Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam

How to Diffuse Teen Meltdowns: Expert Secrets from a Hostage Negotiator

Is your teen's emotional meltdown leaving you feeling overwhelmed and powerless? You're not alone—73% of parents face this challenge. But what if you could learn how to de-escalate these situations and strengthen your bond with your teen?
In this episode, I’m joined by Karleen Savage, a former hostage negotiator and conflict resolution expert. Karleen now helps parents like you master the art of diffusing teen meltdowns and creating calm, cooperative interactions.
She shares proven strategies to navigate your teen's intense emotions with confidence, build trust, and create a positive environment that helps your teen thrive.
 
4 KEY TAKEWAYS FOR PARENTS:
Learn how to de-escalate conflicts by understanding your teen's perspective and avoiding assumptions.
Use open-ended questions and active listening to connect with your teen’s needs and emotions.
Build a stronger relationship with your teen by showing empathy, owning up to mistakes, and fostering trust.
Discover how parents can handle challenging moments with confidence, creating a respectful and supportive relationship.
 
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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
FREE digital download of Karleen’s book, The Confident Teen Blueprint
 
Connect with Karleen:
Facebook: @KarleenSavage
Instagram: @KarleenSavageLinkedIn: Karleen Savage
 
Connect with Dr. Cam:
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive.
 
#TeenParenting #TeenConflictResolution #ParentingTips #TeenEmotions #ParentingTeenagers #DeescalatingTeenAnger #ParentingExpert #FamilyDynamics #TeenMeltdowns #ConflictManagement

How to Relieve Mom Guilt and Find Peace in Motherhood: Essential Tips for Busy Moms

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, we’re joined by Ali Flynn, the founder of Hang In There Mama. Ali shares invaluable insights on how moms can find peace and joy in their motherhood journey while overcoming feelings of guilt. If you're a mom feeling overwhelmed or guilty, this episode is a must-listen!
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How to overcome mom guilt and unrealistic expectations
Why self-care and self-love are crucial for moms raising teens
Practical tips for finding moments of quiet and decompressing as a busy mom
How to let go of excessive worrying and trust your teen’s abilities
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Moms often feel alone and not good enough, but remember, you're not alone—many other moms are navigating the same struggles.
Guilt in motherhood stems from societal expectations of perfection, but it’s time to let go of comparing yourself to others.
Prioritize self-care and self-love to feel fulfilled and be a positive role model for your children.
Simple self-care activities, like deep breathing or taking a walk, can help you decompress and recharge.
Let go of excessive worrying about your teen’s choices and trust in their ability to grow and learn independently.
 
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Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫
🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Hang in There, Mama 6-WEEK GRATITUDE JOURNAL for MOMS RAISING TWEENS, TEENS, and YOUNG ADULTS!
 
EPISODE CHAPTERS:00:00 - Finding Peace and Joy in Motherhood04:34 - Overcoming Mom Guilt and Unrealistic Expectations08:15 - The Importance of Self-Care and Self-Love12:26 - Practical Tips for Prioritizing Self-Care26:29 - Letting Go of Excessive Worrying
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Ali Flynn
Website: Hang in There Mama
Instagram: @hang.in.there.mama
Facebook: @hangintheremama
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam (00:00):Hey parents, ever feel completely drained like there's nothing left in the tank for you or your kids, but the idea of me time triggers guilt? You're not alone. A whopping 80 % of moms wrestle with this, but what if we could ditch the guilt and find peace and joy in motherhood? That's exactly what we're tackling today. I'm joined by Ali Flynn, the mastermind behind Hang In There Mama. Ali understands the unique challenges of raising teens. We're going to get into real actionable tips to help you ditch the guilt and carve out moments to recharge even with your crazy schedule. Because guess what? A happy, healthy you means a happier, healthier family. Allie, welcome to the show.
Ali Flynn (00:41.198):Thank you so much. It's such an honor to be on with you.
Dr. Cam (00:44.017):First I want to hear what inspired you to launch Hang in there, Mama.
Ali Flynn (00:51.15):Honestly, it really came down to I wanted to share with people all of the encouragement and inspiration that I really wanted to hear myself, that I wasn't hearing all the time. I felt really alone at times in my motherhood journey. I felt really lost. I felt not good enough. I didn't sometimes know what I was doing, but I felt like we're in this perfection mode of being a mom and how do I actually offer that honesty up to people. And I just wanted moms to know that you are not the only one, you are not alone in this. We are all sort of struggling along this journey at times. And you know, you don't have to feel lost within it.
Dr. Cam (01:35.665):Yeah, I think it's so important and I love that you're putting out there that support because you're absolutely right. And I think especially when our kids get into the teen years, we feel the most isolated because I think there's this belief that we should have it figured out by now. So we're afraid to ask for help, but raising teens is not raising kids. It's a whole new skill set.And so asking for help, I think realizing other people are struggling with it gives us permission to ask for help. Are you finding that?
Ali Flynn (02:10.286):Exactly, exactly. And I feel like you're spot on with that in the sense of a lot of moms when they enter the teen years with their kids, they completely hibernate, they retreat, they stop sharing, they stop talking. Oftentimes, you know, it's that tween years of entering the middle school time where you're not at the elementary school anymore, you're not at the bus stop, you're not at the birthday parties. So you lose some of the engagement unless you have sort of created a sort of a basis of friends and a network that you can rely on. But then if you don't have that, you sort of feel alone, but you also don't feel comfortable sharing everything and being honest. And then you have sort of part two, which is as our teens grow up you want to give them their privacy, right? When they're little and they're not reaching milestones, you can sort of share that information. But now you have teenagers and what are parents going to maybe share with their teen and then it gets throughout the school. And so it just becomes this vicious cycle at times. So sort of knowing that other people are going through it and really believing that allows you to be more transparent and get the support you need.
Dr. Cam (03:13.649):Absolutely. It’s a fine line because you do want whatever your team tells you and whatever's going with your team to be confidential between you and your team, but how do you get help that way? So how do you find a safe network of people that you can trust with that information that can give you that insight back that's not going to feel like you're betraying your teenager? Like it is, it's this whole complicated thing.What's interesting when you're describing what moms do, particularly, and we're particularly talking about moms, because I think we burden a lot of the guilt, which I'm still confused why we get more guilt, but I think that's just mom, women in general, like to take on guilt. But it's interesting the way you were describing what moms do is exactly how we describe what our teens are doing, where we're like hibernating and we're hiding, and it's that same sense of just protection. So.
Ali Flynn (04:17.74):Exactly.
Dr. Cam (04:18.673):Now we're going and saying, hey, you're not alone. That doesn't relieve our guilt and it doesn't make our lives less crazy so that we can take care of ourselves. So let's talk about first the guilt. Where does this guilt come from?
Ali Flynn (04:34.926):I truly believe it comes from everything that we are being fed through society. We as moms are being fed that we have to be perfect. We have to have everything aligned. We have to know at all moments, every single day, 365 days a year, what we are doing and know with complete trust that we are doing the right thing.And it's just unrealistic. It's an unrealistic expectation on women, on mothers. It's an unrealistic expectation for our children to think that we're perfect. So I think it becomes this trap of we are fed this through what we read, what we see on TV, what we see in movies. So how do you get out of it?Right. And then you go down that path and that rabbit hole of comparing yourself to other moms, comparing yourself to what you see on social media as you're scrolling. And it just, it's such an unhealthy concept that we have to get out of. And I think the only way to get out of it is by really being open and honest with each other as moms and, you know, letting go of some of that protective barrier and saying like, this is what I'm going through or am I the only one? And see sort of what happens and sort of create that village for yourself of moms who are willing to be transparent.
Dr. Cam (06:02.225):I think a lot of parents think that what they're going through is completely unique. And yet I'm sure you hear this too, but in what I do, I hear the same concerns and complaints and worries over and over and over again. And so because they are common struggles that we have at this stage because of the stage and because of just what you said is this view of what that's supposed to look like. And I think, I always talk about we're concerned about the impact of comparison and social media on our kids. And I keep seeing that. I think it has more negative impact on us as parents on our expectations down to our kids. Because I have parents all the time tell me, well, everyone else has a, no, they don't. They do not have it figured out. But then we put down those expectations and expect our kids to be a certain way which then changes how we parent because we don't have the ability to be as compassionate because we're more fearful. Do you see that as well?
Ali Flynn (07:04.558):Right. You know, and I see we're comparing ourselves in so many ways, just like our teens are doing, right? So moms are comparing what we look like to how we're behaving, to what vacations are we going on? How are we incorporating fun into our kids' worlds, right? But we're forgetting that this is just a presence. This is not reality. This is what people put out there isn't truth all the time, right? So why are we sucking down that trap that we don't want our kids to go down, right? So it's sort of like we need to get our self together and recognize this so we can model it for our own kids.
Dr. Cam (07:39.409):I think the other thing that we juggle is this, you know, this good enough mom, which I think there's this falsehood that that just means we kind of just give up in a way. Like we're just going to, this is what it is and we're just going to deal with it versus this, we're not going to be perfect, but we can still grow and learn and be better. How do we separate the growth from the guilt?
Ali Flynn (08:15.822):Well, I always talk to moms about how we are on this journey evolving over and over and over again. We are not the same mom that we were when our child was born, when they were infants, toddlers, teens, or even young adults, right? And older adults. We have to change with them. We have to learn. We have to grow. And if we don't do that, we're going to get caught in this trap. And if you get caught in that trap, you do feel not good enough because you are also not evolving. But the concept of not feeling good enough, it's like such nonsense to me, right? Because we are good enough and we know we're good enough, but we are taking in all these negative messages and believing that we're not good enough. So it's really just stopping that path and believing and supporting ourselves through self-love and self-care to then model for our kids that they also are good enough, right? Not for them to feel that way, not for them to get caught in this vicious cycle. So I think there's so many layers and elements to this. We could probably talk for hours about it.Right? And you see it all the time. And it's just really, it's something that I'm so passionate about because we have to change the narrative.
Dr. Cam (09:27.185):I think it's the difference between being good enough and not, not being good enough and not knowing enough. We are good enough, but there's always more we can know. I mean, you and I do this day in and day out and I'm still reading books every day. I'm still taking classes. I'm ex, I'm interviewing experts like you. I still don't know everything. So there's no way for us, that doesn't mean I'm not good enough, it just means I've got lots more I can learn. There's nothing wrong with that.
Ali Flynn (10:05.982)And I think also, we're always evolving, we're learning, right? We're growing, we're growing along with our kids. But we also have to recognize that we have to expand, right? We have to allow ourselves to recognize that we are good enough, and we are good enough for our family, right? So that's sort of also where my mindset shifted. I did this change and said to myself, rather than thinking I'm not good enough for the whole world, it doesn't matter about the whole world. This is my family of six, and I'm going to do for my family of six what I know they need from me. And I'm not going to worry about the neighbor next door. I'm going to care for my neighbor next door, and I will worry about them. But I'm not going to invest my time in over-analyzing what they are doing in comparison to what I'm doing, because I'm the only one who knows what my particular kids need. Focus on that, right? Do what is right for your family and ignore the chatter of what everyone else is doing.
Dr. Cam (11:06.179)I think a lot of that chatter is chatter we make up too. The fear of what we think they may be thinking, and then we get stuck in that, and that kind of gets us down that trap. And I think the other thing to just consider is when we admit and take accountability that there's more we can learn, that doesn't say that what we have done in the past has been failure. We've done the best we could with everything we know, and that's okay. But we can always know more if we want to change the dynamic. That's all there is to it. That's not saying we failed. It's just saying we still have room to go. So now we're going to slowly but surely—because this is a difficult thing for us to do—let go of guilt because we were born and raised to embrace it. Let's be real. And we are passing that guilt burden onto our kids in many ways as well. But how do we now model taking care of ourselves? Because I think this is the other thing where we tend to sacrifice our own well-being for the well-being of our kids. And Ali, tell us why that does not work long-term.
Ali Flynn (12:26.99)Yet this is something that it took me a long time to realize. And it took me a long time to recognize that I personally was doing this, right? I had this thought that being a good mom and being a good enough mom meant that I was completely 100% selfless. I was selfless. But that selflessness caught up to me, right? So here I was, a younger mom, giving, giving, giving, overly giving, but it turned into sort of self-sabotage. And then, as I'm giving, I'm becoming more hostile. I'm retreating. I'm getting upset about the littlest things. I don't feel enough, but I also don't feel fulfilled. And it's sort of this dynamic where I love being a mother, but I'm not feeling fulfilled at the same time. And why is that happening? It's this dichotomy that I have to think about. And I think I'm a very reflective person. So I could sit back and say, wait a second, this is not what being a mom is about. Being a mom does not mean completely getting lost in just my family and not focusing on myself at all. And being a mom doesn't mean being completely selfless because what am I modeling to my kids?
I have to model to my kids that I have to take care of myself. I have to love myself because if I don't model that for them, who is going to? And I want my kids to love themselves, have self-care, be functioning adult men and women who also love themselves. So I got really lost for a long time, and I felt just trapped at times. And it took a while for me to figure out what to do. And it was slow baby steps for me that I had to incorporate self-care back into my, really, my daily and weekly routine that I let go of for so long.
Dr. Cam (14:28.721)It's hard to shift that mindset. I think that mindset is so ingrained in us. And then how do you balance this need for, yes, we do have a responsibility to take care of our kids and take care of our family, and that is an enormously hefty job. So how do you balance that with still saying, but I still need to take care of myself without going, well, now I'm going to be selfish and put me first, which means now I put them second? Like that's kind of, we kind of feel like it's one or the other. How do we find that middle ground?
Ali Flynn (15:05.358)Right, and this is, yeah, and that's where the mom guilt comes in, and that's where the "I'm not enough" comes in. Because when we are selfless, we feel like, what are we also receiving, and we feel lost. But when we're doing something for ourselves, as moms, we often feel selfish. But self-care and self-love is not selfish. It's not selfish. It's something that we have to do for ourselves. We are human beings, right? We're moms, but we're also still humans who have passions and things that we need to fulfill ourselves and fuel ourselves. So it's really finding that balance, which again, is hard as a mom and especially hard if you are a working mom, especially hard if you don't have a lot of family nearby, if you are divorced, if you are single. The list goes on and on.
It is hard to find that balance, but I try to just share with moms, you know, this isn't about taking a spa weekend retreat. This isn't about spending a lot of money. It is truly about sometimes just finding even three minutes of quiet time. And that's it. Three minutes of quiet time just to settle your brain, maybe hop in the shower, go outside on your front yard, take a few deep breaths. It can be simple. That time just to regroup and pause, life-changing.
Dr. Cam (16:34.801)It's interesting too, because we do get very worried about how much time our kids are spending on their phones and that this is not good for our mental health. Yet I see parents spending a lot of time on their phones and not having enough time to take care of their own mental health. And it's prioritizing, I believe, right? Because there's—and I'm guilty of this. I'm not saying I don't—I spend way too much time on my phone, you know, and doing things like that going, wait, I could be putting this down and going for a walk. I could be doing those things that take care of me rather than spending time doing this. So how do we become more cognizant of how we're prioritizing our time and how we're using it to take care of ourselves? What are some of the things that we know? You got to take a walk and you got to eat well, and we kind of just go, we know that, we just don't have time. We still don't feel like we have time. How do we change our mindset and find that time?
Ali Flynn (17:42.67)Well, I think one of the things you could do is really set up some boundaries for yourself, right? And say, okay, I'm going to recognize I like to scroll a little bit. I need to scroll. It's a mindless activity. I like to not think for a little bit, but I'm not going to do it for two hours. I'm going to give myself a limit, maybe 15-20 minutes, and then I'm going to fill in the blank of what will fulfill you and what is mentally healthier for you. Similar to what we do, a lot of us do with our kids. I know I do this, and it took me a while to figure out, but helping them find that balance.
Hey, I've noticed you've been on your phone for an hour or so. Do you wanna go do something? Even if it's, do you wanna go run an errand with me? Or I'm heading on a walk, right? Do you wanna come with me? Or I'm going to go walk the dog. Do you wanna join me? And you can find simple things. I'm about to make dinner. Would you like to help? Just to get them off, but without it being like a demand, a punishment, you know, really talking about the care of yourself while balancing the phone.
And I remember during the pandemic, I had four teenagers. I had two eighth graders, a 10th grader, and an 11th grader. Those phones were an appendage to their hands, and it would drive me crazy. And I would just talk to them, and then that would happen. And then I would get, you know, feisty about it and I would, you know, just talk over and over again. They would get annoyed with me. And I remember one day with one of my daughters, I was like, let's go to your screen time. Let me show you your screen time as a visual. Her screen time was off the charts. But I think, like, it took her breath away because she didn't realize when those hours pop up, she didn't realize really how many hours she was on until those numbers appeared. So sometimes you just need that visual also to show you the truth of it, because when you're scrolling, time flies by. You're not even recognizing it, right? When you're walking or exercising, you know the time. It was like five minutes.
Dr. Cam (19:44.145)It does. How much more? And Ali, one thing I love about this too is I think when we're transparent about finding time to do things for ourselves that are good for us and saying in front of our kids, my gosh, I'm getting stuck on my phone again. I know I do this with my daughter. I'm like, my gosh, I just spent way too much time on TikTok. I need to go take a walk. And I'm not saying to her, you've spent too much time on TikTok. You need to go take a walk. I'm saying, I've spent it, I'm going to go take a walk, hey, do you want to go with me?" Now it's a whole different thing. It's not about you're doing something bad. It's like, I want to improve myself and my health. I'm just going to share that with you so you're aware of it as well and can start thinking that, like, how much time have I spent?
Ali Flynn (20:37.806)Right, well you're role modeling, and then you're essentially putting that little seed in the back burner for her next time maybe to say to herself, have I been on too long? Maybe I should meet up with a friend or go on a walk or whatever they wanna do. It's planting those little seeds.
Dr. Cam (20:39.889)They're big seeds. I mean, they grow big. They grow into oak trees eventually. So tell us a few tricks that you might have on what are some really effective ways when we just have moments of time that we can use it really effectively to just kind of decompress, maybe release some of that dopamine, just feel a little bit better.
Ali Flynn (20:57.044)I'm sorry. I have three go-tos that have always been my go-tos. One, and I mentioned it before, is breathing. It doesn't mean you have to go into a 20-minute meditation, but simply taking three deep breaths. It could be going into the bathroom and running some cold water on your face or on your wrist to calm down and taking three deep breaths. It could be going out on your backyard or on your front porch and just breathing as you like soak in some vitamin D and sunshine. It could be being in your car and just taking three deep breaths in and out. It will do the trick, right? It calms you in moments of stress, sadness, any type of emotion, or even if you just feel like you're not grounded in that moment, it will ground you.
So that's one thing. I personally meditate every day, or I try to meditate every day if I can, but that's about 20 minutes. But if I don't have that time, it's just three deep breaths. And I actually do it every night. As soon as I put my head on the pillow, even I take three deep breaths before I close. I close my eyes, take the three deep breaths and just exhale everything from the day. And it just allows me to feel like I'm releasing everything from that day to start new for tomorrow.
The second thing that I tend to also do is I walk a lot. And it doesn't even have to be a fast walk. Sometimes I just walk up and down my driveway. I happened to have to take my father to a doctor's appointment recently. I walked in the parking lot and I listened to a podcast. So I try to listen to sort of meditative music or a podcast, something that is going to either soothe me or, again, like what we're talking about before, I'm gonna learn something from it.
The other thing I also do is I journal a lot. So it doesn't have to be pages upon pages. You don't have to have the stress of it, but I just journal, right? I can actually, sometimes I'll use a journal that's blank and just basically word vomit all over the page, whatever I need to say. Other times I use journals that have some prompts. It's sort of dependent on my mood, but I don't stress about it, right? So I used to be an English teacher for middle school. So many of my students hated to read and they hated to write. And the reason why is because they were forced to do book logs, journal entries. And then I think as people move forward, they still have like a negative connotation sometimes, like it's gonna take up so much time or what do they have to do for it? It's an obligation. But if you look at it as it's just healing or word dumping to get off your chest what you need to move forward, it's very soothing.
Dr. Cam (24:13.681):There are so many different things we can do to find that thing. Like, my thing right now is painting the adult paint-by-numbers. Have you done those? Oh my gosh, I was doing coloring, and now I'm doing the paint-by-numbers because I'm doing the whole Taylor Swift poster for my daughter. It's so relaxing, and you’ve got something at the end of it to show too. So just finding that thing that lets you calm your brain. Breathing, to me, works amazingly too. I know people roll their eyes at it, but man, there’s nothing easier and faster to calm down with than just deep breaths. Huh? Ali Flynn (24:48.802):Yup. And you can do it anywhere. You can do it anywhere, right? Yeah. But it’s true. It’s finding what brings you some peace, whether it’s doing some yoga moves, breathing, journaling, walking, running, painting, or coloring. It could be anything. Even watching TV for a few minutes in silence, right? By yourself. So it’s really… and again, it’s not about finding large chunks of time away from your kids. Because I know when you’re a younger mom with younger kids, it’s harder because you’re so inundated with your kids. But as your kids become teens like mine, and even in college, I do have some more time to incorporate. And I will tell you, I am a healthier mom now than I was when my kids were younger. Because I was really in that mindset of I have to be so selfless, or I feel guilty leaving them. Or when they’re watching a little TV show, I should sit on the couch and watch with them. Well, no, I don’t need to do that. I could be in the next room maybe doing some exercise, breathing, journaling, or maybe calling a friend or listening to a podcast. So it’s really finding the healthy version of yourself, and it’s different for everyone.
Dr. Cam (26:04.241):I think what’s so key here, and you mentioned this, is that when we’re taking care of ourselves, and we’ve got those moments where we’re able to be calm, we’re able to be a little bit happier, our kids are going to love that way more than us being there 24/7 in a bad mood. That’s not… they don’t want us there. Teenagers do not want us there. They actually want their own time too. A lot of parents are so focused on all their kids all the time. I’m like, you know what? Your kids don’t want you overshadowing them all the time. They want independence. So now’s a great time to go find yourself something else to do to distract yourself from being on top of your teen all the time.
Ali Flynn (26:46.254):Absolutely. And that’s something I would say my husband and I did as our teens were growing up. When they were having more independent time with their friends or in their rooms, we actually just sort of sat down and said, okay, they’re on FaceTime. They’re going to be on FaceTime for a good hour. Let’s go take a stroll in the neighborhood. They’re going out to dinner with their friends or playing mini-golf, going to a movie, whatever it might be. You know what? Why don’t we have a date night?
So, or, you know, if my husband’s not home, I’ll go on a walk by myself or I will catch up with somebody. Because what am I going to do? For a long time, I did this. Right? When it was my eldest, and she was entering the tween years and becoming more independent, I would just sort of wait. I’d wait for her, and I’d wait on the couch. But then I was getting frustrated because I’m waiting and I’m waiting, and I’m like, well, it’s been so many hours.
But it would have been much better for me to fulfill those hours of her independence doing something for myself independently. That took some time for me to learn. And that’s why I always want to share with moms, right? Like, you don’t have to sit on the couch and wait. It’s not selfish for you to go do something and then come back and regroup and reconnect with your teen.
Dr. Cam (27:53.745): The other thing that we spend a lot of time doing, and again, I speak from my own experience, is we spend an awful lot of our energy and time worrying. A lot of it. And I think there’s this false sense that we’re doing something productive when we’re worrying. We are not.
Ali Flynn (28:21.358): We are not. I am that warrior, middle-of-the-night warrior. And that is not productive on many levels. And it never gets me anywhere. Never. And you know what’s so funny? I wrote a writing piece probably two years ago. And it was really about my connection with my oldest daughter, who’s now 21. And it was really about all of those moments and things I worried about that were really nothing to worry about. Because now, where she is now and where we are, it was really more about our relationship and connection with one another. It was one of those reflections of, if I knew then, I wouldn’t have worried about that. Because now I see where we’re at and where we’ve evolved to. And why did I waste so much time perseverating and ruminating at two, three in the morning, losing my sleep? Right? Because then that just causes a rabbit hole for the next day also. So yeah, we really need to let go of some of the worry.
And I don’t really know how to, and I don’t know how to advise people to. I think it’s… you know, I think, but I also look at myself and say, I’m a worrier. But I also have friends who worry way more than I do. And I have friends who worry a little bit less than me. But it’s interesting. And I’ll always pose the question to my husband as well: Like, well, are you worried about that? He’s like, no.
Dr. Cam (29:51.409): I don’t worry enough sometimes is what I’m worried about because I have given my daughter so much… like, I believe in her so much. I’ve learned to trust her and trust the process. No failure is going to happen, and we’re going to figure it out. But then people will be like, are you not worried about that? I’m like, should I be worried about that? And then I think, well, worrying about it is going to do what? What we’re worrying about, it won’t do anything. Right?
Ali Flynn (30:02.764): Right. And that’s where I’m at with my twins, who are my youngest. Because I have four. Now with my twins, they’re seniors. And I feel like, ew, I’m like, wait, should I be worried about that? I’m not worried. Why am I not? And then they have friends who… a lot of my girlfriends’ eldest are my youngest. And they’re worrying up a storm, but they’ll call me to calm them down. It’s like, I don’t know. Like, I think I would have been worried if this was my first, but with wisdom and experience, I’ve realized that with this particular situation, there’s no reason to worry. It’s going to be okay, it will work out. Yes, things could come about and there are failures or whatever happens, but we learn from it and move on. And even now, I see with my third and fourth, I am not even worried about them in the college process.
With my first one, my throat was closed. I felt like I could barely breathe. And now I’m like, you’re going to be just fine, right? You’re going to have struggles, that’s normal. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to be okay, I’m not worried.
Dr. Cam (31:30.577): We’re going to figure this out. And I think, again, we don’t know if everything’s going to be okay. We can’t, but worrying about it isn’t going to change whether or not it’s going to be okay. That doesn’t change it. So instead of doing that, it’s like, if you’re in a good state of mind, and you’re in a healthy spot and you’re taking care of yourself, then whatever comes, you’re able to cope with it and support it, which is a lot more helpful than being so tense and worried that by the time something happens, you don’t have the capacity or bandwidth to deal with it in a rational, reasonable way. So I think right there, it’s like, I get it. Worry is not rational, but it is something that I want people to really reflect on because we’re fooling ourselves thinking we’re being productive and being effective by doing it.
Ali Flynn (32:25.518): Not at all. And I think with my first one, my worry put more stress on her. And then my second one, there was less stress on her from my decrease of worrying. And now, my third and fourth, they’re not as stressed about… I don’t want to say about anything, but I think my stress levels are so much lower that it just brings a commonality of being a little bit less anxious in the house. Now, I wish I had one for my oldest son.
Dr. Cam (32:55.761): Yeah. What I'm seeing with that too is it's not, I think we also confuse sometimes stress and anxiety with motivation and passion or that push. And what I've seen is when we remove that anxiety and that worry, what shines through is the passion and the motivation, because now they're not burdened with that. So I've seen that with my daughter too, where she turns to me and looks to me, and if I'm believing in her and I'm not anxious, she believes in herself and goes for it, rather than being anxious about what might happen. And I've just seen that over and over again, and it's absolutely incredible. Do I have worries inside? Heck yeah! But that's my worry, not something I put on her.
Ali Flynn (33:48.6): Exactly. Yeah. I try to do the same thing as well. And I see the benefits of it. I mean, it is unreal. When we have that belief and we model that you are capable, you are independent, you have this, right? And we keep some of our quiet inner thoughts of worry inside. And I have four daughters. They go for it. Right? They don't hesitate. And they'll ask me, "Mom, what do you think?" I'm like, "Absolutely, right, but don't be impulsive. Think through it, right? Let's go through all the parameters." But absolutely, you could totally do it. And I think it just shines in so many ways. Whether it's when they're in high school or as they get into college. You know, I even have my daughter, who just recently came home from being abroad for five months. And what I saw in her, that growth—I knew she had it, but my gosh! The growth of being away from even her university, from home, traveling to different countries. Did I worry at times that she's traveling to Morocco or Amsterdam, and all these places? Yep, I did, but I zipped it because I knew she had it under control.
Dr. Cam (35:06.609): Yeah, it is. My daughter just did her first trip to New York. She's 18, did her first trip to New York City by herself from Virginia. And I, you know, I was like, "I'm watching you. I'm just going to let you know, you're going to be on Life360. I'm going to text you every once in a while, but I just want you to know, this is my fear. I believe you can do it." And she did. She was great. She had a great time. She just had one experience that blossomed her. If I had led into my fear and said, "No, you're not going," or "I'm going to go with you," or any of those, I would have deprived her of this amazing experience. So it's hard.
Ali Flynn (35:44.974): Yeah, right. So taking our fears aside as moms and our worries, to let them grow. They need that growth. And if we don't allow that and sort of let them go and experience, it's a disservice to them. We are holding them back. And that was sort of a vow I made to myself as a mom early on: I'm not going to hold my kids back. Right? Even if it's not something I personally would do, if they want to do that, I'm going to listen to them and I'm going to let go and trust that they know.
Dr. Cam (36:23.505): I want to circle back because now I'm thinking people are listening to this and starting to feel guilty if they're not doing this. So, right? So I want to circle back to this. This is not meaning that if you have been afraid or holding back or doing any of these things, or continue to do that, that is a reason to feel guilty. It's a reason to be reflective and just say, is this where I want to continue going? That's it.
Ali Flynn (36:51.798): Be reflective and think to yourself, how can I move forward and evolve with my teen in the stage that they are in? And what do I have to do to allow that to happen?
Dr. Cam (37:04.817): That's big. It does, which takes some time, which is great because that takes away time from us worrying about our kid.
Ali Flynn (37:06.414): Use that time to reflect, maybe when you're doing some deep breathing or you're taking that walk, because you can't have this reflective time as you're rushing to get dinner on the table or you're driving carpool to and from places. Right? You just need a little quiet time and you will figure it out. And if you talk with other moms and you gain some advice as to how to do that, then more beautiful of a situation, right? You've been transparent, you've been honest, you're probably meeting up with another mom who's struggling with it too, and you can move forward together and support each other.
Dr. Cam (37:54.225): I love that. All right, Allie, what is one big thing you want parents to step away with from this interview?
Ali Flynn (38:02.926): I really want moms to just know they are not alone. Right? When you are in sort of the trenches of motherhood, and especially those teen years, which can be really ugly at times and brutal, you are not alone. Everybody else is going through it as well, even if they are not showing it or saying it.
Dr. Cam (38:24.657): 100%. And Ali, how can people find you?
Ali Flynn (38:28.334): You can find me on my website, Hang in There Mama, Instagram, Facebook, lots of places.
Dr. Cam (38:35.141): All the places, and we will put those links in the show notes for sure. Ali, thank you so much for joining us and giving us so much encouragement. I appreciate it.
Ali Flynn (38:44.43): Thank you for having me. It's such an honor.
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.
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How to Help Your Teen Ace the Digital SAT and Unlock Scholarship Opportunities

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, we’re diving into the exciting world of the all-new Digital SAT and how it’s changing the college admissions process.
Dr. Shaan Patel, founder of Prep Expert and a Shark Tank success story, joins us to break down everything parents need to know about the new SAT, scholarships, and how standardized tests can still be an advantage—even at test-optional colleges. With over 20 years of experience in SAT prep and helping over 100,000 students succeed, Dr. Patel offers priceless insights to empower both teens and parents on the road to college success.
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
Why the Digital SAT is a game-changer and how to prepare for it
The importance of standardized tests in 2024 college admissions and scholarships
How taking the SAT or ACT boosts college acceptance rates and scholarship opportunities
Why motivation is key in test preparation and how to keep your teen on track
How to widen your teen’s college options and increase their chances of merit-based financial aid
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
The new Digital SAT offers significant changes that students need to understand in order to succeed.
Test scores matter—taking the SAT or ACT can increase your teen’s chances of receiving merit-based scholarships and getting into top colleges.
Over $7 billion in merit scholarships are available annually, and many require standardized test scores for consideration.
The growing importance of SAT and ACT scores at top universities highlights the need for careful test prep.
Helping your teen identify their motivation is essential for boosting their test prep success and keeping them focused on their goals.
 
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?
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🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Download the Prep Expert Digital SAT "Mini" Playbook
 
EPISODE CHAPTERS:00:00 Introduction to the New Digital SAT and Dr. Shaan Patel03:38 The Importance of Taking the SAT or ACT06:12 The Resurgence of Standardized Testing Requirements09:17 Preparing for the Digital SAT: Tips and Strategies14:08 Understanding the Adaptive Nature of the Digital SAT23:02 The Importance of the PSAT and National Merit Scholarships25:17 The Role of Test-Taking Strategies in SAT and ACT Success29:00 Motivating Students to Study for Standardized Tests32:20 Broadening College Applications for Merit-Based Financial Aid
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Shaan Patel
Website: www.prepexpert.com
Facebook: @PrepExpert
Instagram: @prep_expert
LinkedIn: Prep Expert
Twitter: @Prep_Expert
YouTube: @PrepExpert
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam (00:01.732)Is the new digital SAT stressing you out more than your teen? Feeling lost in the college admissions scramble? Forget the worry and listen up. In this episode, we're going to crack the code on the all-new digital SAT. We're joined by the amazing Dr. Shaan Patel, founder of Prep Expert, the company that's helped over 100,000 students conquer standardized tests and land in top colleges. Dr. Patel is also a Shark Tank success story with over 20 years of experience cracking the SAT code. Dr. Patel will break down the digital SAT, college admissions in 2024, and your teen's scholarship options. Get ready to take notes. I know I’m going to because I have a teen going into college too. So, Dr. Patel, welcome to the show.
Shaan Patel (00:32.614)Hi, Dr. Cam. Thanks for having me. Happy to be here.
Dr. Cam (00:50.244)Absolutely. So, there are so many questions I have, including Shark Tank, which I love, but let’s just start with your backstory. How did you get into college admissions and testing?
Shaan Patel (01:00.806)Yeah, great question. So, I never thought I’d be the owner of a test prep and college admissions company. That was not in the game plan. What happened is I kind of stumbled into it through my own experience. I was a good student in high school but not a great standardized test taker. I had a lot of test anxiety, didn’t know anything about test preparation, college admissions, or scholarships. In the first SAT I ever took, I barely got above average. I spent hundreds of hours studying in the library and raised my score from average to perfect. My score increased by 640 points, which opened up a ton of opportunities for me. I got into some of the nation's best universities, received half a million dollars in scholarships, and won some great awards.
When I got to college, I wanted to help other students improve their test scores the way I had. I had unique strategies and methods to share. So, I put together a book proposal for the first SAT prep book by a perfect score student. Unfortunately, I got 100 rejections. If anyone knows the publishing world, it’s tough. So, I took all that material and started Prep Expert. In the first six-week SAT course I ever taught, my students had an average score improvement of 376 points, which is the equivalent of moving from the 50th percentile to the 90th percentile. That led to more demand for courses, and I began training other instructors. Over the past 13 years, we've helped over 100,000 students improve their SAT and ACT scores and secure over $100 million in scholarships.
Dr. Cam (03:38.372)You’ve piqued my interest as a mom of a junior looking into expensive colleges and who also struggles with standardized testing. So, let me ask you, first of all, how important is it that kids take these tests? Because not all schools require them now.
Shaan Patel (03:39.942)Yeah, there's been a lot of confusion over the past few years about whether students should take the SAT or ACT due to test-optional college admissions policies. There are three major reasons your student should still take the SAT or ACT.
Higher Acceptance RatesEven at test-optional colleges, many studies show that students who submit test scores are often accepted at higher rates. This shouldn't be the case, but the data shows that acceptance rates are often two to three times higher for students with test scores. This is because, with grade inflation, it’s hard to differentiate students based on GPAs alone.
ScholarshipsOver $7 billion in merit-based scholarships are awarded annually, and many of these scholarships consider test scores in the selection process. This includes full and half-tuition scholarships from universities and private companies like Coca-Cola, Toyota, McDonald's, and more.
Universities Requiring ScoresMany top universities have reinstated SAT and ACT score requirements. Schools like Harvard, Yale, MIT, Dartmouth, Brown, Caltech, University of Texas at Austin, Georgetown, all Georgia public universities, and many universities in Florida now require SAT or ACT scores. You don’t want to be caught in your senior year scrambling because your dream university suddenly requires the test.
Dr. Cam (06:12.388)Why is there a resurgence? Why is it coming back?
Shaan Patel (06:16.07)One of the main reasons is grade inflation. Universities are bombarded with applications, and when a school like University of Texas or Harvard gets 50,000 or even 100,000 applications, it’s hard to differentiate students without test scores. Extracurriculars are another factor. As research shows, valuing extracurriculars can disproportionately favor wealthier students who can afford to participate in elite activities like starting nonprofit organizations or playing expensive sports.
Dr. Cam (07:40.388)Right, exactly. And even preparing for it, there’s always an imbalance. I think equity is a big issue, and I like that they’re trying to find more equitable solutions. But it’s still going to be a constant struggle. What are we seeing now?
Shaan Patel (08:03.302)Yeah, many listeners may think test prep is unfair due to its cost. That’s a fair point, but there are so many free or low-cost resources available now, such as Khan Academy and College Board’s free practice tests. I even have a book, Prep Expert Digital SAT Playbook, available for $9.99 on Kindle. You can learn elite test prep strategies at a low cost. While one-on-one tutoring may be more expensive, I’m a great example of someone who raised my score with just books from the library. So, I think that’s more equitable than valuing extracurriculars, which often cost far more than any test prep course.
Dr. Cam (09:17.572)That’s very true. You’ve said "discipline" a few times, and I think that’s worrying parents. Getting their kids to be disciplined enough to study for this is a real struggle, which is why outside accountability helps. Do you have suggestions for those parents? And then I’d like to get into the digital test, but in terms of encouraging kids to be disciplined?
Shaan Patel (09:48.71)Yes, we cover self-control, delayed gratification, and discipline in our courses and books. You’d be surprised that those are actual strategies in a test prep book, but they are crucial. It’s important to turn off distractions—no TikTok, no social media. Focus, study, and practice self-control. Preparing for any exam requires discipline. You have to delay gratification, fail, and improve from it. These are great life skills. What we do in test prep can transition into life prep, helping students develop the habits they need for success in the workplace.
Dr. Cam (11:04.132)Those are huge. So, let’s talk a little bit about the digital SAT. What’s changing now, and what do parents need to know?
Shaan Patel (11:15.078)There’s a monumental change to the SAT in 2024. For the first time in nearly 100 years, the SAT has gone from a paper-based exam to a digital one. A lot of parents and students may think it's no big deal—just the same test on a computer—but that's not true. There are significant content changes, format changes, and new question types. Students need to familiarize themselves with the new digital SAT. You’ve got to take practice exams and learn new strategies. Unfortunately, materials from 2023 and before aren't as relevant anymore.
Parents and students will be pleased to hear that this new digital version of the SAT is the most student-friendly version ever created. The test is now 2 hours and 14 minutes, down from 3.5 hours. Instead of 150-200 questions, it’s now just 98 questions. You can use a digital calculator on all math questions, unlike the previous SAT where there was a no-calculator section. The writing section is now combined with the reading section, meaning fewer sections and less focus on grammar. Plus, the essay is gone, and obscure vocabulary words are no longer included.
On top of that, the reading passages are now shorter—just about 100 words on average, instead of the 500-750 words seen previously. It’s already a welcome change for many parents and students.
However, I do want to be clear: while the digital SAT is student-friendly, it’s not easier. The biggest change is that the new SAT is now adaptive. This means that the questions will get harder or easier depending on how well your student performs on the first module of math, reading, and writing. The final questions will be much harder to test the upper level of your student’s skills.
Dr. Cam (14:01.06)I imagine that goes into the grade then, or the score, because if you're getting more difficult questions rather than easier questions, how does that impact your overall score?
Shaan Patel (14:08.422)Yeah, so it's actually a really good thing if you're seeing more difficult questions because the baseline, even if you get many of those wrong, your score is still going to be higher than a student who saw the easier questions. And so it's curved fairly, from what we've seen, at least on the first couple of administrations with our students. But there is a bit of a harsh curve because as I mentioned, there's only 98 questions, so there's less room for error if you're really looking for those top scores or those 99th percentile scores.
Dr. Cam (14:43.652)How do you recommend kids prepare for this test? What are some of the key things they need to know?
Shaan Patel (14:53.35)The biggest thing is first getting familiar with the new question types, format, and content. So the way you do that is download the Blue Book application. That is the official testing application by the College Board. They have at least six practice tests, at least as of this podcast recording, and they continue to release more. So you'll have a lot of practice material, hundreds of questions just through that. But I always tell parents and students it's not enough just to practice with College Board questions. You also need to learn strategies, techniques, and tips to ace the exam. So for that, I really recommend my company, PrepExpert. We offer SAT courses and books where your student can learn hundreds of strategies that I used myself as a perfect score student, and that we have 99th percentile instructors who teach your students these ways to crack the test—how to read passages and answer math questions in ways you wouldn't learn in a typical high school classroom or with Khan Academy.
Dr. Cam (16:07.876)Now, I know this is part of your program, but would you be willing to share one or two of those little tips that we wouldn’t know about?
Shaan Patel (16:08.71)You know, one of the words that's always incorrect on the grammar section—this is a really easy one to share—that's why I'm going to say it on a podcast because I think people will remember it. But one of the words that's always incorrect on the grammar section of the SAT or ACT is the word being—B-E-I-N-G. So if your student sees that word on a grammar question of the SAT or ACT, you should automatically mark it as an incorrect answer. The reason for that is because being actually creates passive voice constructions rather than active voice constructions. I'm not going to get into the difference between passive voice and active voice right now, but if everyone just wants to remember the word being is always incorrect. So that's for the grammar section. Now for the reading section, there's another word that a lot of people probably know, which is always. Always is always incorrect. And the reason for that is because always is a very extreme word. It's very rare that something can always be true, especially when you're trying to defend a passage-based reading question. So look out for always on the reading questions and being on the writing questions. I wish I could share a math strategy, but those are a little bit difficult without a visual.
Dr. Cam (17:31.396)More complicated. So I want to ask you, Shaan, if your child—and I’m asking for a friend—if your child is not the strongest student but has great work ethic and definitely struggles with exams, can they improve their SAT or ACT scores by learning these skills, and can that help buffer if their GPA isn’t stellar?
Shaan Patel (18:05.958)Yeah, those are probably my favorite students to work with. Absolutely. I mean, that’s what we’ve had with thousands of students over the years. Their GPA is okay, but then we just help them crush the SAT and ACT. Usually, they’re not good standardized test takers, they’re below average usually starting.
Dr. Cam (18:10.5)I’m sending my daughter over right now.
Shaan Patel (18:33.83)But that also means they have the most room for improvement. So we've had students improve a thousand points, 800 points, literally go from 800 to 1500, things like that—really, really amazing score improvements. Now, to your point, it is up to the student to have the work ethic to do the exams, to come to class, to do the homework, etc. But if they put in the work ethic and effort, we typically see—well, I don't want to say typical, but a 700+ point improvement is possible. Typical is about 200 point improvement, but when you start out below average, you do see those larger score improvements. 200 points is more when you're starting in the 1200-1300 range already.
Dr. Cam (19:22.212)Right. And then when they're doing this, I think the other thing I see a lot is—even when kids are good at standardized testing—test anxiety is very prevalent from what I’ve seen. How do you address that? Can you give us some tips on how to reduce it?
Shaan Patel (19:39.494)Yeah, so one of the biggest ways to reduce test anxiety is just the preparation itself, which is why we have students take a full-length exam every single week in our courses, whether it's a six-week course or eight-week course, on the weekends. They really need to get used to the stamina of taking a two and a half hour exam. They need to get used to what questions they're going to see at what point in the test, how long their breaks are. That reduces a lot of test anxiety just with the preparation. But on test day, a couple things—especially if parents and students are listening and have an upcoming test—one is don't have any caffeine. No coffee, no tea, no Red Bulls in the morning. I made that mistake the first time I took the SAT. That's why I only scored around average. My heart was totally racing. It really messes with your circadian rhythm, especially as a high school teenager. You know, adults are kind of used to it, but as a teenager, I would try to avoid those kinds of stimulants to stay calm. Another big thing that really helps our students, and has helped me when I took the SAT and got a perfect score, is to let go of the outcome of the test. You know, everyone kind of focuses on, "What’s my score going to be? What’s my score going to be? It's going to impact my college admissions or scholarships, etc." But a better way to approach it on test day is: let me focus on one question at a time. I don’t need to worry about what my score is going to be. I’m just going to try to answer this one question that’s in front of me on this screen to the best of my ability. If you approach it that way, what we find is a lot of the stress kind of melts away because it’s no longer this big, scary test tied to your college admissions or scholarships. On top of that, most colleges accept score choice, so they’re probably not going to see your score if it’s not good, because you don’t have to submit it. So that takes a lot of the pressure off too.
Dr. Cam (22:00.26)I love that tip for pretty much everything—anything in life. I think this is great for parents too when their kids are stressing out about anything. Take it one step at a time and just focus on that one thing instead of looking at the big task and the overwhelm.
Shaan Patel (22:22.118)Yeah, it definitely applies to all of life.
Dr. Cam (22:24.516)What else do we need to know as parents about the SAT? And you talk about scholarships too. How can we use this information to help with scholarships?
Shaan Patel (22:40.39)Yeah, so a couple of big things. For parents who have younger students who are listening—eighth graders, ninth graders, 10th graders, and rising 11th graders—one of the exams that gets lost in a lot of this is the PSAT, the Preliminary SAT.The reason the PSAT is so important is it’s also known as the NMSQT, which stands for National Merit Scholarship Qualifying Test. What this means is that if your student scores well on the PSAT, they will qualify for the National Merit Scholarship. The big deal about National Merit is there are over 100 colleges and universities across the nation that will give you a half tuition or full tuition scholarship worth $100,000 or more if you're a National Merit Scholar. The reason they do that is they’re trying to recruit National Merit students to their university.I know everyone’s going to ask, "How high does my student need to score on the PSAT to qualify for National Merit?" Well, the answer depends on the state in which you live. The National Merit cutoff scores depend on how well students in your state perform on the PSAT that particular year. In more academically competitive states like Massachusetts, you may need to score around 1460 out of 1520. In less academically competitive states like Montana, you may only need a score of 1300 out of 1520 on the PSAT. But the reason I bring this up is because the PSAT can only be taken one time. It’s not like the SAT or ACT that you can retake. The PSAT is only offered in the fall of your junior year, usually in October. So if your student studies for the digital SAT, it will actually help them with the digital PSAT, because these exams are nearly identical in the digital format. The PSAT just has easier question types.I always encourage parents and students to start prepping for the digital SAT earlier, in ninth to 10th grade, so that by October of 11th grade, they’re ready to crush that PSAT. And literally, they could earn $100,000 scholarships with one two-hour and 14-minute exam, which isn’t even the SAT or ACT, it’s the PSAT.
Dr. Cam (25:20.164)That’s amazing. It gives them some insight into what their strengths are and what they need to work on for the SAT too. I imagine there’s a lot of unknowns when it comes to that. One of the things too—it sounds like it’s not just about intelligence and academics—but it also sounds like a big piece of it… and I’m not sure if you know this… is knowing how to...
 
Shaan Patel (25:33.222):Yeah, it's a great way to get a baseline.
Dr. Cam (25:49.444):How much of the test is about academic knowledge and how much is about preparation—learning to take the test?
Shaan Patel (26:04.102):It's probably 80% about how to take the test and 20% about the knowledge. Most students do well in their high school math and English classes—they're A or B students. But when it comes to standardized tests, they usually score around average, just below, or just above it. There are very few naturally good standardized test takers. The way the information is presented, the wording of the math questions, and how the passages are structured are different from what students encounter in their typical high school classrooms. I don't fault math or English teachers for not teaching to the test, but it is the student's responsibility—and the family's responsibility—to understand that this first assessment is significant. If your student plans to go to grad school, they’ll face exams like the MCAT, LSAT, GRE, or GMAT. It's in your best interest to learn how to do well on these exams early so you're prepared for future ones.
Dr. Cam (27:28.708):That's great. Now, for parents who are listening and want their child to do this but the teen isn't sold on it—maybe they're burnt out or unsure about their future—do you have advice on how parents can help trigger that motivation? Because we know it has to be intrinsic. We can't just push them, right?
Shaan Patel (28:02.502):That’s a great question. I actually have a strategy in our PrepExpert courses and books called Harness Self-Motivation. Your parents are an external motivator, which is helpful, but internal motivation is far more effective. So how do you develop that internal motivation? I tell parents and students to identify their "why." Why do you want a high SAT or ACT score? No one wants a high score just for the sake of having one. You might want to get into a specific college, earn scholarships, or qualify for college athletics. My "why" in high school was to get into competitive medical programs, which required high SAT scores. That gave me the motivation to study hundreds of hours when I didn’t want to. So, I’d encourage parents to help their child identify their own "why"—whether it's a college, a scholarship, or something else. There are a million reasons to work hard on these tests, and the key is helping them find the one that resonates.
Dr. Cam (30:10.372):What’s really key here is that it's the teen’s "why," not the parents'. We get caught up in our own motivations because they’re clear to us, but when we try to impose them on our teens, we miss tapping into what motivates them. With my teenager, for example, she found a school she absolutely loves. For a child who loves school but isn't traditionally studious, that became a huge motivator. She envisions herself there and is now asking, "What do I need to get in?" It’s amazing how much that sparked her drive.
Shaan Patel (31:18.342):Yes, visualization is important. I actually have students write down not just the SAT or ACT score they want, but also the college they aim to get into and how many scholarships they hope to earn. It helps them feel a sense of accomplishment even before it happens. Often, they achieve those goals.
Dr. Cam (31:45.732):That’s incredible. What else should parents know that we haven't covered yet?
Shaan Patel (31:51.846):I don’t want parents of 11th and 12th graders—especially those who missed the PSAT—to feel discouraged about scholarships. There are billions of dollars in scholarships still available. One mistake I see high-achieving students and parents make is only applying to Ivy League schools. While those are prestigious, they don’t offer merit-based financial aid. If you don’t qualify for need-based aid, you’ll be expected to pay the full tuition, which now runs $70,000–$80,000 a year. However, if you look just below the Ivy League schools, many top 20 and top 50 universities offer merit-based financial aid, including half and full tuition scholarships. Often, you don’t even have to apply separately. If you have a great student with solid grades, test scores, and extracurriculars, they’ll offer scholarships to encourage you to attend. So, I’d advise parents to broaden their college applications and target schools that are offering significant scholarships. This can make a huge difference in avoiding student debt.
Dr. Cam (33:53.028):That’s excellent advice. Student debt is crippling recent graduates, and avoiding that is crucial.
Shaan Patel (33:57.638):Yes, student debt is nearing $2 trillion, and the average cost of college is around $200,000. When we help students with their test scores, it's not just about college admissions—it’s about reducing the cost of college. My favorite part is when parents email us saying, "We just got a full tuition scholarship worth $250,000!" or "We received a $100,000 scholarship." That’s why I’m on a $1 billion scholarship mission. Over the last 10 years, PrepExpert students have earned $100 million in scholarships. But over the next decade, I want to help students earn $1 billion, so they don’t have to go into massive debt. I used to think just getting into the best university was the goal, but now I believe it's better to attend a more cost-effective university. College is still valuable, but you don’t want to get buried in debt because of it.
Dr. Cam (35:37.38):I love that. That’s really important advice. How can people find you and work with you?
Shaan Patel (35:42.47):If you have a child in 8th through 12th grade, you can find our SAT and ACT courses online. They’re available to students across the United States. We also offer one-on-one tutoring and college admissions consulting. You can find all of that at PrepExpert.com (spelled P-R-E-P-E-X-P-E-R-T.com). We have books, courses, consulting services—everything you need. I teach some courses myself, and I’m excited to help many of the families listening today. Hopefully, some of your students will enroll in our digital SAT or ACT courses, and we hope to help you win scholarships!
Dr. Cam (36:45.828):I love it. You’ll definitely be hearing from me. Thank you so much for being on the show, Dr. Patel.
Shaan Patel (36:53.446):Thanks, Dr. Cam. This was a great conversation.
 
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam
#SATPrep #TeenMotivation

How to Parent Your Highly Sensitive Teen: Expert Tips from Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, Dr. Cam Caswell is joined by Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, a seasoned pediatric psychologist and parent coach specializing in supporting parents of highly sensitive teens. Dr. Lockhart, also a mother of teens herself, brings invaluable insights into the unique challenges faced by sensitive teens—such as emotional regulation, peer relationships, academic pressures, and self-esteem. 
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How to identify and understand your highly sensitive teen’s unique emotional needs
The power of co-regulation: lending your calm to help your teen stay grounded
Why building a safe space for emotional expression is key to a strong parent-teen connection
Practical strategies to handle meltdowns, test anxiety, and emotional overwhelm in sensitive teens
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Highly sensitive teens are deeply in tune with their surroundings, requiring a heightened level of understanding from parents.
Co-regulation is crucial—parents must model calm and self-awareness to help their teens cope with emotions.
Creating a safe emotional space for teens allows them to express themselves without fear of judgment.
Changing your mindset: See your teen’s sensitivity as a strength, not a weakness.
Validate and empathize with your teen’s feelings, joining them in their struggles rather than dismissing them.
 
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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Dr. Lockhart’s Parenting Your Highly Sensitive Child course – 50% Off Coupon Code: SENSITIVE-CAM (Expires: 6/30/24)
 
EPISODE CHAPTERS
00:00 - Introduction to Highly Sensitive Teens06:01 - Understanding Highly Sensitive Teens09:23 - Co-Regulation: Lending Calm to Highly Sensitive Teens13:55 - Building Resilience in Highly Sensitive Teens20:08 - Regulating Emotions and Problem Solving24:01 - The Role of Parents in Improving the Relationship with Highly Sensitive Teens29:13 - Understanding the Challenges and Diagnoses of Highly Sensitive Teens
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart
Website: www.drannlouiselockhart.com
Instagram: @drannlouiselockhart
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.
#theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #highlysensitive #parentingstrategies

How to Build Resilient, Mentally Strong Teens—Lessons from a Navy SEAL

Raising teens who can handle setbacks, stay confident, and push through challenges isn’t easy.
In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with Chad Metcalf, former Navy SEAL, entrepreneur, and author, to share powerful, real-world strategies for helping teens develop grit, confidence, and resilience. Chad knows what it takes to stay mentally tough—and he’s here to help parents pass those lessons on to their kids. From handling failure the right way to fostering a strong growth mindset, this episode is packed with practical, no-fluff advice that will empower you to raise a teen who can take on life’s toughest challenges.
 
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
The #1 mistake parents make when trying to build their teen’s confidence
How to help your teen turn failure into fuel for success
Why letting kids struggle (the right way) is key to mental toughness
How to model resilience—even when you feel like giving up
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Resilience starts with failure. Let your teen struggle, but provide guardrails to help them learn from it.
Competence builds confidence. Encourage skill-building activities that help teens discover their strengths.
Your reaction to failure matters. Recognize and celebrate effort and persistence, not just results.
Model mental toughness. Show your teen how to push through challenges with resilience and determination.
Teach smart goal-setting. The urgent-important matrix can help teens manage priorities and stress.
 
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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
5x Your Productivity
 
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
00:00 Introduction: Building Resilience in Teens02:55 The Importance of Allowing Kids to Fail and Learn06:03 Modeling Resilience: The Role of Parents10:00 Discovering Strengths Through Skill-Based Pursuits14:24 Supportive Responses to Failure: Building Resilience23:42 The Failure Hack: Embracing Failure as a Learning Opportunity28:13 Acton Academy: Encouraging Self-Discovery and Mastery-Based Learning36:31 The Urgent-Important Matrix: Prioritizing Tasks and Goals
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Chad Metcalf
Instagram: @chad__metcalf
Facebook: @chadmetcalf251
LinkedIn: @chadmetcalf251
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam (00:01.662)Hello, parents. You've likely heard that building resilience in your teen is crucial. It's not just about protecting them from mental health challenges but also setting them up for success and happiness. In this episode, we have a special guest joining us, Chad Metcalf. Chad is not only an entrepreneur and author but also a former Navy SEAL who understands the essence of mental toughness. He's going to give us parents some practical strategies to nurture our teens' resilience, confidence, and other skills essential for navigating life's challenges.Chad, welcome to the show. Before we dive in, can you share your backstory? How did you start focusing on mental toughness and resilience?
Chad Metcalf (00:33.757)Thanks for having me. For me, one of the reasons I got out of the Navy was my three young boys. I wanted to be around to see them grow up. I had done 12 and a half years, so I was at that point where I had to decide—do I do another 10 or 15 years, or do I get out and do something else? It was a hard decision. I'd spent my entire adult life in the Navy, and as crazy as it sounds, that felt like the safe thing to do. The thing we know is what feels safe to us.
Dr. Cam (01:12.542)Exactly.
Chad Metcalf (01:12.947)I wanted to see my kids grow up. I wanted to coach baseball and flag football and do all the dad stuff. I was going to play college golf, but 9/11 happened, and I joined the Navy instead. After getting out, I had this idea that I could make the PGA Tour and somehow convinced my wife it was a good idea. I went for it, but after three years, I realized it wasn’t working out. I was really good in the last six months, but after running out of money for the third time, I knew I had to do something else.
During that time, I coached my kids in judo, jiu-jitsu, baseball, and football. I've coached all my kids in at least one sport. Right now, I’m coaching my 10-year-old’s Little League baseball team. I've been around people with extreme resilience, mental toughness, discipline, and focus my entire life. To me, that’s just normal. But I realized that not all kids and parents get it.
For example, a 10-year-old kid comes to practice and says, "Coach, I want to pitch." I give him a shot in the game, and he expects to be perfect his first time. But that’s not how it works. He gets nervous, and his parents don’t understand why. I tell them, "He’s nervous because he cares." When I started SEAL training, I was nervous. When I played golf, I was on the first tee, palms sweating, hands shaking. I thought, "This is ridiculous—I’ve been in combat, but I’m nervous at a golf tournament?"
Dr. Cam (03:18.906)Right. Hitting that ball is probably harder than some of the things you did as a SEAL—at least when I play.
Chad Metcalf (03:29.761)Anytime you step into a new environment, you’ll be nervous. Excitement, anxiety, and fear are all about perception. When a kid is on the mound, I tell him, "Of course, you’re nervous. Everyone is watching you. Why wouldn’t you be?" Then I say, "Just throw one 10 feet over the catcher." He’s surprised, but I tell him, "Who cares? Just throw it as hard as you can and see what happens." Then I ask, "If you walk the batter, what happens to your life tomorrow?" He realizes it’ll be exactly the same. "So just have fun and work on getting better."
Parents often try to help their kids too much, especially in sports. A kid steps up to pitch, and their parents start coaching mechanics—release points, positioning—right there in the game. But game day isn’t for fixing things; it’s for doing what you already know. One of my golf coaches told me, "Competence breeds confidence, and confidence sets the stage for performance." You get confident by putting in the work and building your skills. Once you’ve done something a thousand times, you know you can do it. But then, you have to put yourself under pressure and practice with real stakes—whether it’s running a lap, doing push-ups, or some other consequence for failure. That’s how you learn to thrive under pressure.
With my book, I teach five steps to build mental toughness. It works for anything. I used it for grad school, launching my book, and even monetizing my YouTube channel—which less than 1% of YouTubers do. But it wasn’t instant success. I made 100 videos in 100 days, and they all sucked. That’s part of the process. You put in the work, fail, assess why you’re failing, and then refine your approach.
Dr. Cam (06:49.278)Let’s talk about how parents can do that. Most parents want to build resilience in their kids, but the approach often backfires. Some try to protect their kids from pain and step in too much. Others take the opposite approach and pile on difficulties, thinking it will toughen them up. Neither of those extremes work. Can you explain why? How do we find the middle ground where we build resilience while also supporting our kids?
Chad Metcalf (08:07.201)Great question. I was actually talking about this the other day with a friend who runs Acton Academy Dripping Springs, where my youngest goes to school. The magic of that school is that it’s learner-driven. It’s about using systems to help kids find their own intrinsic motivation.
I tell people this story: After high school, I tried to join the Navy but was disqualified because of a titanium plate in my arm. I was crushed. I tried college but couldn’t even get up for an 8 AM math class—my best subject! A year later, I made it through SEAL training. People ask, "How does someone who couldn’t wake up for a class become a Navy SEAL?" The answer: I wanted it.
You have to struggle a little to figure out who you are and what you want. At a recent Acton Academy parent meeting, they showed a video of a baby learning to crawl. He was struggling to reach a toy, and everyone’s instinct was to help. But if you give the baby the toy, he doesn’t learn to crawl. He has to struggle, and after 45 minutes, he got it. That’s how kids learn.
It’s often the kids who fail early and fast that go the furthest—if they learn from it. Kids who are naturally gifted but never struggle don’t develop resilience. I saw this in SEAL training. Some Olympic-level athletes quit in the second week. They were physically gifted, but they had never learned to fail and keep going.
I don’t think we have to add negativity. I try not to. I have three kids—18, 15, and 10—and I’m a different parent now than I was with my oldest. You learn. You adjust. We try to give them freedom within guardrails—enough to let them fail in a way that’s safe but still teaches them valuable lessons.
For example, one of my teenagers recently fell for a scam—someone promised him $200 to deposit a check. I had talked to him about this before, but he still did it. Now, he’s mowing yards to cover the loss. It’s not the end of the world, but if he learns the lesson, it’s worth it. That’s why I read, seek advice, and learn from others. I got tired of learning the hard way. As parents, we have to let our kids struggle enough to grow, but not so much that it destroys them.
Dr. Cam (13:27.326)I think the big difference too is when that happens. First of all, we're so scared of having them. I think I use the term "guardrails" too, so I love that you use that. I think we set those so narrow because we're so worried and have this fear that the bumps and bruises are going to have a much bigger impact than they actually do. The narrow guardrails are actually what cause them to not be resilient because they don't trust themselves or believe we trust them.
I think the other thing is when we give them that breadth to make a mistake, and they do make a mistake, a big piece of this is how we respond to that mistake and failure. Do we say, "I told you so. You should have worn your shoes. Look at that." Or how do we respond to those failures so that kids don't develop a sense of shame and fear of failure, but instead learn to embrace failure and grow from it?
Chad Metcalf (14:29.313)Yeah, I'd say it depends on the circumstance, right? I try not to do the "I told you so," although sometimes I do, and then my wife's like, "Stop doing that." But if it's something like, "Hey, I told you to put on your shoes, and now you're complaining to me that your foot is scraped up," I'm like, "Dude, I literally told you that." So that's more of a decision, like I gave you the solution.
Dr. Cam (14:38.846)It's very tempting. It's so tempting.
Chad Metcalf (14:56.577)You didn't listen, and now you're suffering the consequences, right? I think that's a life lesson. But when they're going after something—whether it's learning an instrument, a sport, coding, or any skill-based pursuit—that's where I'm encouraging failure. Go push yourself and figure it out. That's where you learn and start figuring out your strengths.
I firmly believe we can't just be whatever we want to be—we can be a lot more of who we are. The sooner we figure out who we are and what our strengths are, and we go and build those strengths, the better we’ll be able to attack life. And the more fulfillment we'll have. I figured that out at 35, and I was like, "That makes a lot of sense." In business, for example, there are certain things that aren't my thing. But my wife is really good at those parts. So when kids explore, they start figuring out what they're good at, which is what’s really missing in traditional education.
In school, it's, "Sit there, listen, and regurgitate what you're told." Then people say, "Well, they told me I wasn't a good writer, so that must not be my thing." But were you interested in it at that time? That makes a big impact. So, figure out what your kid is interested in and let them go do it, fail, and grow. Another misconception I hear is, "We’re going to try this out and see if they're good at it." Well, you're not going to be good at anything when you start. You have to put in the work and develop competency before you can figure out if it's your thing.
People talk about hitting flow. "How do I hit flow? I'll do breathing exercises." That can help if you're already good at something. But if you're starting out, that's not going to help. You hit flow when you have a high skill level and the challenge level is high. If you're hitting anxiety, it means the challenge level is higher than your skill level, so you need to build your skills. As parents, if we understand this, we can give our kids actionable steps. But first, we need to let them get out there and fail so they’re actually ready to listen to a coach and be coachable.
Dr. Cam (18:06.206)I agree completely. Sometimes having somebody else… And I'm thinking here, Chad, about that step where we get to anxiety mode. We're not comfortable with being uncomfortable. How do we as parents help our kids through that stage where they’re so terrified of failure that they don’t even get close to that point? How do we help them push through without making it about us and while fostering intrinsic motivation? Because us pushing isn’t intrinsic—it’s external.
Chad Metcalf (18:47.841)Yeah, I think it all comes back to that old saying, "Do as I say, not as I do." When our kids are little, we're in the protect phase—"Don't run in the street. Don't do these things." But slowly, we have to move from that to modeling behavior. If we're not pushing out of our comfort zones, taking risks, and overcoming failure, then how do we expect them to?
I tell my kids, "I'm terrified of heights, but I didn't let that stop me from jumping out of airplanes." Every time I did it, I hated it. But I didn’t hesitate—I just jumped. My first thought was, "Parachute, don't die, don't die… Okay, parachute, please open… Alright, it's open… Now don’t break your legs… Okay, I'm on the ground. I survived another one."
Dr. Cam (19:45.118)Right. Survived another one. Yay.
Chad Metcalf (19:54.273)The fear never really goes away. The more you face it, the better you get at handling it. People think fear disappears—it doesn't. You just get better at facing it. At Acton Academy, everyone is on their own hero's journey. If you're a parent, instead of telling your kid, "Where are you on your journey? Are you building your core skills?" it's more powerful to say, "What are you working on in core skills today?"
Dr. Cam (20:46.622)I think that's so important—being transparent about when we fail or make mistakes, and even sharing that feeling of embarrassment or nervousness. As parents, we sometimes want to appear like we have it all figured out, but that’s a disservice to our kids. They need to see that every day we’re pushing through, and that’s the expectation. Recognizing when our kids push through—whether they succeed or not—is what really matters. It's the pushing through that should be celebrated. Like, "You did it anyway. Wow." Right? Do you agree?
Chad Metcalf (21:32.097)Yeah, for sure. That’s what I tell the kids when I coach. If you make a mistake in a game or practice, I’m not going to be mad or yell at you. I don’t yell at kids at all. It’s rec baseball—my goal is for everyone to want to play baseball again. That’s the goal.
In my book, Young Athletes' Ultimate Guide to Mental Toughness, I wrote it in a way that kids I coach could understand. But a buddy of mine read it and said, "Dude, I'm using this with my entire sales team at work." And I was like, "I know, because sports are a metaphor for life." Most of our kids won’t be college or professional athletes. No one’s going to remember who won 10U Little League. But they’ll remember the life lessons. They’ll remember how their coaches treated them.
Dr. Cam (22:15.614)It's amazing.
Chad Metcalf (22:34.657)I remember coaches who made an impact on my life. I learned about work ethic, putting in effort, and failing—but learning from it. It’s fine to fail, but let’s learn why and try not to fail the same way twice. If you keep making the same mistake over and over again, that’s the definition of insanity—expecting a different outcome.
Dr. Cam (22:58.494)Expecting a different outcome, right? Yeah.
Chad Metcalf (23:03.841)If you're not trying, I’ll call that out. "Hey, you're not putting forth your effort. You're not paying attention. Let's focus." But if they’re showing up, putting in the work, and improving—that’s all you can really ask for. 
Dr. Cam (23:19.582): That takes time. If our kids are resistant to that, we can't just tell them to do it. We’ve got to keep building them up because I think if we just keep telling our kids to be more resilient, just push through without helping them learn how to do that, I think that's the tricky part. How do we learn? I wanted to hear a little bit more about what you mean by the fail hack.
Chad Metcalf (23:42.721): So, the failure hack, and I think it’s like a quote in business school, right? It’s like, as an entrepreneur, you want to fail as fast and cheaply as possible. One of the things they made us do a couple of times was go out and sell stuff door-to-door. It was terrible. I don’t like doing it. The first thing they did was give us this cold brew coffee machine and no sales training. They said, “Alright, y’all go out and try to sell it.” So, of course, I show up, and I’m like, “Okay, I’ve got this cold brew,” but you can’t say, “It’s for business school,” blah, blah. You have to pretend this is your job, right? No cheating. I go out there and I research this coffee maker. I’m like, okay, it does cold brew, and you know, you put it in there overnight and now you have cold brew coffee, and it’s BPA-free, blah, blah, blah, right? Features and benefits. I get up, open the door, and I say, “Hi, sir, ma’am. I’ve got this cold brew coffee maker. It’s BPA-free,” and blah, blah, blah. And they’re like, “No thanks.” 200 doors slammed in my face, right? I’m like, wow, that was awful. So, like, two weeks before we graduate, they say, “Hey, we’re doing another sales challenge. You’re selling children’s dictionaries for $50. By the way, you can buy it on Amazon used for $6. You can’t say it’s for business school, and you have to sell at least one or you’re kicked out of school.”
Dr. Cam (25:10.11): Dang.
Chad Metcalf (25:10.945): But they said, “We’re going to give you sales training.” I was like, okay. So, the first thing they told us was, “A quick no is as good as a quick yes. You want a fast answer. You don’t want to sit there for 20 minutes and then hear, ‘I’m not interested.’” So, first, you need a pattern interrupt, right? What’s going to get them so you can have your setup to figure out if they’re even a potential customer? I thought about this, but because I’d failed so many times, I already knew what they were going to say. “It’s not a good time. I’m busy. I’m not interested.” I thought, well, that’s what they all say. So, I knocked on the door and said, “Hi, sir, ma’am. I know it’s probably not a good time. You’re busy, but if you give me 30 seconds and you’re not interested, I’ll just go away.” No one slammed the door in my face. Anyway, I sold it on the 11th door. I found their pain point. They had kids. I got the book in the kid’s hand, and they loved the book. It’s more about connection. But if I hadn’t failed those 200 times, I wouldn’t have been able to see what needed to be done. So, whatever it is, whenever you go out and fail, you become ready to learn the lessons. There’s this triangle of knowledge. There are things we know we know, things we know we don’t know, and things we don’t know we don’t know. We have to fail and get feedback from others to actually get those things. Now, we have new information, and we go start training that. Then guess what? We fail again. You restart the system again. Why did I do that? Is there something obvious to me? To a friend? A mentor? Can I read about it? Get this knowledge online? Then with the new information, we go back and deliberately practice it again. Whatever the skill is—I literally use this to pass the swims in BUD/S, finish top of my class in business school, launch an Amazon bestseller, crack YouTube, teach golf, and teach kids in sports. It works for anything. But you have to have a clear goal for it to work.
Dr. Cam (27:28.51): The other thing that kind of stuck out about what you just said too is most teens don’t know what they don’t know. I think that’s why they always think they know everything. It’s not because they really think they know everything. They just don’t know what they don’t know yet. And they’re not going to learn if we just keep telling them what they don’t know. They’ll just shut that out. But what you said is, when they learn on their own what they don’t know, they’ll be open to learning how to fill that void, right? How to learn that. And I think that might be a big, aha moment for me right now. When we get kids to have that opportunity to figure out for themselves what they don’t know, then they’re going to be open to learning it.
Chad Metcalf (28:13.089): Yeah. That’s kind of the act in the Academy model. There are no teachers, only guides, and the guides are forbidden from making declarative statements. They can only answer questions with more questions. The kids have to figure it out themselves, and there are no grades. It’s mastery-based—so you move on to the next level of math when you reach 100% mastery of that subject, not when you get 70% and pass. Once you master the subject, you move on. They can ask a friend, use a resource, or first use their brain. After that, they can ask a guide, who will ask a Socratic question to guide them in the right direction. They're forced to struggle to figure things out.
It’s in that struggle that we really start learning. Some of the kids coming out of this after 20 years are incredible. These kids are not just two to three times more effective than kids from traditional education—they’re 100 times more effective. These kids are coming out at 16 years old, after going through this program, more capable than I was after business school.
Dr. Cam (29:48.926): Because you didn’t know what you didn’t know, right? You thought you knew everything, but when you hit 30, you realized how much you didn’t know.
Chad Metcalf (29:58.529): Exactly.
Dr. Cam (30:31.777): The cool thing is we can create that environment at home. The school model is amazing, but not everyone can do that. As parents, we’re around our kids for years. We can create the same environment where we let them learn by doing and guide them with questions, not by stepping in and doing it for them. That helps them build self-belief because they feel that we believe in their ability to figure things out.
Chad Metcalf (30:48.001): Yeah. It all comes down to asking good questions. If you ask your kid, “How was school today?” and they say, “Fine,” you ask, “What did you do?” and they say, “Nothing,” that’s not a good question. But if you ask, “What was the weirdest thing that happened today?” or “Who annoyed you the most and why?” you start digging deeper.
Also, with hobbies, like when I talked to my youngest about YouTube. I asked, “How many hours a day do you spend on YouTube?” He said, “I don’t know.” I kept asking, “More or less than one? More or less than two?” Finally, he said, “Two and a half hours.” Then I asked, “What skills do you want to have by 15 that you don’t have now?” He said, “I want to be able to do this and that.” I asked, “If you spent that time on those skills, where would you be?” It became his idea.
Dr. Cam (31:44.158): Exactly. That’s so much more impactful than just saying, “Don’t waste your time on the computer, do something productive.” Now, they understand it’s about their goals and it’s their idea.
Chad Metcalf (32:02.529): Yeah, it’s like video games, right? I have a love-hate relationship with them. They can be a giant waste of time, but kids are actually learning how to learn by playing Fortnite. If you’ve never played, you’re going to be terrible at first, just like anything else. So, they practice with friends, watch YouTube videos, and keep repeating to get better.
I was coaching a football team and asked, “How many of you play Fortnite?” Everyone said yes. I asked, “How many of you watch videos to get better?” They all said yes. I asked, “How many of you practice with your friends in private mode?” They said yes. Then I asked, “Have you thought about doing the same thing with football?” They said, “Okay.” After that, we won every game.
Dr. Cam (33:22.11): That’s powerful. When we embrace what they’re already doing and enjoying, like Fortnite, and use that as a model, instead of saying, “Stop playing Fortnite, do something else,” we’re showing them they already know how to learn and improve. They just need to apply it to other areas. They’ll think, “You get me.”
Chad Metcalf (34:16.769): Exactly. And that’s what we need to model for our kids—change our perspective on failure. I sent over a resource for parents and teens to use. Parents should try it first, and their kids will be curious about it instead of feeling forced.
Dr. Cam (34:45.566): Yeah, it doesn’t work well when we force things. It usually pushes them away.
Chad Metcalf (34:48.001): Right. The resource is the Urgent-Important Matrix, developed by Dwight D. Eisenhower. He had limited time and a lot to get done, so he created a system to prioritize. It has four quadrants: urgent and important, not urgent but important, urgent but not important, and not urgent and not important. For a teenager, going to a football game may feel urgent but isn’t necessarily important. But if you’re on the football team, it’s both urgent and important.
This matrix helps you evaluate how you're spending your week. Are your actions moving you toward your goals? If you're spending too much time on things that are urgent but not important, or not urgent and not important, it’s time to re-evaluate. If you spend five minutes on this each week, it can change your entire year.
Dr. Cam (36:31.166): I love that. And I think it can help parents understand why things that feel unimportant to them may be urgent and important to their kids. It’s not about agreeing on everything, but understanding their perspective.
Chad Metcalf (36:58.625): I’ve done this with my 18-year-old. I asked him to show me his urgent-important matrix. He realized he spent all his time on things that were urgent but not important or not urgent and not important. No surprise that he wasn’t moving toward his goals.
Dr. Cam (37:36.318): There’s a balance, right? Some things in the “urgent but not important” quadrant, like chilling, are good too, but we want to make sure we focus on the urgent and important things. This tool really helps bring clarity to how we spend our time.
Chad Metcalf (38:03.681): If you grab the Urgent-Important Matrix, you’ll get on my newsletter. I’ll share my story—from being broke and depressed to going to business school and turning my life around. I’ll show you how to use the matrix and also talk about the three monsters that will get in your way: distraction, resistance, and victimhood. There’s a mini-course on that, which is part of a larger course called “The Next Great Adventure.” I’ve had teens and even Google and YouTube executives go through it. The first quest is “Who am I?”—and they’re fired up after that.
You can find out more by visiting my site and signing up. I try to respond to emails, but it’s getting harder as I get more, so we’re building a community to help people find their calling and change the world—because it’s not just kids who need that, we all do.
Dr. Cam (39:31.742): Absolutely. Chad, thank you so much for being here today.
Chad Metcalf (39:36.865): Thanks for having me.
 
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for tackling the real-life struggles of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast delivers practical strategies, expert insights, and real-world advice to help you strengthen your relationship with your teen and support their emotional well-being. If you're navigating teen attitudes, anxiety, or confidence struggles, this show gives you the tools to parent with more ease and impact.
#ParentingTeens #RaisingResilientKids

How Neurofeedback Helps Teens Regulate Emotions Effectively

Are you feeling helpless as your teen struggles with anxiety, mood swings, and impulsivity? If you’re looking for solutions but don’t know where to start, this episode is for you. Today, we’re joined by Dianne Kosto, founder of SYMMETRY Neuro-Pathway Training and author of From Trauma to Triumph: One Mom’s Mission with Neurofeedback. Dianne will unpack how brain-based strategies like neurofeedback can help teens tackle mental health challenges linked to nervous system dysregulation, including anxiety and impulsivity.
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Neurofeedback as a tool for managing anxiety and impulsivity: Learn how neurofeedback helps teach the brain to produce healthier patterns.
The impact of brainwave dysregulation on teen behavior: Understand how imbalances in brainwave activity lead to mood swings, anxiety, and impulsivity.
Neurofeedback as a non-invasive and accessible solution: Discover how teens can benefit from this technique, even remotely.
Brain-based strategies for holistic mental wellness: Understand the power of holistic methods like neurofeedback to promote long-term mental health.
How to foster self-regulation and resilience in your teen: Learn how you can support your teen’s growth and confidence through neurofeedback.
 
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫
🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
10% discount on neurofeedback services when you mention Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
 
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
00:00 – Intro and Overview
03:15 – Dianne’s Story and the Origins of SYMMETRY Neuro-Pathway Training
10:45 – The Science of Neurofeedback for Anxiety and Impulsivity
18:30 – How Neurofeedback Can Be Done Remotely
24:00 – The Future of Neurofeedback and Mental Health
32:00 – Final Thoughts and Resources
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dianne Kosto
Website: SYMMETRY Neuro-Pathway Training
Instagram: @symmetry_neuro
Facebook: @SYMMETRYNeuroPathwayTraining
LinkedIn: Dianne Kosto
YouTube: SYMMETRY Neuro-Pathway Training Channel
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.#theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #NeurofeedbackForTeens #MentalHealthStrategies

How to Pursue YOUR Dreams While Raising Teens: Tips for Busy Parents

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, we dive deep into the challenges that working moms face in balancing personal goals with raising teenagers.
Dr. Cam is joined by Heidi Schalk, a business strategy coach, author, and speaker who specializes in empowering women to achieve their goals while maintaining family life. Heidi shares her inspiring journey as a single mom, entrepreneur, and podcaster, and she offers powerful insights on creating a team environment within the family, building mutual trust with your teens, and handling the pressures of both parenting and pursuing your dreams.
If you're a mom feeling overwhelmed by the demands of raising teens while juggling your own aspirations, you're not alone. With 60% of working moms feeling guilty about time spent with their children, this episode is packed with practical strategies to help you build stronger connections with your teen while also honoring your personal goals.
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How to create family goals and foster a team mentality within your household
Simple and fun ways to support your teen's mindset and development
The key to building communication and trust with your teen
How to balance being a present parent while pursuing your personal dreams
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Creating family goals helps develop a team atmosphere, making everyone in the household feel involved and valued.
Supporting your teen’s mindset in simple, fun ways can lead to greater emotional growth and connection.
Building trust with your teen starts with communication and vulnerability — they need to know they can trust you to open up.
Work-life grace, not balance, is the more realistic approach for managing parenting and personal goals.
Asking for help and creating a support system is crucial for both personal and family success.
 
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Don't keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫
🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode!
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Podcast: Be She Podcast
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Heidi Schalk
Website: https://www.heidischalk.com
Instagram: @heidischalk
Facebook: @Heidi Schalk
LinkedIn: @Heidi Schalk
YouTube: Heidi Schalk
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: askdrcam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth.
Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.
#theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

How to Break the Cycle of Toxic Parenting: Effective Strategies to Heal and Thrive

Parenting is tough enough without the weight of unhealthy generational patterns. In this episode, we're joined by Cari Fund, an expert in breaking the cycle of toxic parenting. Cari shares powerful insights on how harmful parenting habits can be passed down, often unknowingly, and how to take the steps needed to break free.
If you’ve ever felt trapped in negative patterns that affect your relationship with your teen, this episode is for you. Cari’s approach is not just about improving the parent-child relationship—it’s also about personal transformation. Tune in to learn how to create a healthier, happier family dynamic.
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How to identify toxic parenting patterns passed down through generations
Key strategies for breaking the cycle of toxic parenting
The importance of self-awareness and healing in parenting
Why setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care is vital for effective parenting
How to communicate with your teen in ways that nurture a healthier relationship
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Toxic parenting patterns can be broken—self-awareness and healing are the first steps.
Prioritizing self-care and setting boundaries is essential for preventing burnout and becoming the parent you want to be.
Vulnerable, open communication builds stronger connections with your teen.
Teach your teen about resilience, self-worth, and the importance of grace.
Progress is more important than perfection—embrace the process of healing and growth.
 
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others who might benefit!
Leave a rating and review to help more parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical advice for you and your family. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫
🔔 Don't forget to hit Follow so you never miss an episode packed with valuable solutions! 🙌
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Cari Fund’s FREE Guide on Toxic Parenting Traits - Learn more about toxic parenting and how to begin the journey of healing.
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Cari Fund:
Website: Cari.Fund
Instagram: @Cari.Fund
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.
 
#theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

How to Build Mutual Trust with Your Teen: Practical Tips for Stronger Relationships with Kristen Duke

Are you struggling to connect with your teen? It might feel like your efforts to build trust and communication are falling short. In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Kristen Duke, a trusted mentor who specializes in helping parents navigate the challenges of raising teens. Kristen shares valuable insights into common pitfalls parents face in their relationships with teens and provides practical strategies for building trust, fostering open communication, and strengthening the parent-teen bond.
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How to foster trust with your teen and rebuild a stronger connection
Key mistakes to avoid when trying to communicate with your teenager
Why focusing on your growth, rather than your teen's behavior, is the key to earning their trust
Simple, actionable steps to improve your relationship with your teen today
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Focus on building trust by connecting with your teen on a deeper level.
Understand the importance of controlling your reactions to strengthen the parent-teen bond.
Recognize your blind spots and how they affect your ability to connect with your teen.
Communication strategies that promote openness, vulnerability, and mutual respect.
Practical ways to nurture the relationship while still maintaining healthy boundaries.
 
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫
🔔 Remember to hit Subscribe so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
FREE Guide: Connection Playbook with 10 intentional ways to connect with your teen
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Kristen Duke
Website: KristenDuke.com
Instagram: @kristendukechats
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
TRANSCRIPT SUMMARY
 
Dr. Cam introduces Kristen Duke as a trusted mentor specializing in supporting parents through the challenges of raising teenagers. Kristen will discuss common pitfalls in parenting relationships and share strategies to foster trust and strengthen connections with teens.
Kristen Duke shares her inspiration for becoming a mentor, noting that she saw a lot of pain in mothers and wanted to address the gap in conversations about raising teenagers.
Dr. Cam asks about the biggest struggles parents face with teenagers. Kristen believes it's the conflict between parental expectations and what teenagers actually want to do.
Kristen emphasizes the importance of the relationship with the teenager and the goal of helping parents become more trusted.
She explains that parents can often feel when they are crossing a line with their teens by observing their reactions, like cold shoulders and eye rolls. While there's an element of typical teenage behavior, parents' reactions can escalate issues.
Dr. Cam uses the analogy of "quicksand" to describe how trust can quickly erode with teens. Kristen's mission is to help parents shift their perspective and avoid this.
Kristen talks about how parents sometimes assume their teens will trust them based on past relationships, but teenagers' desire for independence changes this dynamic.
Dr. Cam and Kristen discuss the concept of a "gentler" or "intentional parenting" approach, clarifying that it is not about being a doormat but rather the opposite of being harsh. Kristen identifies with the idea of being a "trusted" parent, where the ultimate goal is for the teenager to feel safe talking to them and open to their advice.
Dr. Cam asks about specific things parents do that unknowingly push their teens away and erode trust. Kristen refers to these as "parenting blind spots."
Kristen shares examples of her own "freak-out" moments, like reacting negatively to her son's frustrations with a friend or her daughter's social anxiety, which closed off communication. She realized these moments were breaking trust.
Kristen highlights the importance of asking teenagers if they want advice before offering it, as giving unsolicited advice can damage trust. Respecting their "no" is crucial for building trust.
Another blind spot Kristen mentions is "shoulding" on teenagers—using the word "should" in directives or suggestions.
Kristen emphasizes that "feedback is a gift" and encourages parents to be open to hearing their teens' perspectives. Consistency in changing behavior is key to rebuilding trust. Forcing or trying to convince a teen to trust you is ineffective. Instead, parents should try to understand why their teen doesn't trust them.
Apologizing is another important aspect of building trust. Parents don't need to apologize for having rules but can apologize for their own reactions.
Kristen stresses the importance of trying to understand the reason behind a teen's behavior rather than just punishing it. Punishing without understanding creates disconnection and frustration.
While Kristen focuses on parents of teenagers, she wishes preteen parents would also take notice of these principles, as it can create a smoother transition. It's never too late to build trust, though it might take more effort in challenging situations.
Kristen clarifies that while she generally advises against excessive rules and punishments, there are situations—like dangerous behavior—where intervention is necessary. However, even in those cases, the focus should eventually shift towards teaching and understanding.
Kristen and Dr. Cam discuss how the "rebellious teenager" stereotype is not the only path through adolescence, and positive relationships are possible. Often, defiance is a reaction to how the teen is being treated.
Kristen's goal is to have a relationship with her children where they feel safe and trusted, even if they make choices she doesn't agree with. A trusted relationship allows teens to feel safe even when they mess up.
Kristen challenges the parental goal of just wanting their child to be "happy," suggesting it puts a lot of pressure on the child. She also highlights the disconnecting phrase, "I'm just trying to help." Instead, she suggests focusing on wanting them to live a fulfilling or authentic life that normalizes difficulties.
Kristen shares her Instagram handle (@KristenDukeChats) and information about her monthly membership, Team Trusted, and her free intentional connection playbook with 10 ways to grow connection, including the "Rosebud and Thorn" family dinner discussion.
Kristen emphasizes normalizing challenges and responding to them without "freaking out." She also suggests simple connection activities like watching TV together without pressure to talk.
 
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.
#theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

Breaking Free from the Overparenting Trap: How to Raise Independent, Resilient Teens with Julie Lythcott-Haims

In today’s high-pressure world, teens are expected to excel in academics, extracurriculars, and beyond. Parents, driven by love and fear, often take on their children’s stress in an attempt to ensure their success. But what if this well-intentioned involvement is actually doing more harm than good?
In this episode, Dr. Cam welcomes bestselling author and renowned speaker Julie Lythcott-Haims to explore the dangers of overparenting and how parents can foster independence and resilience in their teens. Julie, former dean of freshmen at Stanford University, shares insights from her acclaimed book, How to Raise an Adult, and her viral TED Talk with over 7 million views.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How overparenting hinders teens' independence and problem-solving skills
The key differences between supporting and controlling your child
Why failure is an essential part of a teen’s growth (and how to let them experience it)
Practical steps to shift from overparenting to empowering your teen
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Overparenting stunts development. When parents do too much, teens miss out on learning essential life skills.
Fear and societal pressure drive overparenting. Many parents micromanage out of anxiety about their child’s future rather than their immediate needs.
Failure is crucial for growth. Allowing teens to struggle helps them build confidence and resilience.
Parents must regulate their own fears. Managing personal insecurities helps create a healthier parenting approach.
Balance support with autonomy. Providing guidance while letting teens make their own decisions fosters true independence.
 
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫
 
🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Julie Lythcott-Haims Ted Talk: How to Successful Raise Kids--With Over-Parenting
Julie’s Parent Resource Recommendations
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Julie Lythcott-Haims
Website: julielythcotthaims.com
Instagram: @jlythcotthaims
Facebook: @jlythcotthaims
Twitter: @jlythcotthaims
LinkedIn: Julie Lythcott-Haims
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
TRANSCRIPT
 
Dr. Cam: She sparked a national dialogue challenging conventional parenting wisdom in her acclaimed book, How to Raise an Adult, and her TED Talk, How to Raise Successful Kids Without Overparenting, boasting over seven million views, many of which are mine. Welcome, Julie. First, share a bit of your backstory with us. What inspired you to focus on overparenting?
Julie Lythcott-Haims (00:53.853): Well, thank you for having me, Dr. Cam, and everyone listening to us. I hope you get something useful out of this. Pay attention to what comes up in your body because that's a clue that maybe there's something that you want to pay attention to. I am the author of How to Raise an Adult, which Dr. Cam mentioned, and I wrote this having been the dean of freshman students at Stanford University for 10 years. As a college administrator in the early 2000s...
Dr. Cam (07:35.812): It really is. And then doing that is going to send our kids to therapy too. So keep going.
Julie Lythcott-Haims (07:41.113): Well, I would just say, you know, I've been there. I have a 24-year-old and a 22-year-old, and I'm the expert, so to speak. And yet, turns out I was overparenting. My son, who's 24, came home for what I now call bonus years—mental health crisis in college right before the pandemic, left college, things got worse, came home to shelter in place, really depressed, finally got great therapy. We went into family therapy.
Julie Lythcott-Haims (21:15.881): I hope you get some downtime. I'm in the other room if you need me. Like, I love you. You know, like the warmth and the juice and then walk away so the kid can be like, okay, right. I am responsible. So the more we hound them and we're on them and we act like, "I have to hound you because you won’t do it unless I make you," the more they're like, "Screw you. You can't make me," right? Or, "Fine, you are making me." In fact, Dr. Cam, I had a call from a mom who 
Julie Lythcott-Haims (21:45.545): ...point you've been making about the harmful effects of nagging and reminding. She said, "I got two sons. I got a biological son who's 17 and an adopted son who's 15. My bio son has had a lot of struggles. He's in a residential boarding school in a different state. We have family therapy on the phone once a week. And in family therapy this week, he said, 'Mom, every time you ask, Have you done this? When are you going to do this? Why haven’t you done this? Don’t forget to do this. Oh, I think you should do this…'"
Julie Lythcott-Haims (22:43.449):My adopted son—I am more loving toward my adopted son because she worked it out. So I tell parents, maybe you don’t have the A/B test of your adopted kid and your biological kid, but think about how you are with your nieces and nephews and best friends’ kids. You are that loving adult who doesn’t judge, who doesn’t act like it’s yours to fix. Like when their kid comes home, when you’re at their house, you know, you’re the aunt or the uncle or the best friend of the family. It’s Friday afternoon, their kid comes home...
Dr. Cam (24:55.058):Doing less but still showing how much we care.
Julie Lythcott-Haims (25:00.989):Well, part of it is listening to a great podcast like this where we try to say this, right? But I think this is where I said the definition of love has become like, "I do everything for you," instead of creating the conditions under which you can do. And this goes back to our own ego. Like, I feel needed and useful when I’m doing more as opposed to, "I am creating the conditions under which my kid can thrive." So one hack for this is...
Dr. Cam (26:43.194):Please do that. Yes, get off that. It's the worst invention. It's terrible.
Julie Lythcott-Haims (26:50.833):But it's evidence that you are so wrapped up in this person's existence that you're hitting refresh to calm your own dysregulation, right? Let me give you another story. Can I give you another story? All right. My son—24. I have a great daughter too, 22, but my story is, he's the one that lives with us still, so I got more stories right now. In the pandemic, it was 2021, George Floyd had been murdered nine months earlier, we’re a Black family...
Dr. Cam (28:27.153):I'll write you a script.
Julie Lythcott-Haims (28:43.985):Yeah, sweetie, that does sound hard. And then I paused, and my little heart is fluttering because I don’t want my kid to feel anything is hard. And then I looked at him and said, "But you know what? You do hard things." And I kind of stayed—I didn’t get all up in his face. I was like, "You do hard things." Smile. Confidence. And his eyes flew open, and he was like, "I do hard things."
Dr. Cam (30:05.74):
That is a good point.
Julie Lythcott-Haims (30:08.781):It’s just a different type of doing, right? Instead of doing the thing, the fixing, the handling, the arranging, it's, "Okay, my job is to work on myself to not need to do the thing so that I don’t deprive my kid." My kid needs the opportunity to do the thing. We need to flip the language—it needs to be like, "Why would I deprive my child of the chance to learn in this moment?"
Dr. Cam (30:29.742):The deprivation—I love that, because it does change it to, it’s not that I’m not helping him, it’s that I’m giving him the opportunity. I’m going to let him have this one; I’m not going to take it for myself. And I think that’s a language that might help us.
Julie Lythcott-Haims (31:42.141):So let me say this, and this is for your producer to edit out. I am supposed to be on a call three minutes ago, which I didn’t realize. So I do need to wrap. Okay.
Dr. Cam (31:49.467): Oh, we can go.
Julie Lythcott-Haims (31:49.467):Sure, absolutely. Let’s do this. And I just want to do one golden nugget to give the listeners to walk away with. The golden nugget is your child is actually a separate person from you, and they are a gift from the universe or God or however you believe we all get here. Your job is not to live their life for them, but simply to prepare the conditions under which this precious gift will become themselves. They are a wildflower. You don’t even know what they’re going to look like or be like. You just create the right conditions where this wildflower can become their glorious self.
Dr. Cam (32:41.074):I love that. What a great place to close. Thank you, Julie, so much for joining us.
Julie Lythcott-Haims (32:45.937):Thank you, Dr. Cam, and to everyone who listened. Hope you got something good and useful out of it. Appreciate you.
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.
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