Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam

Helping Tweens Succeed in School: Parenting Strategies for Academic Success

Helping your tween thrive academically isn’t just about grades—it’s about fostering motivation, independence, and a love for learning. In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with JoAnn Schauf, founder of Your Tween and You, to discuss how parents can set their tweens up for success in school without constant battles over homework and grades.
JoAnn, often called the Parent Whisperer, shares expert insights from her book Loving the Alien: How to Parent Your Tween. She provides practical strategies to help tweens develop strong study habits, take ownership of their learning, and build confidence in their abilities.
 
What You'll Learn in This Episode
How to encourage motivation without nagging
The best ways to help your tween set and reach academic goals
Why focusing on strengths leads to better learning outcomes
How to balance support and independence in schoolwork
The role of technology in learning—and how to set boundaries
 
5 Key Takeaways for Parents of Tweens
Collaboration boosts motivation – Involve tweens in goal-setting to help them feel invested in their education.
Study habits matter more than grades – Focus on effort, organization, and progress rather than just report cards.
Let them take ownership – Encourage problem-solving instead of fixing everything for them.
Support, don’t micromanage – Guide your tween in developing independence rather than controlling their work.
Praise the process, not just the outcome – Recognize hard work, consistency, and small wins to build confidence.
 
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Resources Mentioned in This Episode
20% discount for new coaching clients through September 15, 2024 at YourTweenandYou.com
Episode Chapters
00:00 – Introduction and Background
03:01 – Encouraging Motivation Without Nagging
08:05 – Setting Realistic Academic Goals
13:56 – Balancing Support and Independence
19:01 – The Role of Technology in Learning
24:54 – Focusing on Strengths Over Grades
31:48 – Helping Tweens Build Study Habits
36:50 – Conclusion and Book Recommendation
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: JoAnn Schauf
Website: YourTweenandYou.com
Instagram: @YourTweenandYou
YouTube: Your Tween and You
Facebook: @YourTweenandYou
LinkedIn: JoAnn Schauf
 
Connect with Your Host: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam (00:00.762)Hello, parents of tweens and teens! As the new school year approaches, prepping our tweens for success is more important than ever. Today, we're diving into some of the biggest challenges parents face: balancing expectations, navigating social dynamics, and setting up accountability for academic success. Our special guest, JoAnn Schauf, is here to share expert insights. Often called the "Parent Whisperer," JoAnn is the author of Loving the Alien: How to Parent Your Tween and founder of Your Tween and You, a resource dedicated to supporting, empowering, and inspiring parents. She’s here to give us valuable tips and actionable advice to help our tweens have their best school year yet. JoAnn, welcome to the show!
JoAnn Schauf (00:48.354)Thank you so much! It’s so fun to be here.
Dr. Cam (00:50.444)It is! I love starting with the backstory. What inspired you to help parents and their tweens?
JoAnn Schauf (00:58.872)This has been building for a while. I was a school counselor when cell phones first became a big thing, and parents were tearing their hair out. It was already tough—tweens were hibernating in their rooms, and parents felt lost because they weren’t as involved in middle school as they were in elementary school. At one point, I had more parents in my office than students because they didn’t know what to do with technology. Then I realized—it wasn’t just technology. There were so many things parents needed help with. So, I thought, They need a book. They need tools and strategies to understand what’s going on with their tweens. That’s how it all started.
Dr. Cam (01:49.976)Such a big need! By the time this episode airs, school will be even closer, and parents are already starting to panic. What are some of the biggest challenges they come to you about?
JoAnn Schauf (02:15.054)Technology is a huge one. It used to be recommended to keep the family computer in a shared space so parents could monitor usage. Now, we’ve gone from that to handing kids a smartphone with unlimited access, and no one knew the rules. Parents didn’t grow up with this either, so there wasn’t any historical guidance. We had to write a playbook to help them figure it out.
Dr. Cam (02:54.042)Yeah, what specific challenges are causing the biggest struggles?
JoAnn Schauf (03:01.422)Everything from stranger danger to video game addiction to kids staying up all night texting. Sleep is critical, and if they’re on their phones all night, it affects everything. Parents need to take control, but we also need to think about our own screen habits. If we’re on our phones constantly, we’re not setting a great example. It’s easy to fall into the “do as I say, not as I do” trap.
Dr. Cam (03:48.629)All the time. Exactly.
JoAnn Schauf (03:51.118)One little device has completely changed how we function as a society.
Dr. Cam (04:02.274)It really has. And parents often see it as a negative just because it’s different from how we grew up. A lot of school-related conflict comes down to two things: pressure to succeed and battles over phone use. Parents expect straight A’s in every subject, regardless of a child’s strengths or interests, and they want them off their phones completely during homework. But many kids actually use their phones to help with schoolwork—whether it’s researching online or FaceTiming a friend for support. When we take the phone away, we might be removing their learning tools instead of solving the real problem. How do we find a balance where kids can focus without constant battles over technology?
JoAnn Schauf (05:22.318)The key is to avoid turning it into a battle. The moment it becomes a power struggle, no one wins. I encourage parents to collaborate instead of just laying down the law. Saying, “You can only use it from this time to this time, and it stays in the kitchen the rest of the day,” creates a feeling of distrust. The stricter you are, the more they’ll resist. A better approach is to invite them into a conversation:
“School’s starting soon. You’ve had a lot of freedom with technology over the summer. Let’s figure out a plan together so we’re not constantly fighting about it.”
Dr. Cam (06:01.442)Yes! That’s not just teens—that’s human nature.
JoAnn Schauf (06:17.592)Exactly. This approach gives them a sense of ownership. Instead of laying down rules, ask, “How can we set this up so we both feel good about it?” That way, it’s a collaborative solution, not a dictatorship.
Dr. Cam (06:31.866)I love that. But let’s be real—many parents interpret “having a conversation” as “I’ll tell you the rules, and you’ll listen.” Why doesn’t that work?
JoAnn Schauf (06:50.926)Because tweens don’t want to be bossed around. They’re figuring out their identity, what they believe in, and how they fit into the world. Two things they crave most are independence and autonomy. If you just lay down rules, they’ll resist—even if they agree with you. It’s part of growing up.
Dr. Cam (07:31.696)And if they do obey, they’re either miserable or sneaky about it.
JoAnn Schauf (07:36.526)Right. That’s why parents need to gradually let go of control so kids learn to self-regulate. By the time they’re on their own at 18 or 21, they need to know how to manage their time, their responsibilities, and yes—their screen use.
Dr. Cam (08:12.016)Many parents worry that if they don’t enforce strict limits, their kids will be on their phones 24/7 and their grades will plummet. What’s your response?
JoAnn Schauf (08:30.668)Collaboration is key. Say, “I don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t want your phone to be the source of constant fights. How can we make this work for both of us?” If they feel involved in setting the rules, they’re much more likely to follow them.
Dr. Cam (09:03.354)Absolutely. Tweens and teens know their phones are distracting. Sometimes, they turn to them because they’re bored—not because they don’t care about school. Removing the phone doesn’t make homework more engaging. And not all screen time is equal.
JoAnn Schauf (09:44.206)Exactly! That’s why it’s important to define what’s allowed and what’s not. Tell them, “These are the apps I’m okay with. Since I’m paying for the phone, I need to see what you’re doing on it.” They won’t love that, but it’s about safety, not control. Parents aren’t spying—they’re making sure their kids are safe and using technology in a healthy way.
Dr. Cam (10:39.854): Yeah, so I think this is one of those fine lines you have to walk carefully because I agree with you. However, how we do it makes all the difference. If it's "This is my phone, I get to take it whenever I want," that’s hard because you gave it to them, and they’re having personal conversations with their friends. A lot of the kids I talk to have nothing to hide, but they feel responsible for keeping what their friends say confidential. I’ve had this experience with my daughter, where I said, "I want to look at this," and she got really upset. I asked, "What are you hiding?" It turned out she wasn’t hiding anything. I trust her, but she was worried about her friends. So I think how we handle the phone is important. I want to bring this back to academics because it’s really important. We want to create an expectation for school, but how do we do that so both we as parents and our teens are okay with it? If it doesn’t work for them, they won’t abide by it.
JoAnn Schauf (11:58.028): Right, and communication is really important. When we listen to understand our kids, we get knowledge about how they feel, what they’re doing, and what their plans are. The connection comes from listening, not just from telling them what to do. If we’re always focusing on things they’ve done wrong, they won’t feel comfortable coming to us with issues, like if someone is bothering them at school. As parents, it's on us to build that connection, to talk in a way they feel heard and listened to. One thing I really like is giving your child a voice. For example, when we talk about grades, we can ask, "What grades do you think you can earn?" Instead of saying, "I want you to get A's and B's," ask, "What do you think you can earn in math?" If math is their strong subject, they might say, "I can get between a 95 and 98 in math, no problem." But if they hate writing and reading, they might say, "I don’t like language arts. An 88 sounds good for me." The key is setting realistic goals. We can’t expect them to get all A’s everywhere, but if we help them set achievable goals, they’re more likely to succeed. Before school starts, I suggest sitting down with your teen to talk about their goals. The goals should be theirs, not ours.
Dr. Cam (15:14.468): Exactly. It’s also important to revisit those goals later in the year because it’s hard to set goals before they know the teacher, the class, or the workload. I’ve seen kids who do really well in elementary school but struggle in middle school because the work is tougher. The subjects become more specialized, and they realize, "I’m great in literature but not so good at science." Suddenly, they’re not straight A students anymore, and they think, "I’m stupid." They give up across the board. So I love your idea of helping them identify what they’re passionate about and where they need to work harder. If they love a subject, they’ll go all in. For the subjects they don’t enjoy, they still have to put in the effort, but they don’t have to be perfect.
JoAnn Schauf (16:26.606): Yeah, and you’re so right about middle school. In elementary school, kids can often correct their mistakes to improve their grades. So, if they get a 78, they might redo it and end up with an 88 or 90. That can inflate their grade a bit because they’re getting second chances. Middle school doesn’t offer as many second chances, and the grading reflects that. This is a tough transition for kids, especially when they’ve been successful before. They think, "I was smart last year, but this year I’m not," and that can be a hard blow.
Dr. Cam (17:17.024): I see this a lot. Kids' grades start to drop, and they think, "If I’m not getting straight A’s, I’m just not a straight A student anymore," so they give up. This is why focusing too much on the grade can be harmful. If the focus is on getting the grade, kids might do the least amount of work to get it, or even cheat. So, Joanne, let’s talk about how to motivate kids, especially in middle school. How do we help them develop intrinsic motivation without nagging?
JoAnn Schauf (18:05.674): One way to do this is by focusing on the tasks that lead to good grades, not just the grades themselves. Ask them, "What time will you do your homework? How will you stay organized?" Many kids submit homework online but sometimes forget to turn it in. It’s about teaching them the building blocks of success: doing homework, turning it in, and staying organized. Without these skills, the grades won’t come. It’s important to reward the process. When they get their homework done on time or organize their backpack, celebrate that. It’s about them feeling proud of their effort, not about us saying, "I’m proud of you." Intrinsic motivation comes when kids recognize their own hard work and feel good about it.
Dr. Cam (19:25.284): Yeah, and not trying to please us. I like the building blocks too because as parents, we often say, "Your grades are failing; you need to do better." And when I ask the kids, "What do you mean by 'do better'?" they don't know how to answer. Let's look at what's getting in your way. It's not that they're lazy; they just forget things, like turning in assignments. They don’t think about stuff like that at this age. So let's figure out a plan or try different strategies to see what works for them. I'm not going to tell you what to do because it might not work for you. What works for you to get your homework in on time? How can you remind yourself?
JoAnn Schauf (20:13.326): Right. One helpful thing is for kids to realize they have to submit their homework at a specific time. Once they have a plan—doing the work at this time and submitting it at this time—it becomes a habit. All of these things—doing the work, writing it down, and turning it in—become habits. It’s so sad when kids do all the work and don’t get credit for it because they didn’t turn it in on time. They should get credit for their effort.
Dr. Cam (20:49.658): Exactly, and I want to add something. One of the worst inventions, in my opinion, is the ability for parents to check grades every second of the day. I think it’s harmful for both kids and parents. Parents start owning the grade, and teachers don’t always update the grades on time. I’ve seen kids getting in trouble for their grades when the teacher hasn’t entered them yet. It creates so much unnecessary pressure and unrealistic expectations. I just wish it would go away.
JoAnn Schauf (21:44.266): It really is crazy. Before this, kids had less stress because they didn’t walk in the door and hear, "Why did you get a C+ on that test? You studied so hard, you knew everything. How did that happen?" How can a kid even answer that? So, what I tell my clients is this: make a deal with your kids in the summer about what they want to earn and how their homework will look. Promise that you’ll never open the grade portal. Every week, sit down with them—maybe with brownies or ice cream, or go for a walk—and let them open the portal to show you their grades. When they see it, they can think, "No wonder I have an 82 in social studies. I forgot to turn in that paper when I was sick." Then, they’ll take ownership and ask the teacher if they can turn it in late. That’s what ownership looks like.
Dr. Cam (22:56.934): I’m so glad you agree, Joanne. It’s all about ownership. I see it in the workplace too. People complain about Gen Z not having the right skills, but the problem is parents take so much ownership of everything that kids never learn how to do things themselves. We send them into the world with good grades, but they haven’t learned how to earn those grades on their own.
JoAnn Schauf (23:26.956): Exactly. When we own something, we take care of it, right? You get a new car, new dishes, or new clothes, and you take care of them because you own them. That feeling of ownership is powerful for kids. When parents don’t let go, it’s scary for them. They think if they don’t manage everything, their kids won’t succeed. But the truth is, kids would probably do better without the constant nagging. Just ask them, "What are you going to do? How are you going to handle your homework?" Let them decide. If they say, "I hate math, but I’ll do it first to get it out of the way," that’s their plan, and it’s empowering.
Dr. Cam (24:34.246): I love that one. "Go to the store and get this."
JoAnn Schauf (24:39.362): Yeah, there’s always that, "Can you stop what you’re doing and go get this?" But again, it’s their voice speaking, and that’s powerful.
Dr. Cam (24:43.878): It’s 100%. I’ve seen that with my daughter. She’s gone from having great grades to struggling, but she’s always taken ownership of it. Now, at 18, she manages everything herself. It’s amazing. She’s better at it than I am now.
Dr. Cam (25:22.63): She’s had ownership her whole life, including the responsibility to fail. If things didn’t work out, we never punished her; we worked together to figure it out. Now, she can solve problems on her own, which is incredible.
JoAnn Schauf (25:44.3): That’s awesome. You did a great job.
Dr. Cam (25:46.852): I’ve been focused on that. But parents have a hard time letting go because of fear—fear of what will happen if they do. I want to put more fear into them about not letting go, because that’s scarier. If they don’t, their kids won’t have the skills they need.
JoAnn Schauf (25:56.47): It’s true.
JoAnn Schauf (26:10.21): When you mentioned middle school earlier, that’s a great time for kids to experience failure. Failure is an opportunity to learn. If a kid didn’t study for a test, there’s no punishment. Instead, we ask, "If you could do it over, what would you do differently?" They might say, "I would’ve started reviewing my notes earlier." This kind of problem-solving teaches them what to do next time.
Dr. Cam (27:32.058): That’s great.
JoAnn Schauf (27:32.658): I did a workshop for teachers about "second-tier learning"—learning from mistakes. I asked them, "When you hand back tests, what happens?" They said they just move on. I asked, "What about helping them learn from what they missed?" After that, many teachers realized how valuable it is to give kids that chance to learn from their mistakes.
Dr. Cam (27:42.02): Yeah, it’s amazing when they can do that. And when they don’t fear failure, right? If they’re punished for failing, they’ll avoid it and hide it. But if they can solve the problem and learn from it, they won’t fear failure. They’ll be excited to try new things.
JoAnn Schauf (28:11.936): Exactly. Trying new things is so awesome for middle school kids. Sometimes, parents just need a reminder that failing in middle school won’t keep them from getting into Harvard Law School.
Dr. Cam (28:27.414): No, and getting into Harvard Law School isn’t a guarantee of a perfect life. Not everyone is made for Harvard Law. I think we need to focus on strengths too. Not all kids learn the same way. If they took a history test and didn’t do well, instead of saying, "Go study again," suggest something different—like watching a movie about it, reading a book, or playing a game. They could start learning in a fun way. My daughter, for example, if there’s a Broadway show about something, she’s all in. She knows everything about Hamilton, even if it's not totally accurate. So, let’s find ways to help them learn that works for them.
JoAnn Schauf (29:20.782): That’s a great idea. Kids love learning from videos, and hands-on learners need something tangible to connect with. If they didn’t get something right, have them show you what it looks like. They might build a model. The thing is, kids rarely realize they’re a hands-on learner, an auditory learner, or a visual learner. Once they or their parents figure it out, it really helps them learn in the way that works best.
Dr. Cam (29:53.956): Exactly. And going back to videos—many kids might not care about what they learn in school, but they’ll spend hours diving into YouTube, becoming experts in topics they care about. If they’re struggling in school, ask yourself: What are they interested in? Are they motivated there? If they are, your kid is already motivated.
JoAnn Schauf (30:30.54): Right. I had four kids, and they were all different. One of them really struggled in school. He’s a great kid—outgoing, friendly, with tons of friends—but grades were never his thing. But he was an amazing hockey player, and he loved it. He did well in hockey, so I let him play, no matter what his grades were. My other kids thought it wasn’t fair that he got to play, even when his grades weren’t perfect. But I always told them: “You need to do what you’re good at. Let's celebrate what you’re good at.” That helped my relationship with him because he knew I understood his struggles in school but also wanted to support his love for hockey. Parents should think about other ways to measure a child's success, beyond just grades.
Dr. Cam (31:47.802): I love that. We get so focused on grades, thinking they’re the only measure of success. But hockey has nothing to do with grades. Taking that away sends the message that anything else about them doesn’t matter. Plus, if they don’t have time for the things they love, they won’t have the energy or motivation to tackle the tough stuff, like schoolwork. I see this all the time—kids who enjoy nothing because it’s all work, and then they’re stressed and being yelled at to do their homework. It’s setting them up to fail.
JoAnn Schauf (32:39.48): No, I agree. When I was a kid, I hated being yelled at.
Dr. Cam (32:46.246): I still hate being yelled at. It’s just not fun.
JoAnn Schauf (32:50.51): It’s so disrespectful. That’s something I try to help parents understand—that their tone of voice matters. When you’re about to lecture your child because their room’s a mess and grandma’s coming over, they already know if you’re going to listen or lecture after the first couple of sentences. They can shut you out and look like they’re listening, but they’re really thinking about something else, like a new song or a YouTube video. If you want to make a difference, your tone can’t sound like a lecture or “I’m right, you’re wrong, and I’ll tell you why.” That’s my least favorite.
Dr. Cam (33:42.346): Right, because “I’m the parent.” But I think what’s hard is we perceive them not listening as disrespect, when really, they’re feeling disrespected and protecting themselves. It’s more about how we perceive it.
JoAnn Schauf (33:57.326): Exactly, Dr. Cam.
Dr. Cam (34:07.962): So, what are the top three things you want parents to take away from this episode?
JoAnn Schauf (34:13.004): First, I want them to understand the value of their child’s voice. Listen to understand them. Second, set up accountabilities for success. Let your child decide their grade goals, and then go over their grades together. Open that portal and hear the stories behind the numbers. Like, “Mrs. Perkins didn’t get the copies made, so they didn’t have to take that test.” You won’t get that from just opening the portal. And third, focus on your child’s strengths. For example, my daughter loved animals—dogs, cats, turtles—she was friends with them all. In seventh grade, I suggested she volunteer at a vet’s office. She wanted to be a vet, but after a few weeks, she fainted while watching a surgery. She knew she wasn’t cut out for being a vet. But it was a powerful learning experience. She could still volunteer in dog rescue, but now she knew her limits. Helping kids find their interests and honing their skills is really important.
Dr. Cam (36:24.302): When they’re moving toward something they’re passionate about, the motivation and drive are incredible. But if they’re dragging their heels, they’re probably not following their passion.
JoAnn Schauf (36:43.404): Exactly. Thank you so much for having me on today.
Dr. Cam (36:47.502): Thank you, JoAnn. I appreciate it.
JoAnn Schauf (36:50.956): I just want to mention that I have a book called Loving the Alien: How to Raise Your Tween. Every chapter starts with a story every parent will relate to, followed by strategies and skills to make life with your tween much more enjoyable.
Dr. Cam (37:14.426): That’s fantastic. I’ll put a link in the show notes so everyone can find it. Thank you again for joining us, JoAnn. It’s been a pleasure.
JoAnn Schauf (37:21.826): Thank you, it was my pleasure. Have a great day
 
About the Show:
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam
#parenting #tweens #academicmotivation #studyhabits

Essential Guide for Parents of 18-Year-Olds: Preparing for the Transition to Adulthood

Turning 18 is a significant milestone that brings up a whirlwind of emotions for both parents and teens. Parents often struggle with how much to loosen their grip, while teens may have unrealistic expectations of complete independence. In this episode, I’m joined by Joanna Lilley, a renowned Therapeutic Consultant and Wellness Gap Consultant, who specializes in guiding young adults through this critical transition.
Joanna shares valuable tips on how parents can prepare their teens for adulthood by teaching skills and responsibilities gradually, modeling the behavior they want to see, and creating opportunities for teens to practice independence. The episode also touches on the importance of letting go, trusting that your teen will figure things out, and how to approach the tough conversations about expectations. The key takeaway? Don't let the 18th birthday drive fear and worry—prepare ahead of time and have open, honest conversations with your teens.
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How to prepare your teen for adulthood by gradually teaching essential skills
Why modeling behavior is critical for guiding your teen
The importance of creating opportunities for teens to practice independence
How to let go and trust that your teen will navigate challenges
Why open conversations about expectations are essential for a smooth transition
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Gradually teach teens skills and responsibilities to prepare them for adulthood.
Model the behavior you want to see in your teens.
Create opportunities for teens to practice independence.
Let go and trust that your teens will figure things out.
Have open conversations with teens about expectations.
 
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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Success Is Subjective Podcast: Listen here
 
EPISODE CHAPTERS
00:00 - Teens Turning 18: A Significant Shift
06:13 - Preparing Teens for Adulthood
09:19 - Teaching Skills and Responsibilities
14:56 - Letting Go and Focusing on Self-Care
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Joanna Lilley
Website: www.lilleyconsulting.com
LinkedIn: Joanna Lilley
Facebook: Lilley Consulting LLC
YouTube: Lilley Consulting on YouTube
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
FULL TRANSCRIPT
 
Dr. Cam Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. Today we're tackling the significant shift when our kids turn 18. Teens are eager to embrace their independence. They're legal, right? But parents struggle with how much to loosen their grip, especially if they don't feel their teen is quite prepared yet to be an adult. So, it's a complex and challenging time to navigate. Joining us today is Joanna Lilley, a therapeutic consultant specializing in guiding young adults through this pivotal transition. Joanna is going to help us address our concerns about our teen's readiness for adult responsibilities and finding the right balance of support and freedom. Joanna, welcome to the show.
Joanna Lilley (00:42.074) Thanks for having me.
Joanna Lilley (00:50.202) Well, I’ll say this topic is pretty par for the course for me. What I enjoy about working with young adults is that they do have autonomy and agency, but there's still a significant level of dependence and skill building that's needed. I enjoy it because it’s the perfect storm of how do we collaborate in this transitional period of launching into adulthood?
Dr. Cam (01:21.555) I love that, and I agree. It’s such a difficult thing to navigate for both teens and parents. It's funny, though, because when I work with a lot of kids—most of them are around 16 or 17—they envision that once they turn 18, they're completely independent. They think parents won’t have a say in what they do, and they’re free. Parents, on the other hand, think it's no different than when they were 16 or 17. As long as they’re under our roof, everything we say goes. When this time comes, those two very different views fuel a lot of conflict. So, let’s first talk about the teen's perspective. Why are they suddenly saying, “I’m free”—except for food, shelter, and all the things they still need from their parents?
Joanna Lilley (02:18.778) I'm sure it has a lot to do with how they were parented and how involved their parents were in their lives. There needs to be balance. For young adults who feel like they were over-managed, they have this countdown until their 18th birthday, thinking, "Once I turn 18, I’m free!" But the reality is, as you said, they’re still very dependent on their parents. It’s a cognitive dissonance—their idea of independence versus the reality of needing support.
Dr. Cam (03:06.547) Right. They see the freedom, but not the responsibility that comes with it. So, now let’s look at the parent's perspective. Why are parents often reluctant to let go when their kids turn 18? Is 18, other than being legally the age of adulthood, something parents should be concerned about?
Joanna Lilley (03:36.794) There’s certainly a fear that once their child turns 18, parents will lose control or their advice will no longer matter. But the reality is, if they’re under your roof, if you’re providing food or paying for school, just because they’re 18 doesn’t mean you lose influence over what they’re involved with or how they’re cared for. As they launch into adulthood, there’s still a shift in parenting. Parents get very tunnel-visioned because they’ve been so involved in their child’s life. Then, when 18 hits, panic sets in. "Oh my gosh, I haven’t laid the foundation for everything they need before they turn 18." There’s a real fear that they don’t have the skills to survive in the real world. It also comes down to brain development—teens can make impulsive decisions. Parents worry about the choices their kids might make. It really depends on the parent-child dynamic, but most parents I work with are very involved, and when their child turns 18, they realize they may not have the skills to survive independently.
Dr. Cam (05:33.459) Yeah, exactly. So, how do we start preparing our teens? Let’s be real—our number one job as parents is to prepare our kids to be independent, not to keep them dependent on us. I see some parents still wanting their kids to be dependent, or getting frustrated that their kids are still dependent when they’re old enough. How do we start preparing them to be independent but still want us, not need us?
Joanna Lilley (06:12.954) I love the distinction between needing and wanting. We do want our kids to communicate with us, to call us and tell us what’s going on in their lives—not call us because they don’t know their social security number! There’s a lot of logistical information parents can start to infuse in their kids' lives. Things like scheduling doctor’s appointments, understanding insurance, medications, filling prescriptions, setting alarms, doing laundry. These are the basic skills they need to survive independently. We should start incorporating these into their high school years. If they’re not working, they can volunteer—teaching them consistency, routine, and responsibility. Just because they’re an adult doesn’t mean life is all sunshine and rainbows. In fact, adulting is often mundane and tedious. So, we need to take the shine off of adulthood and show them the real responsibilities that come with it. That way, when they turn 18, they won’t be let down by all the adult responsibilities that come with it.
Dr. Cam (07:55.603) Right, and I can already hear some of my clients saying, “I would love to teach them these things, but they don’t listen. They don’t want to help around the house, and it’s just a constant battle.” How do we start teaching responsibility and these life skills if they’re resistant?
Joanna Lilley (08:27.066) Such a great question. Well, first and foremost, keep listening to this podcast for tips on how to communicate better with your teen. There are also objective resources, like professionals, who can help—whether that’s putting a coach in front of your child or for you as a parent. It’s about learning the subtle differences in how to ask your teen to do things or how to invite them into these “boring” adulting tasks. We want to get them excited about it. If you communicate it as something that’s not just an obligation but a skill to help them become an adult, they might buy in more. And, honestly, there are professionals who can help you make those subtle adjustments in how you communicate. If your automatic response is that they’ll push back or refuse and it leads to an argument, then let’s shift that dynamic. The earlier you do this, the more prepared your teen will be by the time they turn 18. And as a parent, you’ll be in a better place with communication and your dynamic will feel more like a partnership. At that point, you’re not just parenting a child—you’re parenting an adult, and they’ll want to communicate with you, not because they need to, but because they want to.
Dr. Cam (10:20.275): Yeah, I think that's so important, and getting there can be a struggle. One of the obstacles I see with a lot of parents is that we get very laser-focused on what our teen is not doing or what they're doing, and we think they just need to change. I keep reiterating to everyone: if your teen is not listening to you, if they're not respecting you, if they're resistant to anything you have to say, it's not your teen's fault. It's on you as the parent to change the dynamic. It's not about them needing to change, it's about you needing to change if you want to have the relationship you want with your teenager. That’s a difficult thing for people to accept. I’d love for you to speak to that a little, because I think one of the biggest obstacles we face as parents is thinking that if we change, it feels like they now have all the control, and we're changing for them, which doesn’t feel good either. Can you speak to that?
Joanna Lilley (11:30.458): Yeah, I literally had a conversation about this just last week. Parents feel like they have no voice. There's a level of powerlessness that builds up over time, creating this dynamic where parents feel like they have no control over their 18-year-old. They're going to totally run the house. To answer your question, there are resources out there, like books or podcasts, that can help. But I think it's important to understand that having power as a parent doesn’t mean shifting to an authoritarian style of parenting. It's about knowing what’s in your control and what you can do for your child. It’s about inviting them to participate in the family system, rather than falling into the parent-child dynamic where the child feels picked on or targeted. Like you said, we often focus on the negative, and that creates a negative dynamic. Parents are frustrated, the teen is irritated, and everyone is just walking around angry. If parents can learn about power—where it comes from and how it can be a beautiful thing for a parent to maintain—it can invite consent for the child to show up and participate how they want to.
Dr. Cam (13:20.243): Right, we can’t force things like respect, trust, or gratitude. Trying to force those things actually undermines what we're trying to do. Instead, if you see something lacking in your teen, rather than demanding it from them, increase how you demonstrate those qualities in your interactions with them and others when they’re around. That's how they’re learning. So, how do we model this as they turn 18? How do we ensure they have the skills to be decent and competent human beings? I think those are the two main things we worry about—are they going to be kind and competent? How do we model that in a way they’ll pick up on?
Joanna Lilley (14:30.81): Well, it's not something that’s going to happen overnight. The earlier you can start leaning into this, the longer the runway you have to role model and for your child to observe and replicate. As far as being a decent human being, ideally, that apple falls close to the tree. If you’re a decent person, your child will likely follow suit. If you're angry all the time, that’s how your child will show up in the world. Parents need to focus on mindfulness, managing their anger, impatience, and how they respond to situations. The earlier you focus on that, the better. If your child can observe you handling emotions well, they'll learn self-awareness, which will help them bring joy and peace to the world rather than anger. In terms of independent skills, we need to teach those earlier. It’s about preparing them for the world.
Dr. Cam (16:15.027): When our kids become more independent, we often struggle with letting go. It’s not just about our kids; it’s also about us wondering, “Did I do enough? Did I prepare them?” So how do parents start to let go, especially when they've been holding on really tightly? How do we shift into letting them go when we fear what might happen if they rely on themselves?
Joanna Lilley (16:57.018): This is a hard one, but it’s something I share with all my parents. I tell them it’s not just about them turning 18—it’s about what happens if something happens to you. Can they step up and take care of themselves? It's a tough realization, but we need to set them up for independence. They might launch earlier or later, and that’s okay. I also want to point out that sometimes, even if you raise someone well, they might still make poor choices in your eyes. But those are their decisions, and you have to learn to accept that. To answer your question about letting go, parents who are very involved often feel like they’re running a full-time job—driving their kids, coordinating schedules. When the child leaves, there's suddenly free time, and parents wonder, “What do I do with all this time?” I actually encourage parents to start thinking about what interests them before their child turns 18. Find activities you’re passionate about so that when your child leaves, you already have something to focus on. Letting go is easier when you’re doing things that are fulfilling to you. You've spent 18-plus years caring for someone else, so now it’s your turn to focus on yourself and trust that you’ve prepared your child to take care of themselves once they're over the age of 18.
Dr. Cam (20:16.179): Yeah, I think that's so important, and I love that. I tell parents the same thing: Get your own life. This is exciting for you! It's time for you to find new things, and your teens will thank you for it. They always do. They’ll thank you for not having all your attention on them because that’s way too much pressure, and they don’t want it. But I think when we’re letting our teens go, it’s important to realize that they’re going to make mistakes—sometimes really big ones. There’s nothing we can do to prevent that. And it's okay because we make big mistakes all the time, right? The goal is for them to be able to make mistakes and think, I want to go talk to mom and dad about that, rather than Oh my God, I need to hide this from mom and dad because they’re going to be so pissed off.
Joanna Lilley (21:09.658): Yeah, I think the one thing I would add here is that it’s not just about parents going out and having fun for themselves. The lesson here is that your child will realize you’re not available 24/7 to help them. So, let’s say you're playing pickleball with friends and away from your phone for three hours, and your kid is blowing up your phone because they needed you during that time. Well, you weren’t there to soothe them or provide whatever information they needed, so they had to figure it out on their own. That’s a great life lesson for them. Hopefully, it wasn’t an emergency, but it teaches them how to self-soothe. If your number-one lifeline is no longer available to them, they have to figure it out, brainstorm, critically think. They’re learning how to be interdependent, not just dependent. It’s an important skill for young adults.
Dr. Cam (22:31.251): Yeah, I think that’s an essential message for parents. One thing I’ve noticed with my own daughter is that when I’m in the vicinity, she regresses into this little kid who depends on mommy. But when I remove myself from the situation, she handles it just fine. She doesn’t regress, and she steps up, feeling like the adult. There’s not only the idea of removing yourself so they need to figure it out, but also removing yourself so they don’t fall into that "mommy, you take care of it" mode, which is very instinctual to do, right? When they start succeeding and figuring things out on their own, that’s where their confidence and resilience build because now they know they can handle it. That’s so cool.
What else do we need to know as parents of kids who are becoming of age and legal? Where does our responsibility start to shift, and where does it stop at this point?
Joanna Lilley (23:45.178): I think the priority area where I still see a lot of parental involvement is with insurance. Since many insurance policies allow young adults to stay on their parent’s insurance until age 26, there’s an extended period of care that just exists. Does that mean every 18-year-old should wait until they’re 26 to find a full-time job? Absolutely not. But that lifeline exists. I see parents having a hard time letting go of this. For example, in medical care, mental health care, or anything covered under insurance, I see parents really struggling to let go. But everything else depends on the family situation. It depends on the parents, the young adult, where they are geographically, and culturally what the family believes an 18-year-old should be doing—whether it’s living at home, going to college, or working full-time. That varies. But the one thing I see parents really holding onto, no pun intended, is insurance.
Dr. Cam (25:05.299): Yeah, that’s a big one. It’s tough when you’re paying for it, and you don’t want them making decisions that will increase costs. But maybe that becomes a consequence instead—if they make decisions that increase the costs, they’ll have to cover the difference. It’s hard because we often have this clear vision of what our kids should or shouldn’t be doing, and we try to control that, but it’s not ours to control. That’s really difficult for us to accept. They are completely different human beings with their own path. I always ask parents, How would you feel if your parents were still telling you daily what you should or shouldn’t do? We wouldn’t like it. At all.
Joanna Lilley (25:55.994): Hahaha
Dr. Cam (26:01.619): Alright, what’s one big takeaway you want parents to have from this episode, Joanna?
Joanna Lilley (26:09.306): The biggest takeaway is to not let the 18th birthday drive fear and worry. It’s just a date. Let it come, let it go, but prepare ahead of time so that date doesn’t create animosity or fear. Don’t give space to it.
Dr. Cam (26:38.611): I love that. And I think adding to that, it’s important to talk to your teen about their expectations when they turn 18 to see if you’re on the same page. That way, you can get to that stage together instead of both landing there and thinking, We are so far apart right now.
How can people find you, Joanna?
Joanna Lilley (27:03.546): The best way is on my website, www.lillyconsulting.com. You can also check me out as a host on the podcast, Success is Subjective.
Dr. Cam (27:14.931): I love it. I was on it—great podcast. Joanna, thanks so much for joining us today. I really appreciate you.
Joanna Lilley (27:23.162): Thanks again for having me!
 
About the Show:
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #TeensTurning18

The Balancing Act: Nurturing Teens While Letting Go with Esther Joy Goetz

Parenting teens is a tricky balancing act—nurturing your child while letting them go. Every parent hopes their teen grows into a confident, capable adult who makes good choices and chases their dreams. But there's always the fear of them making big mistakes or getting hurt along the way. Esther Joy Goetz, author, speaker, and the force behind the popular Moms of Bigs social media community, is here to help us navigate this challenge. 
Esther's insights will empower you to find that balance between nurturing and letting go, while focusing on long-term, healthy relationships with your teens. She’ll also share what inspired her to create the Moms of Bigs community—a lifeline for moms of teens and young adults who are facing similar struggles.
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE• How to create a safe space that allows your teen to explore their individuality• Why healthy boundaries are key to building trust and respect• How to balance nurturing with letting go while maintaining a strong connection• Tips for connecting with your teen without expectations or pressure
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Creating a Safe Space – Give your teen the freedom to grow into themselves by providing a space where they can explore and make mistakes.
Healthy Boundaries are Essential – Establish boundaries that allow both you and your teen to feel respected, loved, and valued without overstepping.
Trust Without Expectations – Focus on connecting with your teen in an authentic way, free from strings or expectations, to build trust and open communication.
Respect in the Parent-Teen Relationship – Modeling respect, being seen, heard, and valued are vital for a thriving parent-child dynamic.
Long-Term Relationship Building – It's not just about today. Building a lasting, healthy relationship with your teen is key for their emotional growth and your connection as they become adults.
 
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Esther’s eBook: Moms Never Stop Momming (Get 20% off when you sign up for her newsletter!)
 
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
00:00 Introduction and Inspiration for Moms of Bigs
05:34 Navigating the Balance Between Nurturing and Letting Go
09:03 The Fear of Letting Go and Loss of Control
13:06 Creating a Safe Space and Setting Healthy Boundaries
23:12 Being the Bad Guy and Building Trust
28:41 Key Takeaways and Action Steps
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Esther Joy Goetz
Website: Moms of Bigs
Instagram: @momsofbigs
Facebook: @momsofbigs
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam (00:01.297) Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. As parents, we hope our kids grow up confident and capable. We want them to make good choices and chase their dreams, but we’re also worried they’ll make big mistakes or even get hurt. That’s why I’m so excited to have Esther Joy Goetz here today. Esther is an author, speaker, and the force behind the popular Moms of Bigs social media community. She’s here to help us find that balance between nurturing our teens and letting them go. Esther, welcome to the show.
Esther Joy Goetz (00:32.526) Thank you. I’m so excited to be here. And just when you said that, I thought, hmm, that’s the tricky tightrope of parenting teens.
Dr. Cam (00:42.353) It really, really is. Let’s start with a quick backstory. What inspired you to launch Moms of Bigs?
Esther Joy Goetz (00:52.942) Well, my daughter said to me, “Mom, you need to...” She’s so funny; she thinks that I have some wisdom. What really happened was, when she graduated high school, she said, “Mom, there are so many people out there that really don’t know how to do the mom gig well, especially moms of teens.” How can they know? I thought, well, I don’t know if I’m the answer to that, but I had two older friends who guided me along and continue to guide me. I realized there was nothing out there on social media for this stage—nothing. I couldn’t find a thing. I thought, “Why don’t I give out what I actually need?”
A lot of times, our passion is born from what we needed. There’s plenty of advice on breastfeeding and how to handle toddlers, but once they hit the teen years, it’s sparse. Or it feels very formulaic—“Do these three things, and you’ll have a magic relationship with your teen.” I was like, “Yeah, I know.” I felt like my teens were some of my greatest teachers, and that’s the posture I wanted to take. Plus, all the mom emotions. You mentioned the big one—fear. No one was really talking about what to do with those emotions in the meantime. That’s really where I focused—on those motherhood emotions.
Dr. Cam (03:03.665) I think that’s so important. I was finding the same thing. When parents are new, it feels comfortable to ask for advice. You go to a baby shower and people offer advice. But once you have teens, you feel like you should know, but it’s a whole new skill set. Plus, a whole new emotional package we don’t even know how to deal with. Fear and worry, I think, are two of the biggest ones. Is that what you’re seeing as well? Guilt—my goodness.
Esther Joy Goetz (03:41.07) Guilt, fear, worry—and I think grief and sadness. Those are the three uncomfortable emotions. We have more comfortable ones too, like joy—watching them become their own people, having exciting conversations, and celebrating things like their sports achievements or academic success. But the uncomfortable emotions, like the letting-go process and anticipatory grief, come into play a lot. And I think with fear, it’s the loss of control.
When they’re young, you think you can control them. But once they hit the teen years, the illusion of control disappears. You’re left with fear and worry.
Dr. Cam (04:49.521) Yeah, I see this now with parents, especially with technology—GPS, tracking apps, all these things. Parents send their kids off to high school or college, but they’re still micromanaging, tracking everything. It’s all driven by fear and worry. How do we make sure our kids have the freedom they need? Because I think that’s where the biggest conflict comes from—parents holding on too tight. How do we navigate the balance between keeping them safe and giving them the freedom to experience life?
Esther Joy Goetz (05:34.798) The good news is we don’t have to give blanket freedom immediately. We’ve been giving them little bits of freedom all along. When you experience that pushback, there needs to be a conversation with your child. Communication is key during the teenage years. They need to be part of the conversation, and they have a massive voice in their own life.
My tagline is giving our kids the roots of unconditional love and the wings of freedom to be completely themselves. And the safety aspect—it’s something we have to come to grips with. Can we keep them “safe”? What does that even mean? You can keep them physically safe, but they could still be emotionally crippled. If we focus only on physical safety, we emotionally stunt them. My kids have told me this: “You’re emotionally stunting me. I can’t even make a mistake or figure out what I like or don’t like.”
There are different kinds of safety we’re talking about here. My job is to be a safe space for them.
Dr. Cam (07:23.825) What does that mean?
Esther Joy Goetz (07:26.158) My job as a mom is to create a safe space. That means I create a physically safe home—no abuse, no bullying, no judgment. There’s empathy. It’s a place of unconditional love, no strings attached. That’s the “roots of unconditional love.”
If I’m a safe space, I’m creating a soft place for them to land. But there’s also that idea I love where it says, “Ships are not made to stay in the harbor. Ships are made to go out—sometimes into beautiful waters, sometimes into treacherous ones. But the design of the ship is to manage all of that. They’re not designed to stay safe in the harbor.”
 
Dr. Cam (08:35.505) Right. They wouldn't have much of a life if their job is to make sure we feel that they're safe. If their job is to protect us from our fear and worry, that stunts them. I see that a lot without parents realizing it. The kids push back really hard, and parents see that as disrespect when, in truth, the parents aren't really respecting the kids' individuality. That's a tough one.
Esther Joy Goetz (09:05.838) You said something key there: we are responsible for our own emotions. They are not responsible for ours. One of the interesting things that happened with my son, a senior, was that he didn’t want a curfew. I said to him, "Look, I'm afraid when you're out past midnight. I own that—you're not responsible for that, but I have to get up and go to work." Part of living here means this is going to be a conversation we have back and forth. It's about respecting me and the stage I’m in—I'm not there yet. I haven’t fully let go and allowed you to just run around the world. I want you to know the emotions I'm experiencing—you're not responsible for those, but I'm dealing with them myself, in fits and starts. For now, when you're in high school, we’d like you to come home by midnight. If there are any issues surrounding that, just communicate with us the same way I would if I wasn’t going to show up when I said I would. So we navigated my emotions and their freedom at the same time, but I never said, “You are responsible for me not being afraid."
Dr. Cam (10:28.593) Yeah, and I don't think we even say it. I think we just assume it or do it. We make decisions and choices without realizing it, to protect our own fear, not thinking about the bigger picture and how that impacts our kids. Now, there are two extremes I see a lot. There are people who say, "Are we just supposed to let them do whatever they want?"
Esther Joy Goetz (10:29.294) Never.
Dr. Cam (10:55.825) And not guide them at all? Then I hear others say, “We’re being too soft on our kids, and that’s the problem with kids today.” I hear that all the time. So, when people say, “Do we just let them do whatever they want?” What do you have to say to that?
Esther Joy Goetz (11:16.462) We had a conversation about boundaries, healthy boundaries in the house. There were things related to chores, finances, and respecting the fact that I have emotions, but respect goes both ways. I respect the pushback. The most fun experience I had was with my daughter, my oldest. She is super compliant—she came out wanting to please us. That’s just who she was. She didn’t do much of the pushback. She’s naturally empathetic—always asking, "How’s mommy feeling?" I remember her coming to me her senior year and saying, "Hey, our entire senior class is going to midnight movies, and I’m going to go, no matter what you say." I literally thought, “Come over here and high-five me right now!” I was so happy that she was doing the normal pushback.
So, you’re going to have all kinds of kids. Some will push back on everything you say, and it’s exhausting. Others will naturally want to please you. Then there’s everything in between. These constant conversations about what they really need versus what you need are important. We’re all allowed to have needs in a home. No, letting them do whatever they want is not healthy. Healthy boundaries are where I can love you and myself simultaneously. You don’t just get to be a slob and leave dishes everywhere in the common area. But guess what? I’ll never come into your room.
We have common space that everyone must respect. But your room, or section of the room—if you share with a sibling—is your responsibility. We had two boys who shared a room, and they had their own sections they couldn’t invade. It's not about all-or-nothing thinking. That’s devastating for parenting teens.
Dr. Cam (13:29.809) Yeah, it definitely gets that pushback. Then there are people who say, “This is what's wrong with kids today. Parents are too open to listening to them, giving them a voice. We need to be parents and just tell them what it is.” I see a lot of pushback on social media, particularly from parents who believe that parents need to be more authoritative. They think that’s why kids are the way they are today.
Esther Joy Goetz (13:59.022) And friends less, I hear that too. Again, it goes back to all-or-nothing thinking. It’s either this or that. I would say one of the most important attributes we need is wisdom. It’s not going to be all this or all that, and it’s not going to be the same for every kid. There has to be some of both. I always say the “both-and” is much more important than the “either-or.”
We can have guidance and freedom. I can give unconditional love, with no strings attached, and I can also give them the wings of freedom. Freedom means no control. You can't have love and control. If you're trying to regulate your own fear, there’s a little voice inside saying, “Listen, you’re trying to regulate yourself by controlling them.” That’s different from, “Hey, this is a common space, and I’m not okay with this. I live here too, and the dishes can’t be left everywhere. I’m not cleaning up after you. You take care of your stuff, and I’ll never be on your back.”
But I also have to take care of myself and my stuff. I don't just get to go into your room and throw my things around. I wouldn’t throw my stuff in your head either.
Dr. Cam (15:38.513) I like that. Go a little deeper into what you mean by that.
Esther Joy Goetz (15:43.79) Yeah. There’s a sacred space, and kids are going through something Carl Jung calls "individuation." They’re trying to become themselves. We’re there to be ourselves, too. We can share our individuated selves, our healed selves, our whole selves with them. This is the ideal, of course.
That means we get to share our hopes, our dreams, and our interests. Maybe they’ll try on some of our hats and say, "Wow, I really like the Pittsburgh Steelers, because Dad shared his love for the Steelers." Or, "I like how Mom keeps everything organized. I want to do that in my room." But we don’t belong in their heads, telling them who to be, what to love, or who to love. That’s not ours to own. Their minds and hearts are theirs to figure out.
It doesn’t mean I can’t try on some of their hats, too. They’ve taught me so much. I never knew I loved a certain band, and then they showed it to me, and I thought, “Wow, this is great!” But they didn’t force me to listen to it all day long in the car. It’s about permission to explore together. I just love that.
Dr. Cam (17:18.097) Yeah, I think it’s so important. It’s very hard for parents to know where those boundaries are. I see a lot of overstepping into our teens’ boundaries, which is where the pushback, disrespect, and even dislike often come from. They feel violated when we try to change how they think and what they believe. It’s tough to separate what we’re doing to guide them as their parent—teaching them good manners, ethics, morals, and making good choices—and where it becomes overbearing, when we’re telling them what to do. How do we know when we’re stepping over that boundary?
Esther Joy Goetz (18:10.03) Right, and we are.
Yeah, the whole “should” word. I think we all have pushback against the word “should,” right? Our generation especially. We had that major pushback against the “shoulds.” It was like a stranglehold on us. We don’t want to raise our kids in a way where they have to heal from the “shoulds.” We want to provide an environment where the “shoulds” are off the table. There are certain moral ethics we abide by, of course—things like kindness, compassion, and justice. But I would say that happens by modeling. You want your kids to learn how to be respectful? Respect them.
A couple of Christmases ago, or maybe it was New Year’s Day, we asked our kids, “What do you think our three major takeaways were for you guys?” Believe it or not, they all had different answers based on their personal relationships with us, but all four of them said “respect.” We asked, “Why respect?” And they said, “Because from the time we were taught, all the way through, even as teens, you always respected us.” We didn’t even realize we were doing it. They felt like they always had a voice in vacations, that we listened to them. Of course, it wasn’t perfect, and I’ve had major mom fails still. But still, I love that. There’s that modeling piece. We just showed them respect and talked about it when they felt disrespected—by a coach, a teacher, a sibling, or even us. They were always allowed to tell us how they felt.
And we were there to listen, like, “Yeah, what made you feel disrespected? That doesn’t seem respectful for that teacher to talk to you like that. You don’t have to be treated that way.” It’s interesting, they always respected people who respected them.
Dr. Cam (19:29.745) We won’t tell which one you forgot about for a second.
Esther Joy Goetz (19:43.182) Right! They felt respected, even when we made tough decisions. Modeling it is key. You don’t learn integrity by talking about it. Kids learn integrity by seeing you do what you say. If you say you’ll pick them up at 8:00, and you do, that’s integrity. It’s more caught than taught, and that’s a lot of work on us as parents.
Dr. Cam (21:07.921) Yeah, absolutely. So if you're seeing something in your teen that concerns you, instead of trying to push them to change it, step back and think, “How can I change the way I’m showing up to model that better?”
Esther Joy Goetz (21:26.862) Right. Like you said earlier—parents need to be parents, but these kids today have taught me more than anyone in my life. It’s about being both a learner and a teacher. It’s not about authoritarian parenting. It’s not top-down.
Dr. Cam (21:29.329) That’s a big one.
Esther Joy Goetz (21:56.494) It’s about being side by side, where you have a voice, and I have a voice. We’re all in this together, learning and teaching from each other. But there are times when you have to be a parent. For example, if you’ve been on a family vacation and the last time we did this, you had a huge rager at our house—guess what? The house is locked. If you don’t want to come, we’re changing the garage code. You’re not welcome in the home we’re paying for. Sometimes you’re a parent, sometimes you’re a friend.
Dr. Cam (22:44.273) Right. I always find it interesting when people say we need to parent, they often mean we need to discipline, punish, and be the “bad guy.” I don’t know when parenting became equivalent to being the bad guy, because I’ve been a parent for 18 years, and I’ve never had to be the bad guy. I’ve had to say no, I’ve had to make tough decisions, but I’ve never been the bad guy. Why do we associate parenting with being the bad guy?
Esther Joy Goetz (23:01.838) I hate that, too.
Dr. Cam (23:12.305) Yeah, it’s puzzling.
Esther Joy Goetz (23:22.158) You just hit on a key word—connection. Brene Brown says, “Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued, when they can give and receive without judgment, and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” My goal is to have a long-term, healthy relationship with my kids—one based on connection, not fear, guilt, or shame.
If I keep that long-term goal in mind, I think about it like a crockpot, not a microwave.
Dr. Cam (24:18.033) I love it. That’s great.
Esther Joy Goetz (24:23.118) In those moments when I say no, the key isn’t the no. It’s the feeling of being seen, heard, and valued. When they feel that, they’re more likely to come to the same decision on their own. And even if they don’t agree with the decision, if they feel heard and respected, the no is easier to accept. So, long-term healthy relationships are what matter, and that won’t change as they leave the teen years. Eventually, you’re navigating adult-to-adult relationships. It’s all a learning process, and that’s okay.
Dr. Cam (25:15.697) It changes everything again. Yeah.
Esther Joy Goetz (25:23.278) If you keep that crockpot, not microwave mindset in your head, it really helps in those tough decisions—like when they want to go to a party, or they’re asking for the pill, or when they say they don’t want to go to church anymore. In those moments, you have to ask yourself, “Is this crockpot or microwave thinking?”
Think about your relationship with your parents.
Dr. Cam (25:54.385) Exactly. It’s funny because we often think it should be different for us and our kids, but really it’s not. When you have a connection, there’s a difference between not liking the decision and not liking you. When there’s no connection, anything negative becomes a reflection of their feelings toward us.
Esther Joy Goetz (25:59.534) When we have that connection, and there’s a difficult decision, they don’t trust the decision, they trust us. They might not like it, but they feel heard and respected, and that makes all the difference. That’s the real test of connection.
I also think parents should say yes as much as possible. Listen, hear them out, and say yes when you can. If you say yes more often, the no’s are easier to handle because they know you’re not just trying to control everything. When they ask if they can do something, instead of immediately saying no, I used to say, “When you’ve figured everything out, come back and we’ll talk about it.” And most of the time, their plans fell through anyway.
Dr. Cam (27:58.385) Yeah, and if your plan involves me, let me know, so I have a chance to say yes or no. I say yes to almost anything unless there’s a really big reason not to. I want my daughter to live her best life, and I don’t want to hold her back. It’s wonderful to see.
So, what’s the one thing you want parents to take away from today’s conversation? What’s the most important point?
Esther Joy Goetz (28:41.806) For me, it’s the crockpot, not microwave mindset. Long-term, healthy relationships are built step by step. When you make tough decisions, deal with your own fear in the moment so you can make wise decisions with your teen. Those little decisions accumulate over time, like a lovely meal at the end. This is a lifetime journey.
There are a million ways people try to control their kids, but ultimately, we’re in this for the long haul.
Dr. Cam (29:34.193) Yeah, exactly. I still know a lot of people my age who are complaining about their parents' control over them. I'm like, that's not a healthy relationship.
Esther Joy Goetz (29:41.454) Controlling... yeah, no, not a healthy relationship. So, think Crockpot, not microwave—that’s my one takeaway.
Dr. Cam (29:49.585) I love it. And what is one action item parents can do right after they listen to this episode?
Esther Joy Goetz (29:55.118) I would say find one way to connect with your kid without any strings attached. Don’t connect with them just so you can get something from them. Just connect. Write a note on their mirror reminding them that you're their biggest fan. My one son, every morning, I’d say, “Remember, I’m your biggest fan,” as he walked out to school. And even now, in his 20s, he says, “You know what, Mom? You’re my biggest fan.” And I’m like, yes.
It’s simple, just connecting without any agenda. If what I said about the “self-stuff” resonated with you, have a conversation. Tell them, “I heard this podcast today, and they said this and this. I was just wondering what you thought about it.” My favorite way to connect is sending random notes—texts, TikToks, whatever I can do—to say one thing I’m thankful for, whether it's about them, something they’ve done lately, or how they’ve made me feel. Not tied to anything specific. Not, “Thank you for the flowers on Mother’s Day,” just, “Thank you for being you.” That’s just one way to connect without any strings attached, without any “mom agenda.”
Dr. Cam (31:23.697) That means not getting mad if they don’t respond back. If you get mad that they didn’t respond, that shows strings.
Esther Joy Goetz (31:32.494) Exactly. No strings, one-way connection.
Dr. Cam (31:36.849) Yeah, that’s a hard one for a lot of parents because they think, “I do all this. I deserve this.” But it’s not your kid’s responsibility. It just isn’t. And when you keep doing it enough and building that connection, you get a lot of it in return. My daughter tells me every day, “You’re my biggest fan.” So it goes both ways, but it takes constant building and trust.
Esther Joy Goetz (31:57.912) Yes, exactly.
Dr. Cam (32:06.446) Esther, how can people find you?
Esther Joy Goetz (32:06.446) I’m on Instagram and Facebook as @MomsOfBiggs. My website is EstherJoyGoetz.com/moms-of-biggs, where I have all my resources. It’s a catch-all for everything I do, but you’ll find "Moms of Biggs" in the menu. I’ve written a book called Moms Never Stop Momming with a co-author. We also have a collaborative book coming out in the fall called Moms Never Stop Worrying and Being Brave at the Same Time, releasing in the fall of 2024. I also have a program called Roots and Wings for moms whose kids are transitioning to college, and it’s available for sale right now.
Dr. Cam (32:47.761) Excellent, we will put links everywhere in the show notes so people can find all of that. Esther, thank you so much for joining us today. This was fun.
Esther Joy Goetz (32:54.126) Thank you!
 
ABOUT THE SHOWThe Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam
#ParentingTeens #MomsOfBigs #Teenagers

Teen Hygiene SOS: Expert Skincare Tips for Teens from a Pediatric Dermatologist

Is your bathroom a battleground when it comes to your teenager’s hygiene? On one hand, we struggle to get our teen sons to simply wash their face, while on the other, we grapple with curbing our daughters’ complex beauty routines (seriously, are all those serums necessary?). That's why I’m thrilled to have Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness with us today!
Dr. Maguiness is a double board-certified pediatric dermatologist, a mom of two tween boys (so she gets it firsthand), and the co-founder of Stryke Club, a personal care and hygiene brand designed specifically for boys. Dr. Maguiness is here to help us navigate the often confusing and challenging world of teenage hygiene, giving us the tools to support our teens’ skincare routines and foster healthy habits.
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How teenagers' independence and busy schedules impact their hygiene habits
The essentials of a simple yet effective skincare routine for both boys and girls
Why parents should model skincare habits to help their teens adopt healthy habits
The truth about overcomplicating teen skincare, and how to simplify routines • How to use pimple patches to promote healing and prevent acne picking
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Teenagers often resist hygiene routines due to their desire for independence and packed schedules, so finding a balance is key.
Modeling good skincare habits and offering the right products is one of the most effective ways to help your teen maintain their hygiene.
For boys, a basic skincare routine involving a gentle cleanser, moisturizer, and sunscreen is all they need to keep their skin healthy.
For girls, it's important to avoid overcomplicating skincare—keep it simple with a gentle cleanser, moisturizer, and sunscreen.
Pimple patches can help teens avoid picking at their acne, promote healing, and are a helpful addition to any skincare routine.
 
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫
🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
FREE Guide: Dr. Cam’s 10 Pro Tips for Raising Teens
Stryke Club: Skin Care for Teens
Basic Skin Care Products for Teens:
Gentle cleanser (fragrance-free, hypoallergenic) like Cetaphil Face Wash
Facial Moisturizer (fragrance-free hypoallergenic, non-comedogenic) like Neutrogena Fragrance Free Daily Facial Moisturizer
Sunscreen (SPF 30 or greater)
Cleansing Wipes like Stryke Club’s Wipe Out
Extra Products That Won’t Harm Sensitive Teen Skin:
Hyaluronic Acid Serum like Cerave
Hypochlorous Acid Spray like Tower 28 SOS Daily Rescue Facial Spray for Sensitive Skin
Acne Skin Care Products:
Adapalene Treatment like Differin Acne Treatment Gel
Benzoyl Peroxide Acne Treatment Medication like Neutrogena Rapid Clear Stubborn Acne Spot
Hypochlorite-based cleanser like CeraVe Hydrating Facial Cleanser
Hydrochlorite patches like Mighty Patch™
 
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
00:00 Introduction and Background
02:53 Teenage Hygiene and Self-Care
08:21 Gender Differences in Skincare
14:41 Simplifying Skincare for Boys
25:21 The Benefits of Pimple Patches
29:47 Destigmatizing Skincare for Teens
 
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness
Website: Stryke Club
Instagram: @strykclub
Facebook: Stryke Club
Twitter: @DrSheilaghMD
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
FULL TRANSCRIPT
 
Dr. Cam (00:02.71) Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. Is your bathroom a battleground when it comes to your teenager's hygiene? On one hand, we struggle to get our teen sons to simply wash their face, while on the other, we grapple with curbing our daughters' complex beauty routines. Like seriously, are all those serums necessary? That's why I'm thrilled to have Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness with us today. Dr. Maguiness is a double board-certified pediatric dermatologist, a mom of two tween boys, so she understands the struggles firsthand, and the co-founder of Strike Club, a personal care and hygiene brand designed specifically for boys. Dr. Maguiness is here to help us navigate the often confusing and challenging world of teenage hygiene. Dr. Maguiness, welcome to the show.
Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (00:48.077) Thank you for having me, Dr. Cam. We have a lot to talk about today.
Dr. Cam (00:51.254) We do. So, I want to first get into the background. What inspired you to specialize in pediatric dermatology?
Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (01:01.853) I always knew that I wanted to work with children. I'm actually Canadian. I grew up in Toronto. When I was in medical school, I was fascinated with dermatology, pursued it, but knew kids were where it was at for me. I found a mentor in pediatric dermatology, which led me to San Francisco to do a fellowship at UCSF.
Then, I met my partner, and now we're in Minneapolis, where I have a large academic practice at the University of Minnesota. But yes, the skin of kids, I mean, what could be better? Baby skin all day, but not to discount the teens, because I love my adolescent patients too.
Dr. Cam (01:46.422) Talk about skin issues. That's when it all goes awry, isn't it?
Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (01:52.589) It is. All those surging hormones are changing everything, but the skin isn't quite fully mature yet. There’s lots to discuss, and it's a great conversation to have with your teen about hygiene and self-care to get those habits going early.
Dr. Cam (02:10.678) I want to talk about this because you have two tween boys. You're in the thick of it. Why do they not like hygiene? I’m brushing with broad strokes here, but really, why?
Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (02:21.677) My goodness. Teens are busy. They’re figuring things out and really want to assert their independence. Something you probably see a lot. Up until the age of six or even seven, it’s the parents telling them to take a bath, and helping them do it. The parents have control over the bathing routine. But suddenly, in those tween years, your child might skip a day or two because they have practice or are busy. Then, you say, "You need to take a shower tonight."
But then, your child disappears into the bathroom, and you wonder, are they really clean? What’s happening in there? We don’t know. And that’s the case for all tweens and teens. There’s just this general desire for independence.
But something interesting is happening. If you’ve been following the news lately, you’ll know that there's a growing trend where girls and boys are doing different things when it comes to skincare, hygiene, and self-care. I think these are topics we can really dig into today.
Dr. Cam (03:41.238) Yeah, I mean, teens... what I see, and again, I don’t want to stereotype, but I see this so frequently that I feel comfortable generalizing. Parents come in frustrated because they have to nag their sons to brush their teeth, wash their face, take a shower. They smell, and the only thing they do is spray body spray all over themselves, thinking that’s cleaning. So now we have sweat mixed with Axe body spray, and... then their skin starts to break out. I know there’s a push for independence, but there's also this battle between parents trying to help their kids stay clean and not smell ripe, and the kids just...
Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (04:14.605) And then a rash will start for sure.
Dr. Cam (04:35.51) It’s almost like they fight back about it. Can you help us understand that a little better and how we can encourage them to stay clean?
Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (04:45.837) I don’t think you’re stereotyping at all. This is something not only parents are noticing, but I’ve noticed it too in my own clinical practice. When kids come in with skin problems, and often it’s acne, the girls tend to be more compliant with treatments than the boys. So let’s unpack that a little bit.
What’s happening here? Well, let’s think about your own home and what’s being modeled. A lot of times, it’s the moms who have their own skincare routines—cleansers, moisturizers, makeup, grooming. There’s a lot of modeling that moms do regarding self-care, which kids, both boys and girls, pick up on.
But the girls, in particular, see this and start to understand it’s a normal, accepted behavior to care for your skin and hygiene. On the other hand, boys see their moms engaging in these self-care practices, but they may not see the same from their dads. There's a gap in what’s modeled for girls versus boys.
I think it’s a great opportunity for parents to step in and open a discussion about hygiene and self-care for boys. We need to give them the tools they need and show them what to do. There’s been some stigma surrounding boys and hygiene, like they’re just supposed to know how to take care of themselves. But if you step back, girls are seeing this modeled by their moms. Maybe moms and dads haven’t had that same conversation with their sons. That’s how I’ve been thinking about it in the last few years, as I’ve seen these trends emerging.
Dr. Cam (07:09.046) It makes so much sense. I mean, even just thinking about TikTok, you know, there are tons of TikTok creators showing makeup and skincare routines for girls. But I’ve never seen a single one for boys. That’s just not out there.
Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (07:25.581) Not really. There are some trends coming out, especially around fragrance. You mentioned Axe body spray. There’s this “smell maxing” trend, where boys really want to smell good and buy fancy colognes. But it’s a bit different from what we’re talking about.
I do think there’s interest. This is the selfie generation—the kids who grew up with social media, digital cameras everywhere, and phones in their pockets. So, on one hand, there’s all this content being created and consumed by girls. But the same doesn’t really exist for boys. They’re more interested than ever before, but there’s still something missing.
If you're a mom of teens, just go to your local retailer—whether it's Walmart or Target. Walk down the aisle, and what you’ll see is a sea of products marketed and packaged to appeal to young girls. They’re pink, orange, fruity, with scrubs and multiple steps. But when you look for something for your son, there’s much less. You’ll find products in the clinical aisle—dermatologist-recommended, clinical, or medicinal. Or worse, it’s like the OxyPads we had in the ‘80s and ‘90s. We’re a little behind the times, right?
So, that’s what we’re seeing in the retail world and on social media, and our kids are responding accordingly.
Dr. Cam (09:18.422) Yeah, it’s just not as cool for guys, and it's really important for girls. Now, help us understand what the bare minimum is for keeping our sons from getting acne and not smelling awful.
Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (09:39.309) Yes, I love this because we need to address it for all teens. Parents often ask me, “What’s the basic, healthy skincare regimen for a tween or teen?” So, let's break that down. This is for everyone—boys, girls, and even me.
Dr. Cam (09:56.214) Good, then we’ll talk about the overkill next.
Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (10:00.941) We can definitely touch on that, but at the very least, a tween needs to start washing their face. Studies show that just washing your face, removing dirt and debris once or twice daily, will help with complexion, breakouts, and acne. It removes oil and improves skin clarity. A gentle cleanser is a great start—fragrance-free, hypoallergenic, something that doesn’t strip or over-dry.
We’re not talking about products with beads, scrubs, or charcoal—those aren’t necessary. Just a gentle cleanser, 100%. Then, at nighttime, if needed, a moisturizer. If their skin’s a little dry after cleansing, a light moisturizer is great.
Again, I prefer products that are gentle. There aren’t many products formulated specifically for teen skin, but most can use a fragrance-free, hypoallergenic, non-comedogenic (non-acnegenic) moisturizer.
And always use sunscreen. It’s never too young to start using it. In the morning, an SPF 30 or greater is a great addition to their routine. That’s it. Those three things—the basics—are really all any teen needs for a healthy skincare routine.
Dr. Cam (12:12.182) I love that, and I think if we sit in there even a few times and do it with them and walk them through it—because they're not going to look at you and say, "I know what to do." They don’t. So I think it’s about walking through it, and if Dad can do it, that's great, right?
Sheilagh Maguiness (12:22.157) No, I had a funny story. My son went upstairs, very proud of himself, and said, "Mom, I used all the things you said." But he left it on—didn’t wash it off. He’s seen me do this multiple times! So yes, if you model it and show them how to do it, they’ll be more successful in following through on the steps.
It’s quite funny, especially with boys. If you don’t ask them, "Hey, did you just take a shower? Your hair doesn’t seem to have been washed," you might be surprised to find out they haven’t washed their hair or they’re using the shampoo head to toe, all over their face. That can be really irritating. You just don’t know what they’re doing. So ask the questions, make it fun, and talk about it in an encouraging, inquisitive way. It’s a nice opportunity to connect with your tween or teen, I think.
Dr. Cam (13:27.062) Right, laughing at or shaming them or saying, "That’s so silly," is embarrassing to them because they’re learning.
Sheilagh Maguiness (13:32.173) Exactly. It's really embarrassing for them. For boys, they may think that a skincare regimen is embarrassing. But we have to remove that. We need to do a better job, both in our homes and in society, of destigmatizing self-care and embracing it. Celebrating it. Because what's better than a 12-year-old who brushes their teeth, washes their face, and uses sunscreen? That’s amazing! You’re establishing habits that will serve them for the rest of their life. It’s an amazing thing.
Dr. Cam (14:07.766) Yeah, and I think making it super easy and clear will help reduce some of that nagging. We nag because they go in there not even knowing what to do sometimes. They don’t want to do it, and if it’s too complicated, they won’t do it.
Sheilagh Maguiness (14:24.941) Yes, keeping it basic at the beginning is key. You just need a daily shower or bath, a face cleanser, body cleanser, moisturizer, and sunscreen. That’s it. You're done.
Dr. Cam (14:40.822) You’re done! So, let's talk about the other extreme. We’ve got the Sephora kids—the Sephora girls. I mean, I have a teen daughter, and she’s the one now teaching me what to use. My skincare routine is so much better now that I have a teenager telling me what I’m supposed to do, because she was right. She knows all the brands. Now, we’ve got girls—12 years old—with tons of serums, lotions, all this stuff.
Sheilagh Maguiness (14:44.301) Ha ha. 100%.
Dr. Cam (15:11.574) Do they need it? Is it okay or good for them to be using all that stuff?
Sheilagh Maguiness (15:19.085) Well, yes, this trend of expensive, complicated, and cumbersome skincare has really been pushed on social media. Kids see celebrities posting complicated TikTok videos and they want to emulate them. That’s the trend. And as you mentioned, it’s the "Sephora baby" trend. Tweens are storming Sephora and Ulta Beauty, making their parents spend all this money on products that may or may not be good for their skin.
Let's break it down. No tween or teen needs harsh acid exfoliants, retinol, tons of toners, or masks that could irritate their developing skin. Our skin barrier is fragile. If you scrub it too much and put on ingredients that act like acids and cause even a tiny chemical burn, you can damage the skin barrier and create other issues. Not only will it feel uncomfortable, but it can look red, lead to allergic or irritant contact dermatitis, and even cause hyperpigmentation in children of color. We don't want that. It can also make acne worse.
So, really, the basics still apply: a cleanser, a moisturizer, and sunscreen. If they want to splurge on a good sunscreen, go for it. That’s always a great splurge. If you're at Sephora, yes, say yes to a good cleanser and sunscreen. A toner is okay, but be mindful of irritation, especially products that are scented or have essential oils.
Sheilagh Maguiness (17:43.757) I hope this craze dies down soon, both as a mom and a doctor. But there are companies targeting teen girls with flashy packaging. I’ve seen it firsthand.
Dr. Cam (18:00.214) And the celebrities—all these new celebrity brands. It’s such a big deal, and it’s geared toward younger kids because adults don’t need it. We don’t.
Sheilagh Maguiness (18:14.925) Nope, we’re not the consumers anymore. They're turning their attention to our tweens and teens, hoping they’ll keep using these products. I’ve seen a lot of young girls in my practice come in with bags full of products. We go through them because many of these products don’t go well with treatments we need for things like eczema, psoriasis, or acne. But these kids are invited to sleepovers where they’re doing all these masks and facials.
We need to educate them to gravitate toward products that are gentle, fragrance-free, and non-comedogenic, especially if they have acne. There are active ingredients that can help with skin concerns, but most teens don’t have major concerns like wrinkles and fine lines. Most of the time, if they have a concern, it’s acne.
Dr. Cam (19:28.318) That’s for us! No one needs it except us. But girls will want it because it's in the culture, and their friends are going to want the fancy stuff. One thought is to get the basic products and put them in fancy bottles or containers, so they feel special.
Sheilagh Maguiness (19:50.573) I love that idea. There are some great jars now—many are more sustainable. A glass jar or something reusable is a great investment.
Dr. Cam (20:02.134) Because they’ll feel special. What else is okay for teens who want to do something more complicated, to feel part of the culture?
Sheilagh Maguiness (20:31.821) There are great serums out there, many containing hyaluronic acid, which is a great ingredient. I don’t think you can go wrong with a serum that’s mostly hyaluronic acid. It’s a humectant—it draws water in. It’s great to use under a moisturizer.
Dr. Cam (20:55.542) Okay, so that’s a good extra.
Sheilagh Maguiness (20:57.549) It is! Another ingredient that’s gained popularity in the last few years is hypochlorous acid. Have you heard of it? It’s antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory. You can spritz it on your face or throw it in your gym bag and use it as a cleanser. It acts like a toner and is really safe. Even if they get it in their eye, it won’t sting or burn.
It’s a great option, like a toner with hypochlorous acid. Some brands carry it, like Tower in a red bottle, or SOS Recovery Sprays. These sprays are fantastic multitaskers because you can use them for skin, cuts, and scrapes.
Dr. Cam (22:02.198) Can you share one or two of those brands?
Sheilagh Maguiness (22:23.501) A lot of people don’t know about it, so it’s a great little gem and safe for tweens and teens.
Dr. Cam (22:30.038) I love that. Let’s say our kids are getting acne, which is common. How can we help them treat it without making it worse, like over-scrubbing or using irritating products?
Sheilagh Maguiness (22:47.725) Absolutely! If your child is starting to get acne, first, look at the type of acne. Is it red pimples with pus bumps in the middle (inflammatory acne)? Or is it more like blackheads or little comedones under the skin (non-inflammatory)? You may need to treat them differently.
For early acne, if it's comedonal—those bumps under the skin—a good start is a gentle cleanser with 1-2% salicylic acid. Salicylic acid helps break up the bonds between skin cells and clears pores.
Another option is adapalene, a topical retinoid, available under the brand Differin. It’s gentle and works well for preventing and treating acne. But be careful—it can be irritating. Start with a pea-sized amount and use it twice a week, then gradually increase. You can use it on the face, chest, and back.
For inflammatory acne, things like benzoyl peroxide, hypochlorous acid spray, or a sodium hypochlorite-based cleanser can help too.
Dr. Cam (25:09.622): Yeah, those are great to have, and we'll put all of those in there. I was gonna ask, because the thing that I see a lot, my daughter uses, I've used, are the little pimple patches. What are your thoughts on those?
Sheilagh Maguiness (25:21.389): Love them. In fact, I wish they had been my idea because I think they're great. The pimple patches do vary though. So for all those listening, just please make sure you use a plain pimple patch, not one with multiple active ingredients or the tiny little ones with a sharper needle-like base. They claim to deliver active ingredients, but I don’t think that's been studied or proven.
The hydrocolloid patches, those little pimple patches, are all very similar. They’re hydrocolloid dressings that help with wound healing. More importantly, they keep fingers off the acne, which helps prevent picking. And that is key, because we don’t want people picking at their acne for fear they might end up with a scar.
Dr. Cam (26:13.142): Yeah, and that's hard not to do, I think, a lot of times. Just stick it on there. Yeah, those are the best. Okay, that’s good to know.
Sheilagh Maguiness (26:15.885): So hard. That’s why you slap a pimple patch on and go out the door. I really love that people are doing them in different colors now, normalizing acne. 95% of teens are going to get acne—it’s okay. You can put a pimple patch on and go about your day.
Dr. Cam (26:31.094): They put colors on and just go like it’s so normal now. It’s interesting. Yeah, that’s great. Okay, so we’ve got simplifying and making it very basic for the boys and showing them how to do it. Simplifying, but maybe fancying it up for the girls and being very cognizant of what we’re allowing on their face. Because a lot of the products they’re putting on their face could actually cause damage.
Sheilagh Maguiness (26:58.669): Yes, 100%.
Dr. Cam (27:00.47): So what is the main, like the one main thing you want parents to walk away with from this session or from this interview?
Sheilagh Maguiness (27:09.293): I don’t want them to feel frustrated with all this skincare craze going on right now. I want to remind everyone that taking great care of your skin for tweens and teens doesn’t have to be expensive, doesn’t have to be cumbersome or multi-step. You can break it down into the advice I’ve given. It doesn’t need to be any of those things. It can be really approachable, fun, and a nice bonding moment for families.
For teens and their parents to go to the store and let them help you pick it out—let them have a say in what they’re choosing.
Dr. Cam (27:45.462): Now that you said that, I have a question. What if our child refuses to clean their face? It becomes this ongoing battle. How worried should we be, or how long can they go before we should get really worried?
Sheilagh Maguiness (28:04.205): I mean, if their face looks really dirty or if it’s starting to sprout acne, you probably should arm them with the tools they need. But you know what? Kids are busy, and I love wipes for this particular reason. I actually formulated my own wipes with the Strike Club. I love them because you can take them on the go—no sink needed. You take them out after sports, athletics, whatever you’re doing, wipe down your face, and even wipe down your equipment.
You can even wipe under your underarms with something like that to clean. I feel like wipes resonate more with our busy teens, our active teens, and our boys too. It’s really helpful to throw them in the gym bag—you're one and done. Wipe off and you’re good.
Dr. Cam (28:53.334): That’s a great idea. I can see that even in the bathroom. Just be like, “If nothing else, just use the wipe. If you don’t have time and you need to get back to gaming, just use the wipe.” Okay. So Dr. Maguiness, how can people find you?
Sheilagh Maguiness (29:03.725): Exactly. Yeah, I think it’s a really nice tool. I’ve ventured a little into social media, and you can find me on both Instagram and TikTok, where I post educational content, mainly for parents.
Dr. Cam (29:21.366): I love that. Okay, and what are you on TikTok?
Sheilagh Maguiness (29:24.045): Sorry, on TikTok, it’s @DrSheilagh (my name is spelled the Irish way, with a G-H at the end), and on Instagram, I’m @doctor.sheila.
Dr. Cam (29:34.358): Okay, I’ll put all that information in the show notes as well. This is great. This was helpful for me too. I’ve learned a lot. Thank you so much for joining us.
Sheilagh Maguiness (29:36.749): Thank you! I hope so. Great. Thanks so much for having me. It’s been so fun to talk about all these fun current issues. 
 
 
ABOUT THE SHOWThe Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam 
 
#teenagehygiene #skincareforteens

Resilient Teens: Helping Your Teen Overcome Adversity with Jesse LeBeau

Teen resilience is more important than ever. Between social anxieties, academic pressures, and the complexities of friendships, many teens struggle to navigate life’s challenges. That’s why I’m thrilled to welcome Jesse LeBeau, a nationally recognized youth motivational speaker and teen coach. With his powerful underdog story and proven methods, Jesse has inspired over a million teens to develop confidence, resilience, and a winning mindset. In this episode, he shares his game-changing approach—The Attitude Advantage—to help teens conquer adversity and thrive.
 
Key Takeaways
Building self-esteem and confidence is essential for teens to overcome challenges.
Setting boundaries and limiting screen time can reduce the negative effects of social media on mental health.
Parents should prepare their teens for real-world struggles by allowing them to experience failure and growth.
Finding a mentor can provide teens with valuable guidance and support.
 
Enjoying the Show?
Help others discover this episode by leaving a rating and review! Your feedback means the world to me and allows us to bring even more valuable insights to parents like you. Don’t forget to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 
 
Connect with Jesse LeBeau
Website: www.jesselebeau.com
Instagram: @jesselebeau
Facebook: Jesse LeBeau
YouTube: Jesse LeBeau Channel
LinkedIn: Jesse LeBeau
 
Connect with Dr. Cam
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
About the Show:
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive.
 
#TeenResilience #ConfidenceMatters #OvercomingAdversity #TeenMotivation #ParentingTeens #TheAttitudeAdvantage #RaisingResilientTeens #TeenSuccess #JesseLeBeau #TeenEmpowerment #GrowthMindset #MentalStrength #LifeSkillsForTeens #BuildingConfidence #TheTeenTranslator #DrCamCaswell

Protecting Teens from Diet Culture: How to Foster Positive Body Image & Healthy Habits

Did you know that 20% of adolescents in the U.S. experience symptoms of body dysmorphia or eating disorders? The pressure to achieve unrealistic beauty standards is stronger than ever, thanks to social media and diet culture. As a parent, you want to protect your teen from these harmful influences—but how?
In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Dr. Kelli Rugless, a licensed psychologist, certified eating disorders specialist, and the Chief Clinical Officer at Project HEAL, a non-profit dedicated to making eating disorder treatment accessible to all. Together, they uncover the dangers of diet culture, the role of social media, and how parents can support their teens in developing a healthy relationship with food and their bodies.
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How diet culture and social media impact teens' body image and mental health
Practical strategies to help your teen build a positive relationship with food
The truth about emotional eating—and why it’s not always bad
How parental support can make a powerful difference in preventing eating disorders
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Social media plays a huge role in shaping teens' body image, often fueling insecurities and unrealistic beauty standards.
Teaching your teen to have a balanced, non-restrictive approach to food can help prevent disordered eating patterns.
Emotional eating isn’t inherently harmful—understanding its role can help teens develop a healthier mindset around food.
Open conversations about body image and self-worth can empower your teen to reject toxic diet culture.
Your connection and support as a parent are critical in helping your teen build confidence and a healthy self-image.
 
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?
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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Project HEAL FREE clinical assessments
 
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
00:00 Introduction to the Impact of Diet Culture and Social Media on Teens
02:33 The Scary Impact of Social Media on Teen Self-Esteem
06:12 Addressing the Prominence of Diet Culture and Thin Ideals
10:41 Navigating Unhealthy Relationships with Food and Body Image
29:11 Understanding Emotional Eating and Coping Mechanisms
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Kelli Rugless
Website: https://www.drkellirugless.com
Instagram: @drkellirugless
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kelli-rugless-psyd
Project HEAL Website: https://www.theprojectheal.org
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
Newsletter: https://drcam.ck.page/newsletter
 
FULL TRANSCRIPT
 
Dr. Cam (00:00.454)Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. Today we're diving into a critical issue—the constant pressure of diet culture and its impact on our teens. Did you know a whopping 20% of adolescents in the U.S. experience symptoms of body dysmorphia or eating disorders? Is the unrealistic expectation bombarding them on social media to blame? Joining me to shed light on this topic is the amazing Dr. Kelli Rugless, a licensed psychologist, Certified Eating Disorder Specialist, and the Chief Clinical Officer at Project HEAL, a remarkable nonprofit fighting for everyone to have access to eating disorder healing. Dr. Rugless, welcome to the show.
Kelli Rugless, PsyD (00:40.369)Thank you for having me.
Dr. Cam (00:41.958)Absolutely. So let's start at the beginning. What inspired you to specialize in eating disorders?
Kelli Rugless, PsyD (00:48.049)Honestly, I was not inspired by anything. Truthfully, I went into graduate school thinking that eating disorders were the last thing I wanted to work with. I think they get a bad rap. My first introduction was a teacher talking about how people with eating disorders really don't get better, they're really difficult, and it's a really hard population to work with. I remember thinking, I don’t want to do that. So my first thought was absolutely not—I never want to do that.
But then, as part of my training, I had different rotations, and eating disorders were one of them. I began to see how much more they are about than just food. Food is what grabs everyone’s attention, but eating disorders are about so much more. Once I realized the different aspects they could involve—the intersection of mental health, physical health, and even social justice—it just felt like the perfect fit for me and my interests. So I wasn’t initially inspired, but once I had the experience, I saw the depth of it.
Dr. Cam (02:05.222)Right. And then all of a sudden, it just sounded way more interesting and complicated. And they can be helped, correct? Because that started off like—wait a second! Yeah, they can be helped.
One of the scariest things about social media—one of many—is the impact it has on our self-esteem, how we view our bodies, and how teens are growing up viewing their own bodies. I've seen this personally. I know a lot of parents are worried about this. First of all, is this something to be concerned about?
Kelli Rugless, PsyD (02:50.161)Yes, we should all be very much concerned about the impact social media is having—not only on teenagers and their confidence and body image but on their mental health in general. Every single research study out there looking at social media tells us the same thing: people feel worse the more they use it.
And it doesn’t matter how they use it. You could try to curate a page focused on positivity and growth, but the issue is that social media is a highlight reel presented as real life. You're only seeing the best parts of people's lives—or even the most curated parts of the bad moments. It’s a well-edited, well-produced version of vulnerability or sadness. It looks real, but it’s not.
This makes it easy to believe your life should look like everyone else's and that your body should look like theirs. Not only is that unhealthy, but it’s also unrealistic.
Dr. Cam (04:14.374)But here’s the thing, Kelli—social media isn’t going away, and our teens are not going to let go of it. It’s their entertainment, their social interaction, their connection to the world. So what do we do?
Kelli Rugless, PsyD (04:30.193)The best thing we can do is model the type of relationship we want our children to have with social media.
That means saying things like, I'm sure we're only getting half the story or I wonder what filters they used on that or We don’t see all of their life—just a small part. Keep reinforcing the idea that social media is entertainment, not reality.
You wouldn’t look at a movie and think, That’s how my life should go. You’d understand there are editors, production, and scripts involved. The same thing applies to social media, but because it feels organic, we forget all the mechanisms at play.
It’s also okay to set limits. Have house rules like no phones at dinner or no screens after a certain time when on vacation. These small boundaries help create a healthier relationship with social media. You’re not taking it away completely, but you are setting limits.
Dr. Cam (06:12.39)That’s so important—for us as well. Because while we’re worried about our kids, I see the impact on parents, too. Parents start comparing their kids to others.
Diet culture has always been a big deal, but now it's everywhere. Dangerous TikTok trends for losing weight are popping up constantly. How do we buffer against this diet-crazed, thin-is-best culture—especially when so many of us have already bought into it?
Kelli Rugless, PsyD (07:11.985)That’s a great point. As parents, the way we influence our kids most is through how we talk about ourselves.
You can tell your kids all day long that all bodies are beautiful, but if you’re looking in the mirror criticizing yourself, talking about needing to lose weight, or pointing out your flaws, that message will override everything else.
Work on your own relationship with your body. Acknowledge that your body’s appearance is the least interesting thing about you. Your value is inherent—not tied to how you look. And your body does so much for you. Even if there’s something you don’t like about it, balance that with gratitude for what it can do.
If you need to talk to someone to work through those things, it’s worth it. The impact on your kids, your family, and even your friends is huge.
Dr. Cam (09:16.614)That was something I was committed to from day one with my daughter—never talking about my body in a negative way in front of her. It’s a struggle, but I didn’t want her to have the same struggles.
Even with all of that, social media still bombards her with these messages. And sometimes, no matter how much we talk, what they see feels more real than what we say. So what else can we do?
[10:49.233] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: One thing we can do is stay curious. Instead of saying, "That’s bad for you—don’t watch that," ask them, "How does this make you feel?" Rather than jumping in to fix it, validate their experience. If they say, "It just makes me feel terrible," resist the urge to say, "No, you’re beautiful!" Instead, say, "I get that. If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way." When they’re ready for reassurance, that’s when you say, "But you are so much more than your appearance. I love this about you, your friends love that about you." Let them lead. Be there to listen first, and the influence will follow.
Our culture isn't right, but our goal is to talk to our kids and teenagers about the realities of accepting this really toxic culture that we live in, internalizing the messages, and what that can do—versus setting ourselves apart and actively trying to distance ourselves from the toxic aspects of our culture. Weight stigma is real.
People being afraid of gaining weight makes sense, right? Given the culture we live in—where there's discrimination against folks of different sizes—you can't get your clothes at the same store as your friends if you get above a certain size. If they do make it, it doesn't fit the same, the quality's different. There are real consequences to being in a larger body that people naturally want to avoid. It makes sense why they want to avoid that. However, it doesn't make weight stigma okay, right?
So what we're talking about is two types of discomfort. You can either be uncomfortable in the sense that you've internalized these toxic beliefs about weight and are forever on a hamster wheel trying to keep up with everyone, which is uncomfortable and really hard. Or you can be uncomfortable in the sense that you're separating yourself from the culture, which means you don't quite fit in. You're not talking about the same things, you're not getting on every new diet, you're not limiting the clothing you wear or saying, "I can only wear a one-piece because my body is this size." You're fully living the life you want to live in the body that you're in. And you might be on the outside of things, or you might get some dirty looks, or you might hear people saying rude things. No matter how you look at it, there's discomfort. It's going to be hard. The key is to pick your hard.
Which type of challenge do you want to take on? Which one is in alignment with your values and the kind of person you want to be as an adult? And that is the hard piece. It's a mature topic. It's a big, heavy decision. A lot of times, when I'm working with teenagers, one of the things they’ll mention to me is, "Why do I have to deal with this? All my other friends aren't talking about this. They're not thinking about this. Why am I thinking about it?" And I kind of commiserate with them and say, "I know. You're having to do some really heavy work really early. It will serve you. As you get older, you’ll be light years ahead of some folks. By the time you get to your 20s or 30s, you will have done this and figured out who you are outside of your appearance, and you'll be grateful. But right now, it is hard because the rest of your friends aren't dealing with this heaviness."
[19:41.126] Dr. Cam: Yeah. So what if they go into a really restrictive diet or develop a very unhealthy relationship with food and exercise because they’ve picked the "I don’t want to be different. I want to be thin and be like everyone I see in the world" route? Which, again, is not true. But what if they go that route and you're like, "I'm getting really scared about their health and their mindset about themselves because now they're obsessed with their weight"? I see kids that never feel good enough. I'll ask them, "What weight are you trying to get to?" or "How thin do you need to be?" and they don’t even have a goal. They just say, "Till I feel confident." And that’s dangerous because they won’t. So how do we handle that if we see our kids going down that path?
[20:29.137] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: That is the time to absolutely say something and do something—act quickly. Sometimes it can be tempting to let them grow out of it, to let them figure it out, or to avoid arguing with them. "I don’t want to create conflict, so I’m just going to let it be. I’m seeing some things I don’t like, and I’m just going to hope that things right themselves." With eating disorders, they thrive in isolation. The longer you let it go without saying something, the stronger it becomes and the harder it is to address.
When you see something, say something. Be loving, be kind, be warm, but be really clear about your concerns and act. Call a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Look up an eating disorder treatment center in your area to get an assessment. Act quickly and get professionals involved. Eating disorders require a team—many people working from different directions to help someone recover. The quicker you notice it and get help, the easier it is to address. Talk about it, ask questions, express your love and care, but be really firm about your desire to help them and your confidence that what you’re seeing is not okay.
[22:20.902] Dr. Cam: Now, I’ve had parents who—understandably, no judgment—force their kids to eat. They set consequences if they don’t eat, put a certain amount of food on their plate, or bribe them to eat. Is that a helpful method?
[22:39.185] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: It depends on where your child is, but it can be helpful. I’d say it’s most helpful under the guidance of a provider. If, as a parent, you're going to take on that role, make sure your teenager has a therapist to help them process how hard it is to be forced to eat when they’re really afraid of food or gaining weight. But the act of feeding your child and making food non-negotiable is a very important part of treatment and recovery. A malnourished brain cannot get better. It can’t do the work of figuring out the underlying causes of the eating disorder if it is not well-nourished.
Feeding your child and making it a priority is huge, but you also want to make sure they have the support they need. Food is not just food anymore—it’s really hard. The level of anxiety that those with eating disorders feel when forced to eat is through the roof. They need support, skills, and sometimes even medication. So make sure you provide as much support as you can through the re-feeding process.
Dr. Cam (29:27.75) Well, it's not as good as Doritos either, let's be real.
Kelli Rugless, PsyD (29:39.697) These black-and-white ideas about food—so that we can be more clear about what we feel like, what we actually want to eat versus what we feel driven to eat.
Dr. Cam (29:49.03) That is so important. And Kelli, it’s funny because I use that same philosophy with tech use: when we keep restricting it, they end up binging it and not having a healthy relationship with it. So I think this goes across anything. If you see your kids hoarding or having meltdowns or sneaking something, it’s not about hoarding or stopping it more. It’s about where we are already restricting to the point where they now have to get sneaky.
Kelli Rugless, PsyD (30:16.785) Yeah, absolutely. We need more opportunities to say yes, right? The more you say yes, the easier it is to say no. Because you feel like, "Well, I can tell myself if I can’t have it today, I can have it another day." If I can’t have my electronics on Monday, I know I’ll get them on Tuesday. So I can put it away because I know I can look forward to it. And the same goes with food.
Dr. Cam (30:39.462) Yeah, it is. And it’s all about developing a healthy relationship with it. I think that’s the biggest thing: How are we looking at it as something that gives us nutrients, energy, makes us feel good, and separating it from how we look? And that’s important.
Kelli Rugless, PsyD (31:00.817) Absolutely. The only other point I’ll make that I think is really important is I have a lot of parents talk to me about, "My kid is emotionally eating. Emotional eating is really bad. I don’t want them to do it." What I will say is, emotional eating is not bad. If you think about the things that we need to survive—water, air, food—food is the only one that can literally change, you know, it can increase a certain amount of neurotransmitters and change your mood.
So, it’s got a really valuable purpose. It’s our psychiatric medication. And when we don’t have access to it, that’s a good thing. You just want to make sure that’s not the only way your child is managing their emotions. If it’s one out of ten different things they do when they don’t feel good, that’s okay. We’re supposed to do that. That’s how humans have evolved. That’s what our relationship with food is supposed to be. It’s not just about fuel. But you want to make sure that your child also knows how to journal, meditate, put on some music to influence their mood, maybe get outside and get some sun. They need to know how to manage their emotions in a variety of ways, so they’re not overusing food as a tool for coping.
Dr. Cam (32:21.03) I’m very thankful you brought that up because yes, that is a big one I hear as well. And it is something that makes you think, "Are they just going to be a binger their whole life?" I think looking at it as a coping mechanism and digging into what they’re coping with is huge. And finding other ways is phenomenal. Kelli, what’s the one biggest takeaway you think is important for parents to have from this episode?
Kelli Rugless, PsyD (32:47.217) I hope parents take away this idea: Their children are okay. There are things out there that are really scary, and there are big concerns, right? We want to avoid eating disorders, we want to avoid negative body image, but by and large, your children are okay. And what they need more than anything else is a connection with you. If you are fostering that connection, you will be able to see what they’re struggling with from a mile away, and you’ll have built the necessary relationship to have the influence you need to help them. So, rather than focusing on these individual topics that are scary, I would always go back to building that connection with your children. Get to know them, do your best to enjoy them, so that you are naturally in a relationship with them. That way, you’ll see what they see, and you can address issues as they come up. Because that’s where our power is as parents: In our ability to connect with them.
Dr. Cam (33:48.774) It certainly is. And I think we focus a lot on the correction and the restriction, which tears apart our connection— the only thing that actually helps. So, I see that a lot. I love that. Kelli, how do people find you?
Kelli Rugless, PsyD (33:58.897) Yeah, it’s the connection and it’s the love. I’m on social media, although I’m not particularly active, but I am on social media at Dr. Kelli Rugless. I have my own practice, where I see parents, families, and adults for eating disorder and body image stuff, called Flir Psychology. I also work at Project Teal. Project Teal is an amazing nonprofit. If you or someone you know is concerned about having an eating disorder and maybe wants a free assessment, we offer free assessments. We provide treatment recommendations, connect you with providers in your area who specialize in eating disorders, offer cash assistance, and insurance navigation. We have a whole host of programs meant to help folks learn about eating disorders and recover at any stage. You can find me in those three areas.
Dr. Cam (35:01.222) I have a feeling a lot of people are thinking, "I need Project Teal. How do they find it?"
Kelli Rugless, PsyD (35:05.041) Yeah. You can go online at www.theprojectheal.org. That website has everything you need: resources, services, helpful information about eating disorders. It’s the website to visit.
Dr. Cam (35:21.254) I’ll put that link as well. Kelli, thank you so much for joining me today.
Kelli Rugless, PsyD (35:23.057) Thank you for having me.
 
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.
#theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #bodyimage #eatingdisorders

Could Your Teen Be at Risk of a Religious Cult? Red Flags & How to Protect Them—Insights from a Cult Survivorr

In this powerful episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Sarah Bruno-Patrey to discuss the far-reaching effects of religious trauma on teens and how parents can help them navigate these challenges. Sarah shares her personal story of growing up within a religious youth program and the healing journey she experienced. If your teen is grappling with religious trauma or a crisis of faith, this episode will provide you with the tools to better understand and support them through these tough times. It’s a must-listen for parents looking to create an open, supportive environment for their teens, especially when faith and identity are involved.
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How religious trauma impacts teens and how it can lead to feelings of isolation and shame
Practical ways to help your teen through a crisis of faith
How to recognize unhealthy religious experiences and protect your teen’s mental health
The importance of open communication, mentorship, and empowering your teen to make their own decisions about faith
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Religious trauma can leave teens feeling emotionally isolated, and it’s crucial to recognize the signs early to offer support.
Open communication is essential for helping your teen heal from religious trauma—letting them express their feelings is key.
Supporting your teen through a crisis of faith is about being present, not imposing beliefs, and offering a safe space.
Parents should focus on being mentors, helping teens navigate spiritual and emotional challenges without pressure.
Offering your teen options and autonomy during this process can help them find their own path to healing and self-discovery.
 
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫
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EPISODE CHAPTERS00:00 – The Impact of Religious Trauma on Teens03:34 – Recognizing Unhealthy Experiences in Religious Programs
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Sarah Bruno-Patrey
TikTok: @sarahbrunopatrey
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
FULL TRANSCRIPT
 
Dr. Cam
As parents, we want nothing more than our teens to find their path in life. For many, religion offers a sense of belonging and purpose. But what happens when it leaves our teens feeling isolated, ashamed, or questioning everything they believe? Today, I'm joined by Sarah Bruno -Patri to talk about the impact of religious trauma on teens and what parents can do to support them. But before we dive in, I want to share that Sarah and I have known each other for years, and actually through church but I only recently heard about her experiences with this particular religious program, actually through TikTok, and talked to her and asked her if she would jump on, because I feel like it's really important for us parents to be aware of what's going on. So Sarah, welcome to the show. Thank you. So let's talk about, first of all, what was your experience because you did this as a teenager. So what was kind of the experience or the motive to go into this particular program and what was that program?
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (00:59.19)
Yeah, so I grew up obviously in the church and it was an amazing, beautiful experience. And I knew after I graduated high school that college was not like in the cards for me, at least immediately. And so my parents and I decided that I could take a gap year and they would foot the bill and I can just go find a program and go do that as long as I had a plan. And so I had been exposed to this organization called Youth with a Mission (https://ywam.org/> when I was actually in high school, I went with a couple of classmates to Kona, Hawaii, two summers in a row. And so I kind of had a sense of what this organization was. I knew that it wasn't exactly how I had grown up in the church. It was a little bit different with its theology and things like that. And I was like, it's okay, I'll put those things aside. And I decided to go to Australia. So I went to literally the farthest place that I could go from Washington DC. If you drilled a hole through the earth, it would come out in Perth, Australia, or at least around there. And I just wanted to get out of our town. And so that's where I went. And I was there for six months. I spent three months of it in Perth, Australia and three months of it in Asia.
 Dr. Cam (02:16.742)
At that time, and I know through the teen years, I know church paid a big and religion played a big part in your life. What kind of role was that playing for you or what kind of place was that filling for you?
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (02:31.094)
It was just like the big sense of community for me. I feel like going through school, like I had different friend groups, but then once I really found my community in my church and like other youth ministry organizations, it was like, these are my people. I had the support that I needed as a teenager and I had like the adults around me that I needed as a teenager because teenagers need a lot of adults. And so that was just like, I spent all my time with my religious community. And it was a great thing up until that point. It was like an amazing part of my life. So.
Dr. Cam (03:06.278)
That's what's really clear about this. We're not saying like religious groups are bad, you know, and we did. I mean, I was one of your youth leaders and it was an amazing experience. And we were able to really just connect and talk to kids on a lot deeper level. So then it went to this next phase. And I think one of the things the question is, how do we know when it is a healthy experience and when it becomes a toxic experience?
Tell us a little bit about your experience there and when did you actually realize it might not be the healthiest experience for you.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (03:43.062)
Yeah, so like I said before, I kind of knew what I was getting into wasn't exactly like how I had been raised in the church. I knew that things would be a little bit different. But like for some reference of it, it's a six month initially to like join this organization. You have to do a six month program. The first three months that I was in Australia was the discipleship training school part of it. So it was like the lecture phase is what they called it. And so that was you're in a classroom all week.
And then you did the outreach, which was like the mission part. And it was pretty early on into it that I realized that this isn't, not only did I not like align with this in its theology, the things that I could kind of put aside, but just in like most aspects, it just wasn't a healthy organization. It was pretty like off the bat, a lot of comments about my faith and my spirituality growing up where I grew up that I didn't like see eye to eye was a lot bigger of a deal. And every week we had a topic and every Friday they called it like application Friday. So the first week was prayer. So we learned about prayer and then Friday we did something involving prayer like evangelism for example, we did Monday through Thursday we learned about evangelism on Friday we went out and evangelized. I think the big thing that sent sirens off in my head was the third week we did forgiveness and repentance. Where, you know, Monday through Thursday, we learned about sin and repentance and things that are biblical and good, like, you know, repenting from your sins, turning the other direction, walking away from it completely, things that are pretty standard. But then on Friday, when we had our application, we had to write a list of our sins down.
Dr. Cam (05:08.774)
Red flags, yes.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (05:38.134)
Things that spanned from yoga, which I don't believe is a sin. I have never believed it was a sin. I remember like going on the phone with my pastor from home. I was like, is yoga really a sin? And he's like, no, that's a little ridiculous. Playing Dungeons and Dragons, things like that. Yeah, all the way to like sexual sin, things like that. We had to write a list and then on Friday morning, we started in the morning, we had to sit next to a speaker.
Dr. Cam (05:41.446)
Yoga! My goodness.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (06:05.11)
We didn't really know in a classroom full of people that we've only known for a few weeks. And we actually combined with another classroom, so complete strangers at that point. And we had to sit up there, read our lists of sins, and then repent for it, ask for forgiveness from God. Again, things that are all biblical, if they're done correctly. So, you know, confessing to a friend, somebody you trust would be a very, like, good practice. But this was kind of distorted and sitting up there telling it to a group of people you didn't know, you didn't have like that relational currency with. Having to forgive for just crazy things and it lasted for 14 hours. We didn't, yeah, we didn't have, we missed our meals, everything. So that was when I was like, I'm not gonna just like sit here and do everything that they tell me to do. I am going to question some things and yeah, big red flags. they didn't like that. I didn't even want to participate in that particular activity. And I was kind of like getting the death stare from the leader at the time. He was standing right next to the door so he couldn't even like walk out. It's just a lot of very strategic things like that to kind of wear you down until you actually get up there and do it. And.
Dr. Cam (07:06.918)
How did that go over when you started to question things? No?
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (07:30.454)
the entire program I was questioning things and I was saying things that I believed about like even just topics like women in ministry, things like that. And it was always not reprimanded, like I would get in trouble, but it was definitely like, you need to just stop, like keep your mouth shut. Like this isn't your place, which I like to question things. So that is the question that I get a lot. And I think it's hard for people who look in from an outside perspective to understand why somebody would stay. But first of all, I was a teenager. I had built this up in my head of like, this is my gap year. I'm in Australia. I have this new sense of independence I didn't have at home. Not that my parents were strict looking back on it. Of course, I thought that they were the most strict people in the entire world. My parents had spent all this money, like I think like 10 grand for me to be there. I knew I could go home if I wanted to. My parents had the financial ability to get me home. I knew that, like that was just an option, but it also wasn't. They kind of made it seem like, well, everybody at home has moved on. You don't have a community at home anyways. I had friends there that couldn't get home financially for whatever reasons. I felt like I would be leaving them in the dust if I left. I also have a big sense of pride of like, I don't want to admit that this didn't go the way that I was expecting it to, the way that I had convinced my parents it would go. I think that's a hard lesson for any teenager to learn is to just swallow your pride if it means to keep yourself safe and, you know, but didn't do that. So, mm -hmm.
Dr. Cam (09:12.902)
You stayed and then did it ever, did you ever kind of change your idea about it or kind of warm up to what that experience was?
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (09:24.182)
Yes, it's like, it's a really weird, like, experience being there because it does become your entire world. And I knew that I wasn't seeing eye to eye with this organization as a whole. It had its issues, but these were like my friends now, my people. And I just kind of at some point was like, this is it. Like this is, I don't want to go to college still. Everybody at home. They've been telling that everybody at home has moved on they don't there will be nobody at home for me and we did have fun like there were some really fun parts and so it was just a lot of like you have tunnel vision while you're there and you're being love -bombed but also like Not you're also being worn down
Dr. Cam (10:14.054)
Sounds like a little bit of gaslighting too maybe.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (10:17.174)
There's a lot of gaslighting, yeah. I would definitely agree with that.
Dr. Cam (10:21.702)
When you're talking to your parents about it, how are you selling what's going on down there?
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (10:28.758)
So my parents and I had kind of like a complicated relationship before I had left. We didn't have like a huge like, we weren't super close in the way that I could be like, my gosh, like this is how I'm feeling. It was mostly like, this is what we're doing. And like, here's my friend that I've made. Like we're having fun. And then I think once I went on outreach was where I realized that my parents weren't the enemy. And like I did need them more than I thought I did, because I had some pretty bad experiences while I was not only in Australia, which is like America just far away, but I was in rural parts of Nepal and Indonesia. And like there were instances where I was like, I really wish I had my mom right now. And we didn't have Wi -Fi. We didn't have, I went like weeks without being able to talk to them. And so we just didn't have a huge like open line of communication. Even when I was in Australia, it was a 13 hour time difference. So communicating was tough as it was, but.
Dr. Cam (11:31.078)
So they had you isolated in there. And so you, when you, so then you came, you did come home after six months. And how was that transition?
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (11:39.03)
Mm -hmm. It was really hard. They don't prepare you to come home. And I think that that is a little strategic. It was interesting seeing that, like, yeah, my friends, obviously their life doesn't stop while they're back at home. You know, a lot of them are still in high school. And then just coming in, being like the outsider all of a sudden, it kind of like reinforced, I need to go back. I need to go where people are familiar.
And so there was no preparation on either end. I don't think my parents knew that they would have to prepare me. I think it was just like, you're home, like going to college or something. Yeah, exactly. So it was tough. And then my community just in general kind of fell apart. And then that's when like I had a mentor be like, you should really just give college a shot, just go. And that was nice because
Dr. Cam (12:19.462)
What's the difference?
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (12:37.814)
everybody's starting over in college. Nobody has that sense of community that I thought I was going to have when I came home or that was back in Australia.
Dr. Cam (12:46.726)
Were you able to share with that mentor what had been going on? I know you said you really weren't comfortable sharing with your parents at that time, but were you able to share with your mentor?
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (12:55.35)
So I had been in communication with him and his wife, probably more than my parents at that point while I was over there. So they were kind of clued in on a lot of stuff that was happening already. And they were very skeptical of the organization already because they had family members that were in it before. And so they kind of knew, and I think they were able to kind of redirect me a little bit better than my parents did because they had no experience with it.
And so it was a little bit easier to share that. But I think a lot of it I didn't realize was even that wrong until I went to college and I started talking to friends and sharing stories and even talking to friends that I had back in Australia when they moved home and we kind of like decompressed together and deconstructed like our experience. And we're like, wow, that was like in hindsight, hindsight's always 20, 20. That was not a good thing, that was not okay, it wasn't healthy. So being able to do that together was nice too.
Dr. Cam (14:01.926)
How do you think that's impacted you now? Now that you're like realizing this was not a great situation, how is that kind of feeding into how you're interacting with the world or just your thoughts of yourself right now even?
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (14:17.398)
Yeah, I think it's really easy to like look back and be like, my gosh, I was so stupid to like keep going to stay and like, you know, I have people, my TikTok comments being like, why didn't you lie? Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you do that X, Y, and Z? And I have to like give myself some grace because I was 18 years old. Like I was very young and just, yeah.
Dr. Cam (14:44.55)
I want to help parents understand because this is a specific situation, but it is, it relates to a lot of situations because we've got this sense of needing to find a place to belong. Right. And so that is enormously important for all humans, but particularly for a teenager, right. Finding that, sense of not having a voice because you are a teenager. Even though you're disagreeing, not feeling like you have that ability to stand up and also kind of not having the connection you needed at the time with your parents to be able to say, hey, we've got to change this. So you're kind of, there's kind of the sense of isolation. So how can parents or what can your parents do? Is there anything they could have done differently at that point or what could have helped at that point. And this is not blaming your parents at all, not even remotely, but I think this is more, again, 2020 hindsight, right? This is more telling parents, hey, here's some things to look out for or here's some things we can do now to hopefully prevent this from happening.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (15:44.502)
My parents did, I feel like, all the right things. They reached out to multiple people that had been in the organization. We had dinner with a family that their son had been a part of it for a while. And I think one of the things in hindsight is we got a lot of the male perspective from being in that organization, which I think going in as an 18 -year -old female is a lot different than a 20 -year -old male, you know? So just making sure, like, first of all, that is seeing eye to eye. Also, I think one thing that we could have done better was pinpointing why I wanted to go. For me, it wasn't so much the religious aspect that was just more convenient. It was the traveling. I wanted to get out. I wanted to travel. I wanted to be away from home. I think something that parents can do when kids come to them saying, I want to be a missionary or I want to be specifically in this organization is to be like, well, why do you want to do that? Do you want to travel? If so, there are so many organizations that you're able to travel. Because my parents would have never let me just go backpack through Europe by myself. Like that's just not, but there's different organizations. There's different ways to do that. If it is something where you want to serve, you want to volunteer, there's plenty of organizations that also do that.
Dr. Cam (17:07.91)
That sounds scary.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (17:22.358)
that are great and reputable and I have a whole list of them that aren't YWAM that I could... But if it is a religious thing, I think what is really important is to first recognize that serving locally in your local church or even going and interning at a church in a different state. Doing something that is serving your local community is going to be a lot more helpful to those communities than a white person going to Nepal and being like, Jesus is amazing. I think that, yeah, exactly. I think like, I mean, there's a lot of issues and the whole mission aspect of it too. But I think pinpointing exactly why your child, your teen wants to go and do a gap year, because college isn't for everyone right off the bat. And then finding different ways, having options and being like, of course you can't, 
Dr. Cam (17:53.958)
We relate to you so well.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (18:19.638)
At that point be like, you need to do this. I mean, you can, but if you want them to have the choice, you're like, here's your options, here's the pros and cons, and then go from there. Interview people, there's plenty of Facebook groups for different organizations. There's a lot that I'm in that are like survivors of YYM. So I think that that's probably a big red flag.
Dr. Cam (18:37.798)
Wow. Yeah, go research if there are a bunch of groups that are survivors of this, that might not be a good sign that that's the thing to do. When your mentor kind of talked you out of going back and going to school, what were some of the things that he said to you that parents might, because that's not an easy thing to do, especially if you've got that, like, I don't want to show that I was wrong.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (18:42.55)
Exactly. Yeah.
Dr. Cam (19:07.014)
I want to be independent. I don't want to show that I made a bad choice, even though you had no idea. So what can parents do at that point to say, okay, it's okay, how do we move forward?
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (19:22.294)
Yeah, I think a big thing for me was college was very accessible and I know that that's not like the case for everybody. One of the points he made was like, well, you're not paying for it. Like just go, just try it. Like what's the worst that could happen? And just, he never made me feel like I made a wrong decision by going and that like what I did was wrong or that I should feel any type of shame about it. It was just like here's a different opportunity and like, what do you have to lose by at least trying? Like give it, he said, just give it a semester. It was like, I had a start and an end date of like giving this and I went into that college, like ready to prove him wrong and be like, I told you I don't like it. And like, this isn't for me. And the exact opposite is what happened, but having like just a different option. And I mean, I'm really stubborn. So even having just the challenge of like, give it a try, like what's the worst that could happen? So if you do go back, if you're just gonna go back six months later than you expected, what's the difference? Mm -hmm.
Dr. Cam (20:24.07)
Right, let's try something different. I think there's so many good points there because it's not about forcing you, it's not about shaming or pointing out what you did wrong. It is about going, okay, that was your choice, here's why you did it, let's try something else. And that end date, so it's like, let's just give it a try, a go. And it's not like you're stuck doing and committed to that. Because I think sometimes kids go, “If I try it, then I'm committed to it for how, four years. And now if I don't want to do it. So I like that that was kind of that approach. And how did your parents feel about that approach? I'm sure they were. Yeah. So the other thing is having mentors for your kid that you trust. absolutely. And the thing is, he had spent years building that relationship with you too. They were thrilled. They were so relieved. Well he was the only one that I would have listened to, honestly.
Dr. Cam (21:15.718)
That makes a big difference as well as having that opportunity and having other people around that you trust because parents aren't going to be the first person kids go to and for many of the same reasons you didn't is because you just don't want to show that you're wrong because you're trying to be independent. And that's a hard thing to do. What are some signs that parents might be able to look for that you think that their kids are in an unhealthy situation.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (21:48.374)
Yeah, I think just like distance communication is a big thing. Like I said, like my parents and I weren't super close at this point. So like that wasn't probably wasn't the biggest red flag to them that I wasn't talking to them every day. But also just if everything seems like rainbow and sunshine, like maybe it is, but maybe it's not. And just like asking questions to not just like, like what have you been doing? But like, what have you been doing? And like, how did that not make you feel, because what teenager is going to love that question? But how is that experience for you? Asking about the relationships that they're making, their interactions with leadership, I think is a big thing too. I was having really awful interactions with leadership and not even to fault them because looking back on it, they were 21, 22, 23. I can't, yeah, exactly. And this has been their entire life too.  
Dr. Cam (22:40.006)
Doing what they were told.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (22:45.782)
But interactions with leadership and just like, how are you, you know, like how are they interacting with you? How are you interacting with them? How is that making you feel? Like, do you feel safe? There's a lot of times where I was like, we weren't even in a safe location, like to even live, which I think if my dad had seen where I was living, he would have been very upset.  
Dr. Cam (23:10.406)
Was there anything they could have said or done to have forced you back?
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (23:16.086)
I don't know, honestly, that's a good question. Maybe if they had like physically come get me, or been like bribed me somehow with like, you know, you can, we can go on a trip to Europe, I don't know. But, mm -hmm.
Dr. Cam (23:22.182)
Then you might have resented it or still not come to that conclusion yourself that this wasn't a good situation. And so you would have still thought that was a good decision or a good break. So I think you going through, which is hard for parents to see, but you going through this and figuring this out seems to be what really got you through this. And you got through it.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (23:38.23)
Exactly. I did. And it's been like a long time deconstructing all of it, but like I do think that I have like a better sense of self because of it. So it's a hard thing to like look back on too, because yeah, I don't think that there was much my parents could have done. I think that there are ways that I could have been supported when I got home a little bit better, but teenagers sometimes are just gonna have to figure things out by themselves. I was definitely that type of teenager. So. Yes.
Dr. Cam (24:27.078)
There's a lot of that type of teenager and it's very frustrating for parents, but I think it's really important to realize that our kids are going to make decisions. Some of them are going to really scare us and just stay supporting them because your parents did not say, forget it. That's the wrong thing. You're on your own. Like they stayed there. Finding that mentor that can help talk some sense into them is really big. Just staying there and supporting your kids. Because now your relationship with your parents, how is that relationship now? Yeah. Yeah.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (25:03.894)
It's great. It's fantastic. And I still, I talk to my mom sometimes about like what had gone on. I think a lot of it, my husband also did the same program, which is how we met. We didn't meet while we're in the program. He did his in South Africa, like about a year later, but we were introduced to each other because of it. He had a much different experience than me. Again, I think the male experience is different. But having people and like, I don't know, jus finding people that you can talk to about it. That might not be your parents, but having parents support you and finding that too is really good.
Dr. Cam (25:40.038)
That's great. And I will attest, your mom's pretty awesome. So, she's pretty cool. So, I think that's a big thing too. Like, I can't imagine it wasn't that she did something wrong or you did anything wrong. It was just a situation where it seemed right in the moment and it turned out not so right. And you got through and I love that. So, that's really what I wanted to share with parents because I think it's just important for us to know because there's so much fear around what our kids are doing. And I think sometimes we gotta let them do it anyway, but being there and kind of having that support system there to help them through it is really good. Because I don't see how this could have been prevented.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (26:26.39)
Yeah, no, I know, because I feel like we definitely did all the right things going into it. I think just, yeah, like reiterating to your team that home, like it's okay to come home if you need to. It's okay to stay if that's what you think you need to do, but like there's nothing wrong with saying, this isn't for me, I'm gonna come home, I'm gonna try something else. And I think that goes along with like having options I think maybe one thing that would have gotten me home was like, having the option to go do something else. Like, whether that was like a volunteer trip or just traveling or whatever. Just like having options and being like, it's okay, there's no need to feel shame about your experience or anything like that. We don't even have to talk about it immediately when you get home. Counseling is a great option, but just having that support while they're there, which might be the last thing that they want to hear in the moment, but it does probably get through to them a little bit more than you would think.
Dr. Cam (27:24.582)
That's great. Sarah, thank you for jumping on and sharing your story. I really appreciate it.
Sarah Bruno-Patrey (27:27.318)
Of course
 
ABOUT THE SHOW:
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive.
 
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How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Teens: Calm & Effective Parenting Strategies

Is setting boundaries with your teen, especially around technology and social life, feeling like an endless battle? What if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot-button issues without the yelling and power struggles?
In this episode, Dr. Cam Caswell is joined by Tia Slightham, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and, most importantly, a mom, who truly understands the challenges parents face. Tia shares proven strategies from her "Parenting With Purpose Method" to help parents achieve peaceful communication and cooperation with their teenagers. Together, they dive into setting clear expectations and boundaries in ways that promote mutual respect—no drama required. If you’re looking to strengthen your connection with your teen while navigating tough issues, this episode is for you!
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How to establish clear expectations for your teen without causing power struggles
Why understanding the root causes of behavior is essential for effective parenting
Practical tips for setting boundaries that promote cooperation, not conflict
The Behavior Needs Roadmap: A solution-focused approach to meeting your teen’s needs and teaching life skills
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Parenting is a skill set that can be learned and developed over time—it's never too late to improve your relationship with your teen.
Understanding the root causes of your teen’s behavior helps you address the issue, rather than just punishing the symptoms.
Setting boundaries with your teen in advance and involving them in the process leads to mutual respect and cooperation.
Teens crave authentic connection and trust with their parents. Show a genuine interest in their lives, and you’ll strengthen your bond.
Prevent power struggles by creating a respectful relationship where boundaries are clear and communication is consistent.
 
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🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
FREE Guide: Connect in Just 10 Minutes a Day
FREE Guide: How to Stop Yelling
 
EPISODE CHAPTERS:00:00 - Parenting as a Skill Set03:15 - Understanding the Root Causes of Behavior07:39 - Setting Boundaries with Mutual Respect10:46 - The Behavior Needs Roadmap14:21 - Navigating Challenges: Phone Usage27:20 - Engaging with Teens in Their Interests31:37 - Building Trust and Connection through Small Conversations34:07 - Preventing Power Struggles through Trust and Boundaries37:40 - It’s Never Too Late to Make Change
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: TIA SLIGHTHAM
Website: www.tiaslightham.com
Instagram: @tiaparentingcoach
TikTok: @parentingcoach
YouTube: Tia Slightham - Parenting Solutions
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: DR. CAM CASWELL
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam  
Hey parents, is setting and keeping boundaries with your teen a constant battle, especially around technology and social life? You're not alone. But what if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot button issues without the yelling and power struggles? That's what we're talking about in today's episode. I'm joined by a leading parenting expert, Tia Slightham. Tia, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and most importantly, a mom, understands the challenges parents face.
She's going to share some proven strategies from our parenting with purpose method to help you achieve peaceful communication and cooperation from your teenager. Tia, welcome to the show.
 
Tia Slightham (00:41.153)
Thanks for having me, yeah, mom of teens, so I definitely get it.
 
Dr. Cam (00:44.022)
Woohoo! Yes, me too. So we live this every single day. I think it's important to know what people are going through. Not at all. So Tia, what inspired you to become a parenting coach?
 
Tia Slightham (00:48.545)
Thank you. Yeah, and they're not alone. They're definitely not alone. I know, people ask me this all the time and it's so funny because we're talking to our teen boys right now who are 15 and almost 13. You know, what are you interested in? What do you want to be when you grow up? And to be honest, a lot of times we just don't know what we want to be when we grow up. And so when I was younger, I knew I always wanted to work with kids. I used to take my cabbage patch doll to the movie theater and feed it and burp it and need to leave the movie to go change it. My mom would have to get up with me so I could change the diaper. I mean, I was serious. I was dead serious about being a mom and working with kids. I just always loved kids. And so I started my journey as a kindergarten teacher. I had my master's in early childhood education and I absolutely loved it. I loved all those little five -year -olds and a lot of people hated being kindergarten teachers, but I loved it. And as time went on, I never knew that I would fall into this parent coaching role. It just happened. I ended up having kids of my own. I met my husband. I'm from the States. He's from Canada.
I moved to Canada, I wasn't legal to work, so I could no longer teach, and then I ended up becoming a mom, and again was fascinated by the fact that I loved being a mom. I loved the baby stage, I loved the toddler stage, but those around me, just like the kindergarten teachers, were struggling. They didn't love it. They were exhausted, their kids weren't sleeping, there were tantrums and meltdowns, and everything felt really hard. And I really reflected on why classrooms fantastic year after year and why are my two boys so great to be around? What am I doing that other people aren't doing? And that's when I really realized parenting is so much a skill set and not something that's intuitive and you're not supposed to have it figured out. And if you don't have it figured out, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up, but you are capable of learning the skills. And I just became super passionate and I built my business and I love what I get to do every day.
 
Dr. Cam (02:53.462)
It's so important to realize it is a skill set and just because we don't have them now doesn't mean we can't get them. And guess what? Raising a teenager is a whole new skill set. It is not. The skills we used and developed earlier on don't work anymore. In fact, they backfire. And so now we got a whole new skill set to develop.
 
Tia Slightham (03:15.777)
Yeah, it's really understanding. I always say to parents why the behaviors are happening in the first place, whether they're toddlers or teens. If you don't know why they're back talking, why they're pushing back, why they're resentful or in revenge mode, and you're just trying to force them to stop doing those things instead of going to the root of the why, it doesn't matter the age of your child, you're always going to struggle. So learning that skill set to understand why is so critical.
 
Dr. Cam (03:44.15)
Tia, let's get into this because I mean, I work with parents as well and it seems so easy to say to do that. And yet I see time and again, parents, even after we've had a whole conversation about it, fall right back into the blaming their kid, you need to do this, that attitude is bad, that's not okay, you just need to stop. And it just escalates so quickly.
How do we change our mindset from a, I don't accept that behavior from my kid, that's not okay, I just have to put an end to it, to a, I need to understand this behavior if I'm actually going to find a solution to stop it.
 
Tia Slightham (04:26.145)
I was actually just doing a training before this and we were talking about the idea that insanity, the definition is doing the same thing over and over, but it not working and not getting any different results. That's parenting. Literally we're just parenting, doing the same things over and over, hoping our kids are gonna change.
 
Dr. Cam (04:36.534)
Yeah, that's also parenting. We do. Getting mad at them for not changing even.  
 
Tia Slightham (04:47.905)
Yes, and saying, I told you 92 times, you obviously speak English, we're both logical here, you know better, but they still don't do what you ask them to do. And what I always say to parents is that it's not about that simple tip or trick that you listen to on a podcast or a video or YouTube or in a parenting book. It's all the pieces of the puzzle. And so when we say, we go to bed at night in tears, tomorrow I'm not gonna yell, tomorrow I'm gonna be calm, tomorrow I'm gonna show up and really respond to my kids without reaction. You mean that, you want that, but it's not possible to do without all the pieces of the puzzle. And so inside, when I work with parents inside my coaching program, I've developed a system known as the behavior needs roadmap. And this is BNR for short, but it's helping parents differentiate and determine have I met the needs for my kids from a basic standpoint of sleep, nutrition, security, transitions? Have I met the needs from an emotional standpoint? Are my kids power and attention buckets or cups full each and every day? Do I know how to do that? And most importantly in the third box, do I have the skills needed to parent with discipline and not punishment? So, I know it's such a big one.
 
Dr. Cam (06:07.094)
People struggle between even separating those two. I think we all, consequences too, like I feel like consequences is now this new word that we use to say we're not punishing it, but it's punishment. Let's be real, because we only do negative consequences. So it's another form of punishment.
 
Tia Slightham (06:23.137)
Yeah, if you don't know how to set them up properly, for sure you're falling back into the punishment trap.
 
Dr. Cam (06:28.342)
This is one of the biggest challenges. And I know when you go into these different areas, and I think one of the struggles that we have is when our kids become teenagers, what fills their power and need and behavior buckets is very, very different than it was when they were little. And we keep trying to do what we did when they were little and don't understand why they're getting angry and upset and not listening and ignoring us and talking back and giving a slip and that's not okay. So how do we establish boundaries if we're not punishing them when they break them?
 
Tia Slightham (07:10.881)
So the idea is that we want to teach our kids to do better next time. And we actually have to teach our kids how to do better next time. We want to stop the unwanted behavior. All those things are facts. But the challenge is typically our child has an unwanted behavior and our mindset and our paradigm is do something wrong, you need to suffer. Do something wrong, you need to learn a hard lesson. And a lot of that's because that's how we were raised and we don't know any different.
But if we really step back and we say to ourselves, has there ever been a time in your life where another adult, a boss or a partner or a friend yelled and screamed at you or got mad at you or threatened you and you stood up and were like, yeah, you know what? Tomorrow I'm going to do better. I'm going to change.
 
Dr. Cam (07:54.23)
I feel so motivated and I love that boss so much. I respect that boss so much. No. Yeah.
 
Tia Slightham (07:58.753)
Yeah, I want to really do well. Yeah, we don't we say screw you. I don't like you. You're an awful person. I don't want to be around you. And now that's what we're doing with our parenting to our kids. We're yelling and we're demanding and we're overpowering. And then we want them to show up and do better, but we're not actually setting them up to do better. And we're not teaching them any skills to do better. So the key is that when we set boundaries and this is a tricky thing for parents too. We usually say boundaries, we don't set boundaries and when we say boundaries we've repeated ourselves 92 times and yes they speak English and yes maybe they heard us one of the 92 times but we're not setting boundaries and in order to set boundaries in a way that's not punishment so that we're having mutual respect is to do everything in advance.
So the idea isn't that your kids come home and you just now get to say, you do your homework or you're not gonna have any TV time. That's you calling all the shots. That's you overpowering your kids and your kids saying, screw you. But if in advance you set a boundary and I think about it as three key parts. One, identify what your boundaries are. Like what do you really want that situation to look like? What do you need your kids to do from start to finish and lay those out, bring your kids on board, especially with teens and older kids, you know, sitting down with them and saying, hey, I need you to come in the door and we need to do homework first before we move to our devices. So how much time do you think you need? 30 minutes or 40 minutes? 40 minutes or an hour? Like give your kids some power, give them some control. Sit down with them, have a conversation, lay out the plan and teach, train and practice for number two. And I know sometimes parents are like, well, my teens don't really need to practice. My teens understand what I'm saying.
When I say teach, train and practice, I mean, you've got to pretend like they don't speak your language. Like they're coming from another country and you've got a foreign exchange student and you're going to walk through that plan because otherwise your boundaries are in your mind. They're not on the table and you're expecting your kids to do what you want them to do without really showing them. And then the third part for boundary setting is what is your follow through when they don't do that plan what happens when you set it up that way. What we've done is we've said, great, we've got a plan. We're on the same team. We're on the same page. When you do X, Y can be the outcome, which you love. Or when you choose not to do X, Y is not available, but it's totally in your court. You get to decide. Now it's not us saying, well, you didn't do your homework. You don't get this. We actually have a plan in place and we're giving our kids autonomy and power and independence to do what feels good so they like the outcome versus not.
 
Dr. Cam (10:50.582)
There's so much important stuff about this and it sounds very logical hearing it. And I think what happens is people go, okay, and then they go home and they're like, I don't understand. So let's walk some like, walk through some very common situations where parents struggle to establish and even more so enforce or maintain boundaries. So a big one is using the phone, particularly with teenagers using the phone at night or too much. How do we set a boundary around the phone where we're not going to have a power struggle and fight every single night?
 
Tia Slightham (11:32.065)
So yes, we have to talk about that. But before we even get into that, we have to remind ourselves if we haven't learned how to avoid the punishments and we're still yelling and taking things away and engaging in power struggles and trying to over control your child, when you go to set that boundary, they're not gonna wanna follow through for you. They're not gonna wanna respect you. And so that's where all the pieces of the puzzle are so critical and looking at that behavior needs roadmap to set your child up for success so they can cooperate in those moments is critical. So if you take what we're talking about today, if you're listening and you try and implement and you're like, but it didn't really work the way I wanted it to work, ask yourself, do I feel like I'm still punishing? Am I still engaging in power struggles? Because then that's where we wanna dig deeper and do some work. Surface implementations are tricky if we don't have those root things resolved, okay? 
Yeah. And people will often go, I tried it once, it didn't work. So I'm going back to the way that I've been doing it for years. That doesn't work. And it's been making things worse. So I think it's not going to likely work the first time for multiple reasons. First of all, you're still developing the skill, so you're not great at it. And second of all, your teen also has habits that need to break and they're used to it. And they have to trust you. They have to trust you. And right now they don't. They don't trust you because maybe you live in what we call the gray zone, where sometimes you give in and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you yell and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you're patient, sometimes you're not. And so our kids have a hard time trusting us. And because they're born with those two predetermined jobs to please you and to push boundaries until boundaries are found, if you're in the gray zone and you're inconsistent with your boundaries, of course, you're not going to be able to do that they're pushing you and pushing you. So it takes time to keep setting and setting boundaries consistently so we can build that trust back.
 
Dr. Cam (13:26.518)
What's important here too, and what I think is very different with teenagers as well is those boundaries, we have to be very, very clear, even to ourselves, because all us parents, and they can't explain why that boundary is there at all. I'm like, well, if you can explain it, how are you teaching your teen why that's a necessary boundary? And now they don't trust you because they don't understand why that boundary just feels like control, nothing else.
We need to be clear and we also need to continuously adapt as our kids shows, I'm okay in this boundary because we're learning them. So let's go now, we've laid out that. So now let's go. Our teen, we have told them over and over again, do not use your phone at night. And it is either I take it away and they get really upset or I don't take it away and they look at it all night long. How do I establish this boundary without a fight every night?
 
Tia Slightham (14:21.409)
Yeah, so we're going to go back to that three step plan and let's like put that in play. So we need to identify, we call it three C's boundaries. So yes, you mentioned it being very clear. We call it concrete, clear and consistent. What are those three C's boundaries that we need our kids to follow? So I use my own kids for an example, 15 and almost 13. My fifth, they're both into Snapchat and all the things and they want to be on their phone and I want them to socialize and I want them to be able to create their own social plans. And I think all of that is positive when we have boundaries around it. And so in our house, our boundaries that are concrete, clear and consistent are, you know, I know where each of them plug their phones in at night and where that is out of their rooms downstairs. I need their iPads and their computers, invisible site the top of the stairs so that I'm not searching for them and when I see them sitting there and the phones are plugged in, we're good. We've got our plan in place. I don't want any devices in their rooms after a certain time. My 15 year old has a different time than my almost 13 year old. We've sat down, we've had the conversations about where those devices need to go, what time those devices need to come out, that I'm not going to give reminders for the devices. If I just don't see it at the top of the stairs, I'm not searching for it. That means I'm assuming it's in your room.
So we're really putting the control on our kids to say, do I have the self -management skills to put the things where they need to go? Can I handle these devices? Can I handle having boundaries around these devices? And then letting them know in advance what will happen when those devices aren't in those right spots. Or you come out of your room 10 minutes later than we talked about that it's an automatic, this is what will happen, we don't even need to talk about it because they know and I know. This is where you decrease the yelling and the anger and the you're taking things away from me, you're trying to control me. When you set it up like this, because it's now, shoot, you're right, I did come out of my room 10 minutes late. Shoot, you're right, I didn't plug my phone in. Instead of you doing everything to your kids, they're making choices for themselves. And then for us, our follow through is that when those things don't follow through, then the next day, we're a tech -free day. You can take your computer to school for when you need it, but you know what? I'll keep your phone for the day. It's a want to have, it's not a need to have. I know you love it, but it'll just be mine for the day and we'll reset. If parents are really struggling, their kids are like, well, I don't care if I lose it for a day. And we have to really think about what they're motivated by. If your kids, most of them are motivated by device and not to have it for a day is a bummer. But if they're not then you need to look at what their true motivation is when you set up your follow through or your positive discipline consequence. Does that make sense?
 
Dr. Cam (17:10.998)
Completely. And I think the other thing, and I want to get your opinion on this because I think one of the things I see that happens a lot is when we set that boundary up or that rule up, we set it up based on our perspective and our need and our solution. And especially when kids are older, if we're not taking into account their needs and they're a solution that actually works for them, a lot of times our solutions are counter to what their needs are, they're not, they're going to have a fit. They're not going to listen. And then it sounds like, this kid's a pain in the butt and he just wants what he wants. But he does want what he wants. We all want what we want. But if he's getting that upset, he's not getting something really important. It could be, yes, the phone, but what is it about the phone that's so important? And we need to understand that, right?
 
Tia Slightham (18:05.569)
Yeah, we have to see things from their perspective. And that's where I say involve your kids in your conversations when you're setting the boundaries. So my kids have always gone to bed early and way earlier than all their friends because I know how important sleep is. And I know that they show up and they listen and they cooperate and they do well at school and they feel better when they get to sleep. And a lot of times our teens don't think they need sleep. But if you're waking your kids up every single morning for school and dragging them out of bed they are not getting enough sleep and a lot of your power struggles are stemming from that need not being met on that roadmap. So a lot of times what happens is we are, we're setting boundaries for what our kids need, because we actually do, I mean, I hate to say it, but we know a little bit more than them, but it's not maybe what they want. And so when we think about what they want versus what they need. That's where we need to meet them in the middle a little bit. And that's where communication is key. And if we're really engaging in power struggles and anger with our teens, they're not gonna wanna open up to you. They're gonna feel overpowered or they're gonna be in trouble or you're gonna take something away. So if I look at Hudson, who's my 15 year old and we talk about what happened with their early bedtimes, he came to me and he said, mommy, I am, he still calls me mommy though, but mommy, I am 15 and I think I could stay up a little bit later.
I think I could and I don't want to sneak my device, but I do want to stay up a little bit later. What do you think? And I thought, you know what? Thank you for coming to me. Let's talk about it. What, what do you think? I think, why don't you, you know, bring your device out around 10 or 1015. You decide some nights we might have to do it earlier if we've had some big function happening, but for the most part that should work. And as long as it's out on the landing at 10 or 1015, let's do that. Does that feel good? Yeah, I like that. Okay, great.
So little brother doesn't know that's happening. He goes to bed, he's fine. And big brother gets to have that independence and autonomy. But I had to think about, yeah, he does want to stay up a little later. He can manage that. And I want him to know he can come to me and I'm going to work with him within reason. Now the conversation was, if we start to see, you know, spiral in schoolwork, you're feeling exhausted, you're really irritable and moody and you can't really handle it.
We might need to back it back up. So these are the things I'm looking for. So he knew it's worked out great. It's been fantastic. He feels heard. I feel seen. Everybody's happy.
 
Dr. Cam (20:29.174)
It's important that we're including the kids in this. And I know there is still people holding very strongly to kind of the beliefs of what were when we were younger. Like, I'm the parent, I'm the authority, I don't need to deal with whatever you have to say is not important. I know best, I'm just gonna take it. It's okay to do that if you are okay with the fact that you're not gonna have a connection, they're gonna fight back, and you're not gonna actually teach them any skills. That's fine, like go for it. But I think it's really important to realize we know now because we've evolved, just like physical health and everything else, we've learned so much more on how to take care of ourselves and how much better to interact with our kids to teach them the skills.
I want to throw that out there because I know there's people that are just not even open to it and it's going to take time. But one of the things I think parents really struggle with with this when it comes to boundaries is that line between being like the authority and this is it and just listen to me and being passive and just going, okay, whatever you need, we're just going to listen to you. And we kind of...
 
pendulum swing between the two and neither work well. How do we find this middle? What does a boundary look like in the middle?
 
Tia Slightham (21:57.601)
So we're kind of we're stuck in what we call either being the overpowering tiger where your kids need to listen to you because you said so or the wet doormat where your kids just walk all over you and you're right neither of them work and then we want to get to that positive discipline parent where we have mutual respect and so the boundary looks like we talked about in advance, bringing your kids on board, having conversations with them, hearing out what they need, what their wants are, meeting them in the middle where it makes sense, building that open line of communication so you're not just saying it's this way or the highway, but really bringing them on board. And I think what happens is parents are afraid to bring their kids on board because they're afraid they're going to lose control. But what we don't realize is we've already lost control if you're yelling and screaming and trying to force your kids.
 
Dr. Cam (22:51.098)
And like you said, we're not actually teaching them any skills or we're teaching even worse, we're teaching them the skill of here's how you get what you get your way. You yell and scream until we give in. And that is not a great skill to take out into the world. Like that's what we're teaching.
 
Tia Slightham (23:09.185)
Yeah, and if you think about Hudson with his iPad, there were a lot of skills that were taught. He was taught that when he does the things that we talk about and we build trust, he gets more independence, he gets more freedom, more time on his phone, that he's managing the clock and watching that on his own, even if he's in the middle of something that he's enjoying, that he can have that freedom. He's learning that when I choose not to do that Gosh, things don't work out the way that I want them to work out, but when I make a better choice, it does. Whereas if you just yell and scream and take the device and say, that's it, you're done, I've already asked you 92 times to get off of it, we actually didn't teach any of those things.
 
Dr. Cam (23:47.878)
Right. And we actually just made them want it more. So now it's just become an even more desirable thing and we've become the enemy. So I think...
 
Tia Slightham (23:57.633)
And part of them wanting it more is the fact that they're looking for something and someone to bond and connect with. And with teens, I know as a teen mom, it's very scary, the internet and phones, and they're talking to people from all over in different schools. And the idea is that if we don't build a strong bonding connection with our kids where they feel like they trust us and they can lean on us and they're not afraid of us they're gonna look for that in other places that are not healthy places. And so I think our kids who are so addicted to phones, it's because they're missing a really strong bond and connection with their parents. And I know a lot of parents are probably saying right now, well, my teen wants nothing to do with me. My teen doesn't wanna talk to me. They don't like me. They say they hate me. They want to connect with you so desperately, but they don't know how. And as parents, we have to say, I'm not gonna wait around for my teen to figure out how to make this right. They are the child. I need to figure out how to make this right.
 
Dr. Cam (24:58.422)
We know nothing else works without connection and trust. It just doesn't. Like you know, it does not work without it. And trust is not something you can say, hey kid, trust me. That does not work. I've never seen that work, nor respect. Fear and respect, not the same thing, right? Trust and respect is something that you earn and grow over time. And how we do that is by trusting and respecting them which a lot of parents just don't feel comfortable doing. So explain to me a little bit on how do you start building that trust with a kid that right now wants nothing to do with you and has no trust in you and you do not trust anything they say or do either. Because I hear this a lot.
 
Tia Slightham (25:51.713)
Hmm. Yeah. So we have to start small and we have to remove the pressure. So a lot of times what we think is that we talk about how our kids need to be connected to us, but more so than anything, we also really need to be connected to our kids. Parents feel so down and sad and regretful and shame and empty when you don't feel like you have a relationship with your kids. So as much as they need us, we also need them. And so we have to remember, look at the whole picture and say, gosh, we've been in this combative state. Like I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. Like I wouldn't want to really be my friend right now either. So how can I dip my toe back in and sort of open things up with them? So we've got to get to a place where I always say to parents, start working on one area. So if you're going to start setting boundaries, choose one area. It's morning routines, it's devices. Maybe it's coming home from school and your homework routines. You're not going to fix everything at once or not ripping the carpet out. So choose one area that you might want to focus on when you start to build those boundaries, but at the same time, build your relationship. So what I mean is we do what's called golden time. It's like a five ingredient formula and every, you know, psychologist and doctor and teacher and parenting expert does some sort of form of this where they want you to spend quality time with your kids. I mean, it makes perfect sense. So I want you just to carve out, even if it's five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. where you show interest in your teenager. And that interest might be where you say, can you show me, let's do that TikTok dance together. Like I'm terrible at those things. My rhythm is not what my 13 year olds is. But you know what? It's pretty fun to sit down and do it together and they giggle with you and they laugh at you. It might be, hey, let me play that NASCAR game with you and show me, how do I even use this remote? Show interest in what they're interested in because most of the time what they think is the things they like are the things we hate, the things we don't want them on, the things we don't want them to do. And so they feel no connection or sort of a sense of alignment with us. So I want you to think about engaging with them in something that they're interested in. They will be so pleased to see that you are interested in something they're interested in.
 
Dr. Cam (28:10.294)
There are several points I just want to reiterate because it's so important. The first one is they do want to connect with you. I mean, years and years and years of talking to teens, every single one wants a connection with their parent, but not in the way that we're insisting we have it. I think that's part of it is that they want a connection with us in a real authentic connection, not in a mom and dad define what we do, what it looks like, how I have to act, when you define everything and it's a controlled situation that fits your needs, your kid wants nothing to do with it. So if you want to connect with your teen exactly what you said, be interested in what they're interested in. It is like magic. Magic. my gosh.
 
Tia Slightham (28:57.473)
their eyes will light up. They will look at you like you have nine heads. Like, what? you're interested in this?
 
Dr. Cam (29:04.918)
It's so fun and I love talking to teens and you just kind of throw out different ideas and just see what lights them up. It's just like you said, it's like throw a few things out and you'll see because they'll latch onto it and then they can just go when you find the right thing.
 
Tia Slightham (29:17.441)
Hmm, something as simple as would you like to walk to Starbucks? You know, like it's amazing the conversations I have when I take the dog and I invite one of my kids and say, let's walk to ice cream or walk to Starbucks. Like maybe it's, maybe it's ice cream. If they're not interested in Starbucks, most of the kids are like, yeah, let's go do that. but we've got to get to a place where they feel like when they go for that walk, it's not going to be your opportunity to corner them into all the things they're doing wrong, but it's just a free flowing conversation and once you start, a lot of times people will say, well, my teens shut down. My teens won't open up. My teens don't want to talk, but we're not giving them the right place and time and environment to allow them to open up. Last night we were at dinner, the four of us and both my boys are really getting into the girls and the dating and this is a whole new world for me. So I brought up with my younger one, how so and so doing? And he said, well,
I actually want to talk to you when you tuck me in tonight because we have really good chats then and I said, is it kind of private? And he said, yeah. And I said, okay, let's talk about it then. I thought how amazing that he knows what time of day is going to be a time that he can kind of off leash his thoughts and his feelings and come to me for advice and an ear to listen. And so it might be car rides for some kids. I always say before bed is a great time. My kids love their backs scratched. I lay down and scratch their back. We talk for a few minutes. It's not a, I'm not singing songs anymore and I'm not reading fairy tales. I wish I was, but we're scratching backs and we're talking, but they know that there's times on the walk or before bed that it's going to be a one -on -one opportunity for them to feel safe. And I think as parents, we need to carve out those times, whether you have younger kids or teens so your kids know that you're available and that you really want to be with them.
 
Dr. Cam (31:08.374)
Yeah, this requires a lot of patience because parents may listen and go, okay, today I'm going to invite them to Starbucks and this is going to be great. Chances are great that they might say no, that if they even said yes, they're not going to say a word to you. That is okay. You've made the first step. Keep inviting them. Keep having really teeny short little blips of conversations where it doesn't go south fast. Right?
 
Tia Slightham (31:20.641)
Yes And don't make it personal when they shut you down.
 
Dr. Cam (31:39.894)
No, not at all. Not at all. And I think that's what's really hard too, is it's very, very difficult for us to not take it personally. We're like, my gosh, what it... And it is, it's a matter of they are very concerned about our judgment. They are very concerned about getting our approval or not getting it. And so it's easier just to not do anything than to risk getting a disappointed look or lecture. And I think we get stuck there a lot.
 
Tia Slightham (32:10.145)
Yeah, and when you start, if they take an inch and they come in and they allow you to go for that walk or they just remind yourself that just listening is like the best thing you can do in that moment. You don't have to give your opinion. You don't need to come in hard and strong. Just listen. And it's amazing what they'll start to open up with when you just keep trying, pressure free, keep inviting, keep carving out time and keep your ears open.
 
Dr. Cam (32:40.406)
I want to circle this back to the boundaries and the power struggles and just be very help people tie what we're talking about to that. The whole point of this is when we have those trusting, respectful relationships with our kids and we set boundaries with them for their safety and we're clear with them, they don't fight back to that point. They may say, I disagree and can we listen and you talk about it and you figure it out, but you don't have those knockout, drag down power struggles anymore because they trust you. So building those relationships, that is what removes the need for the power struggles and the need for the frustration. They're not listening to me.
 
Tia Slightham (33:35.329)
Because deep down the why behind the behavior, why they're power struggling so much is those power and attention needs, that relationship, that bond is not met. Or our parenting is inconsistent and we're gray. Or we're giving in sometimes, or we're yelling, or we're overpowering. So all of those little pieces are why they give you such a hard time when you try and set a boundary. And when we can start to build that relationship and that trust, they're not doing it to get back at you anymore. It no longer becomes about you and your child. It becomes about the phone or the homework or the issue that you're dealing with. Whereas right now, for most parents, it's about you two instead of the actual issue itself.
 
Dr. Cam (34:20.598)
Yeah, it really is because when that's taken care of and the thing is, you're still going to have issues. Kids are still going to have, do things that you're like, that was not a good decision. You're still going to disagree with things. The thing is when you have that foundation, it's not that big a deal. Like you deal with it, you connect over it, you talk about it, you move through it and you're done with it and you're more connected before. And the two of us are both
 
parents of teenagers and so we're speaking from actual experience. Like this is how we live. Like I do not have power struggles with my teenager, but she is extremely respectful and responsible and participates in the house and does all the things with no arguing.
 
Tia Slightham (35:10.273)
because you're meeting all those needs and you're starting that relationship. We were driving to school the other day and I said to the boys, I'm just gonna lay it out for you guys, just so you know. You're teenagers, which means you're gonna make a lot of really stupid decisions. I know it. Like I did it, I was a teenager. I know. I said my job is to help you make the smartest of the bad decisions, the smartest of the stupid decisions.
 
Dr. Cam (35:11.702)
because we are very connected and she trusts me. I still do Tia. I still make dumbest decisions.
 
Tia Slightham (35:39.585)
So when I'm talking to you about things, it's only so that I can help you because your logical brain, you're not developed to where you're gonna be and as adults, we're still learning. So think about where you're at. But I just want you to know that I'm not here to make you feel badly about your decisions. I'm not here to make you feel badly about your mistakes. I just wanna help you learn from them because there's gonna be a lot of bad decisions, because that's what happens as we're growing up. It's how you learn. But I think having our kids know that is also important because a lot of times our teens in particular really fear letting us down. They fear getting in trouble. They fear that they can't please us in any way because we're always so angry with them. And I think that goes back to that connection and trust, but it's also connected like a giant spider web.
 
Dr. Cam (36:13.718)
Yeah, it really is. And I think starting right there with if you are constantly angry at your teenager, that's the place you need to start because you need to think through that anger because approaching your child in anger or viewing everything they do through that lens of anger will not build a connection because now you have this big barrier up and you just can't, you can't see through it. And that is so incredibly hard to do. None of this is easy. It is worthwhile though. my gosh, it is so worthwhile for you and for your kid. So Tia, what is like one big takeaway that you want parents to walk away with from this episode?
 
Tia Slightham (37:03.009)
Yep, absolutely. That it's never too late. And so often we say, well, my child's a preteen or a teen and there's no way we're gonna be able to make changes. I've already damaged my child. I've already created too much trauma. Our relationship's already shot and everything is fixable and it's never too late. And if your child is 16, 17, 18, they're still only been in this world 16, 17, 18 years. They're still little. They still have so much life to live. And if you want to build that relationship with your kids, you can turn things around with the skill set, with the tools, with the foundations.
 
Dr. Cam (37:47.478)
Yeah, one of the fastest ways to do that is to apologize. Because if we just say, hey, I, looking back, I'm not thrilled with the way I handled this. I know that we caused, I caused some chaos and some conflict and I, it's not the best. Because when we do that, sometimes the kids hold grudges for so long because they just are waiting for that one word, two words, I'm sorry. That's all they need to hear and all of a sudden so much of it can be pushed in the past and we can move forward if we're willing to look at that. I think that's it.
 
Tia Slightham (38:22.849)
Yeah, and that repair piece is so important. But one of the pieces that I really want to emphasize to parents is you can apologize and repair, but then what we want to role model with that is that we're going to do something different next time. Because a lot of times we say sorry for yelling and exploding, but the next day we just yell and explode again. So again, we lose trust because our apology is kind of meaningless.
 
Dr. Cam (38:43.126)
We do it again.
 
Tia Slightham (38:48.353)
So if you're really wanting to make changes, you do want to apologize and take ownership to your actions and your behaviors. But then you need to say to your kids, but hey, I'm working with a psychologist or a coach or I'm taking this program because I actually want to learn how to do things differently because I want to be the parent here. And it's not your responsibility, it's mine. But that takes learning the skills and it's not something you can just go to bed at night and say tomorrow will be better. You have to actually get guidance.
 
Dr. Cam (39:07.926)
Yeah, it is like any other task or job or anything we do, we need to learn it to get better at it and practice it to get better at it. Tia, how do people find you?
 
Tia Slightham (39:29.665)
gosh, I would say Instagram's probably the easiest place. I'm at Tia Parenting Coach and there's tons of videos and trainings and support there. And they can definitely DM me from there or they're welcome to go to my website, tiaslitem .com.
 
Dr. Cam (39:45.43)
I love it. Tia, thank you so much for jumping on with us today. I appreciate it.
 
Tia Slightham (39:48.513)
Yeah, I could chat for days with you, so we'll do it again.
 
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth.
Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.
#theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #parenting #teenboundaries #teencommunication

How to Diffuse Teen Meltdowns: Expert Secrets from a Hostage Negotiator

Is your teen's emotional meltdown leaving you feeling overwhelmed and powerless? You're not alone—73% of parents face this challenge. But what if you could learn how to de-escalate these situations and strengthen your bond with your teen?
In this episode, I’m joined by Karleen Savage, a former hostage negotiator and conflict resolution expert. Karleen now helps parents like you master the art of diffusing teen meltdowns and creating calm, cooperative interactions.
She shares proven strategies to navigate your teen's intense emotions with confidence, build trust, and create a positive environment that helps your teen thrive.
 
4 KEY TAKEWAYS FOR PARENTS:
Learn how to de-escalate conflicts by understanding your teen's perspective and avoiding assumptions.
Use open-ended questions and active listening to connect with your teen’s needs and emotions.
Build a stronger relationship with your teen by showing empathy, owning up to mistakes, and fostering trust.
Discover how parents can handle challenging moments with confidence, creating a respectful and supportive relationship.
 
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Help others discover this episode by leaving a rating and review! Your feedback means the world to me and allows us to bring even more valuable insights to parents like you.
Don’t forget to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫 
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
FREE digital download of Karleen’s book, The Confident Teen Blueprint
 
Connect with Karleen:
Facebook: @KarleenSavage
Instagram: @KarleenSavageLinkedIn: Karleen Savage
 
Connect with Dr. Cam:
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive.
 
#TeenParenting #TeenConflictResolution #ParentingTips #TeenEmotions #ParentingTeenagers #DeescalatingTeenAnger #ParentingExpert #FamilyDynamics #TeenMeltdowns #ConflictManagement

How to Relieve Mom Guilt and Find Peace in Motherhood: Essential Tips for Busy Moms

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, we’re joined by Ali Flynn, the founder of Hang In There Mama. Ali shares invaluable insights on how moms can find peace and joy in their motherhood journey while overcoming feelings of guilt. If you're a mom feeling overwhelmed or guilty, this episode is a must-listen!
 
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
How to overcome mom guilt and unrealistic expectations
Why self-care and self-love are crucial for moms raising teens
Practical tips for finding moments of quiet and decompressing as a busy mom
How to let go of excessive worrying and trust your teen’s abilities
 
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Moms often feel alone and not good enough, but remember, you're not alone—many other moms are navigating the same struggles.
Guilt in motherhood stems from societal expectations of perfection, but it’s time to let go of comparing yourself to others.
Prioritize self-care and self-love to feel fulfilled and be a positive role model for your children.
Simple self-care activities, like deep breathing or taking a walk, can help you decompress and recharge.
Let go of excessive worrying about your teen’s choices and trust in their ability to grow and learn independently.
 
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family!
Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫
🔔 Remember to hit SUBSCRIBE so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌
 
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Hang in There, Mama 6-WEEK GRATITUDE JOURNAL for MOMS RAISING TWEENS, TEENS, and YOUNG ADULTS!
 
EPISODE CHAPTERS:00:00 - Finding Peace and Joy in Motherhood04:34 - Overcoming Mom Guilt and Unrealistic Expectations08:15 - The Importance of Self-Care and Self-Love12:26 - Practical Tips for Prioritizing Self-Care26:29 - Letting Go of Excessive Worrying
 
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Ali Flynn
Website: Hang in There Mama
Instagram: @hang.in.there.mama
Facebook: @hangintheremama
 
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
Website: AskDrCam.com
Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
TikTok: @the.teen.translator
YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
 
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam (00:00):Hey parents, ever feel completely drained like there's nothing left in the tank for you or your kids, but the idea of me time triggers guilt? You're not alone. A whopping 80 % of moms wrestle with this, but what if we could ditch the guilt and find peace and joy in motherhood? That's exactly what we're tackling today. I'm joined by Ali Flynn, the mastermind behind Hang In There Mama. Ali understands the unique challenges of raising teens. We're going to get into real actionable tips to help you ditch the guilt and carve out moments to recharge even with your crazy schedule. Because guess what? A happy, healthy you means a happier, healthier family. Allie, welcome to the show.
Ali Flynn (00:41.198):Thank you so much. It's such an honor to be on with you.
Dr. Cam (00:44.017):First I want to hear what inspired you to launch Hang in there, Mama.
Ali Flynn (00:51.15):Honestly, it really came down to I wanted to share with people all of the encouragement and inspiration that I really wanted to hear myself, that I wasn't hearing all the time. I felt really alone at times in my motherhood journey. I felt really lost. I felt not good enough. I didn't sometimes know what I was doing, but I felt like we're in this perfection mode of being a mom and how do I actually offer that honesty up to people. And I just wanted moms to know that you are not the only one, you are not alone in this. We are all sort of struggling along this journey at times. And you know, you don't have to feel lost within it.
Dr. Cam (01:35.665):Yeah, I think it's so important and I love that you're putting out there that support because you're absolutely right. And I think especially when our kids get into the teen years, we feel the most isolated because I think there's this belief that we should have it figured out by now. So we're afraid to ask for help, but raising teens is not raising kids. It's a whole new skill set.And so asking for help, I think realizing other people are struggling with it gives us permission to ask for help. Are you finding that?
Ali Flynn (02:10.286):Exactly, exactly. And I feel like you're spot on with that in the sense of a lot of moms when they enter the teen years with their kids, they completely hibernate, they retreat, they stop sharing, they stop talking. Oftentimes, you know, it's that tween years of entering the middle school time where you're not at the elementary school anymore, you're not at the bus stop, you're not at the birthday parties. So you lose some of the engagement unless you have sort of created a sort of a basis of friends and a network that you can rely on. But then if you don't have that, you sort of feel alone, but you also don't feel comfortable sharing everything and being honest. And then you have sort of part two, which is as our teens grow up you want to give them their privacy, right? When they're little and they're not reaching milestones, you can sort of share that information. But now you have teenagers and what are parents going to maybe share with their teen and then it gets throughout the school. And so it just becomes this vicious cycle at times. So sort of knowing that other people are going through it and really believing that allows you to be more transparent and get the support you need.
Dr. Cam (03:13.649):Absolutely. It’s a fine line because you do want whatever your team tells you and whatever's going with your team to be confidential between you and your team, but how do you get help that way? So how do you find a safe network of people that you can trust with that information that can give you that insight back that's not going to feel like you're betraying your teenager? Like it is, it's this whole complicated thing.What's interesting when you're describing what moms do, particularly, and we're particularly talking about moms, because I think we burden a lot of the guilt, which I'm still confused why we get more guilt, but I think that's just mom, women in general, like to take on guilt. But it's interesting the way you were describing what moms do is exactly how we describe what our teens are doing, where we're like hibernating and we're hiding, and it's that same sense of just protection. So.
Ali Flynn (04:17.74):Exactly.
Dr. Cam (04:18.673):Now we're going and saying, hey, you're not alone. That doesn't relieve our guilt and it doesn't make our lives less crazy so that we can take care of ourselves. So let's talk about first the guilt. Where does this guilt come from?
Ali Flynn (04:34.926):I truly believe it comes from everything that we are being fed through society. We as moms are being fed that we have to be perfect. We have to have everything aligned. We have to know at all moments, every single day, 365 days a year, what we are doing and know with complete trust that we are doing the right thing.And it's just unrealistic. It's an unrealistic expectation on women, on mothers. It's an unrealistic expectation for our children to think that we're perfect. So I think it becomes this trap of we are fed this through what we read, what we see on TV, what we see in movies. So how do you get out of it?Right. And then you go down that path and that rabbit hole of comparing yourself to other moms, comparing yourself to what you see on social media as you're scrolling. And it just, it's such an unhealthy concept that we have to get out of. And I think the only way to get out of it is by really being open and honest with each other as moms and, you know, letting go of some of that protective barrier and saying like, this is what I'm going through or am I the only one? And see sort of what happens and sort of create that village for yourself of moms who are willing to be transparent.
Dr. Cam (06:02.225):I think a lot of parents think that what they're going through is completely unique. And yet I'm sure you hear this too, but in what I do, I hear the same concerns and complaints and worries over and over and over again. And so because they are common struggles that we have at this stage because of the stage and because of just what you said is this view of what that's supposed to look like. And I think, I always talk about we're concerned about the impact of comparison and social media on our kids. And I keep seeing that. I think it has more negative impact on us as parents on our expectations down to our kids. Because I have parents all the time tell me, well, everyone else has a, no, they don't. They do not have it figured out. But then we put down those expectations and expect our kids to be a certain way which then changes how we parent because we don't have the ability to be as compassionate because we're more fearful. Do you see that as well?
Ali Flynn (07:04.558):Right. You know, and I see we're comparing ourselves in so many ways, just like our teens are doing, right? So moms are comparing what we look like to how we're behaving, to what vacations are we going on? How are we incorporating fun into our kids' worlds, right? But we're forgetting that this is just a presence. This is not reality. This is what people put out there isn't truth all the time, right? So why are we sucking down that trap that we don't want our kids to go down, right? So it's sort of like we need to get our self together and recognize this so we can model it for our own kids.
Dr. Cam (07:39.409):I think the other thing that we juggle is this, you know, this good enough mom, which I think there's this falsehood that that just means we kind of just give up in a way. Like we're just going to, this is what it is and we're just going to deal with it versus this, we're not going to be perfect, but we can still grow and learn and be better. How do we separate the growth from the guilt?
Ali Flynn (08:15.822):Well, I always talk to moms about how we are on this journey evolving over and over and over again. We are not the same mom that we were when our child was born, when they were infants, toddlers, teens, or even young adults, right? And older adults. We have to change with them. We have to learn. We have to grow. And if we don't do that, we're going to get caught in this trap. And if you get caught in that trap, you do feel not good enough because you are also not evolving. But the concept of not feeling good enough, it's like such nonsense to me, right? Because we are good enough and we know we're good enough, but we are taking in all these negative messages and believing that we're not good enough. So it's really just stopping that path and believing and supporting ourselves through self-love and self-care to then model for our kids that they also are good enough, right? Not for them to feel that way, not for them to get caught in this vicious cycle. So I think there's so many layers and elements to this. We could probably talk for hours about it.Right? And you see it all the time. And it's just really, it's something that I'm so passionate about because we have to change the narrative.
Dr. Cam (09:27.185):I think it's the difference between being good enough and not, not being good enough and not knowing enough. We are good enough, but there's always more we can know. I mean, you and I do this day in and day out and I'm still reading books every day. I'm still taking classes. I'm ex, I'm interviewing experts like you. I still don't know everything. So there's no way for us, that doesn't mean I'm not good enough, it just means I've got lots more I can learn. There's nothing wrong with that.
Ali Flynn (10:05.982)And I think also, we're always evolving, we're learning, right? We're growing, we're growing along with our kids. But we also have to recognize that we have to expand, right? We have to allow ourselves to recognize that we are good enough, and we are good enough for our family, right? So that's sort of also where my mindset shifted. I did this change and said to myself, rather than thinking I'm not good enough for the whole world, it doesn't matter about the whole world. This is my family of six, and I'm going to do for my family of six what I know they need from me. And I'm not going to worry about the neighbor next door. I'm going to care for my neighbor next door, and I will worry about them. But I'm not going to invest my time in over-analyzing what they are doing in comparison to what I'm doing, because I'm the only one who knows what my particular kids need. Focus on that, right? Do what is right for your family and ignore the chatter of what everyone else is doing.
Dr. Cam (11:06.179)I think a lot of that chatter is chatter we make up too. The fear of what we think they may be thinking, and then we get stuck in that, and that kind of gets us down that trap. And I think the other thing to just consider is when we admit and take accountability that there's more we can learn, that doesn't say that what we have done in the past has been failure. We've done the best we could with everything we know, and that's okay. But we can always know more if we want to change the dynamic. That's all there is to it. That's not saying we failed. It's just saying we still have room to go. So now we're going to slowly but surely—because this is a difficult thing for us to do—let go of guilt because we were born and raised to embrace it. Let's be real. And we are passing that guilt burden onto our kids in many ways as well. But how do we now model taking care of ourselves? Because I think this is the other thing where we tend to sacrifice our own well-being for the well-being of our kids. And Ali, tell us why that does not work long-term.
Ali Flynn (12:26.99)Yet this is something that it took me a long time to realize. And it took me a long time to recognize that I personally was doing this, right? I had this thought that being a good mom and being a good enough mom meant that I was completely 100% selfless. I was selfless. But that selflessness caught up to me, right? So here I was, a younger mom, giving, giving, giving, overly giving, but it turned into sort of self-sabotage. And then, as I'm giving, I'm becoming more hostile. I'm retreating. I'm getting upset about the littlest things. I don't feel enough, but I also don't feel fulfilled. And it's sort of this dynamic where I love being a mother, but I'm not feeling fulfilled at the same time. And why is that happening? It's this dichotomy that I have to think about. And I think I'm a very reflective person. So I could sit back and say, wait a second, this is not what being a mom is about. Being a mom does not mean completely getting lost in just my family and not focusing on myself at all. And being a mom doesn't mean being completely selfless because what am I modeling to my kids?
I have to model to my kids that I have to take care of myself. I have to love myself because if I don't model that for them, who is going to? And I want my kids to love themselves, have self-care, be functioning adult men and women who also love themselves. So I got really lost for a long time, and I felt just trapped at times. And it took a while for me to figure out what to do. And it was slow baby steps for me that I had to incorporate self-care back into my, really, my daily and weekly routine that I let go of for so long.
Dr. Cam (14:28.721)It's hard to shift that mindset. I think that mindset is so ingrained in us. And then how do you balance this need for, yes, we do have a responsibility to take care of our kids and take care of our family, and that is an enormously hefty job. So how do you balance that with still saying, but I still need to take care of myself without going, well, now I'm going to be selfish and put me first, which means now I put them second? Like that's kind of, we kind of feel like it's one or the other. How do we find that middle ground?
Ali Flynn (15:05.358)Right, and this is, yeah, and that's where the mom guilt comes in, and that's where the "I'm not enough" comes in. Because when we are selfless, we feel like, what are we also receiving, and we feel lost. But when we're doing something for ourselves, as moms, we often feel selfish. But self-care and self-love is not selfish. It's not selfish. It's something that we have to do for ourselves. We are human beings, right? We're moms, but we're also still humans who have passions and things that we need to fulfill ourselves and fuel ourselves. So it's really finding that balance, which again, is hard as a mom and especially hard if you are a working mom, especially hard if you don't have a lot of family nearby, if you are divorced, if you are single. The list goes on and on.
It is hard to find that balance, but I try to just share with moms, you know, this isn't about taking a spa weekend retreat. This isn't about spending a lot of money. It is truly about sometimes just finding even three minutes of quiet time. And that's it. Three minutes of quiet time just to settle your brain, maybe hop in the shower, go outside on your front yard, take a few deep breaths. It can be simple. That time just to regroup and pause, life-changing.
Dr. Cam (16:34.801)It's interesting too, because we do get very worried about how much time our kids are spending on their phones and that this is not good for our mental health. Yet I see parents spending a lot of time on their phones and not having enough time to take care of their own mental health. And it's prioritizing, I believe, right? Because there's—and I'm guilty of this. I'm not saying I don't—I spend way too much time on my phone, you know, and doing things like that going, wait, I could be putting this down and going for a walk. I could be doing those things that take care of me rather than spending time doing this. So how do we become more cognizant of how we're prioritizing our time and how we're using it to take care of ourselves? What are some of the things that we know? You got to take a walk and you got to eat well, and we kind of just go, we know that, we just don't have time. We still don't feel like we have time. How do we change our mindset and find that time?
Ali Flynn (17:42.67)Well, I think one of the things you could do is really set up some boundaries for yourself, right? And say, okay, I'm going to recognize I like to scroll a little bit. I need to scroll. It's a mindless activity. I like to not think for a little bit, but I'm not going to do it for two hours. I'm going to give myself a limit, maybe 15-20 minutes, and then I'm going to fill in the blank of what will fulfill you and what is mentally healthier for you. Similar to what we do, a lot of us do with our kids. I know I do this, and it took me a while to figure out, but helping them find that balance.
Hey, I've noticed you've been on your phone for an hour or so. Do you wanna go do something? Even if it's, do you wanna go run an errand with me? Or I'm heading on a walk, right? Do you wanna come with me? Or I'm going to go walk the dog. Do you wanna join me? And you can find simple things. I'm about to make dinner. Would you like to help? Just to get them off, but without it being like a demand, a punishment, you know, really talking about the care of yourself while balancing the phone.
And I remember during the pandemic, I had four teenagers. I had two eighth graders, a 10th grader, and an 11th grader. Those phones were an appendage to their hands, and it would drive me crazy. And I would just talk to them, and then that would happen. And then I would get, you know, feisty about it and I would, you know, just talk over and over again. They would get annoyed with me. And I remember one day with one of my daughters, I was like, let's go to your screen time. Let me show you your screen time as a visual. Her screen time was off the charts. But I think, like, it took her breath away because she didn't realize when those hours pop up, she didn't realize really how many hours she was on until those numbers appeared. So sometimes you just need that visual also to show you the truth of it, because when you're scrolling, time flies by. You're not even recognizing it, right? When you're walking or exercising, you know the time. It was like five minutes.
Dr. Cam (19:44.145)It does. How much more? And Ali, one thing I love about this too is I think when we're transparent about finding time to do things for ourselves that are good for us and saying in front of our kids, my gosh, I'm getting stuck on my phone again. I know I do this with my daughter. I'm like, my gosh, I just spent way too much time on TikTok. I need to go take a walk. And I'm not saying to her, you've spent too much time on TikTok. You need to go take a walk. I'm saying, I've spent it, I'm going to go take a walk, hey, do you want to go with me?" Now it's a whole different thing. It's not about you're doing something bad. It's like, I want to improve myself and my health. I'm just going to share that with you so you're aware of it as well and can start thinking that, like, how much time have I spent?
Ali Flynn (20:37.806)Right, well you're role modeling, and then you're essentially putting that little seed in the back burner for her next time maybe to say to herself, have I been on too long? Maybe I should meet up with a friend or go on a walk or whatever they wanna do. It's planting those little seeds.
Dr. Cam (20:39.889)They're big seeds. I mean, they grow big. They grow into oak trees eventually. So tell us a few tricks that you might have on what are some really effective ways when we just have moments of time that we can use it really effectively to just kind of decompress, maybe release some of that dopamine, just feel a little bit better.
Ali Flynn (20:57.044)I'm sorry. I have three go-tos that have always been my go-tos. One, and I mentioned it before, is breathing. It doesn't mean you have to go into a 20-minute meditation, but simply taking three deep breaths. It could be going into the bathroom and running some cold water on your face or on your wrist to calm down and taking three deep breaths. It could be going out on your backyard or on your front porch and just breathing as you like soak in some vitamin D and sunshine. It could be being in your car and just taking three deep breaths in and out. It will do the trick, right? It calms you in moments of stress, sadness, any type of emotion, or even if you just feel like you're not grounded in that moment, it will ground you.
So that's one thing. I personally meditate every day, or I try to meditate every day if I can, but that's about 20 minutes. But if I don't have that time, it's just three deep breaths. And I actually do it every night. As soon as I put my head on the pillow, even I take three deep breaths before I close. I close my eyes, take the three deep breaths and just exhale everything from the day. And it just allows me to feel like I'm releasing everything from that day to start new for tomorrow.
The second thing that I tend to also do is I walk a lot. And it doesn't even have to be a fast walk. Sometimes I just walk up and down my driveway. I happened to have to take my father to a doctor's appointment recently. I walked in the parking lot and I listened to a podcast. So I try to listen to sort of meditative music or a podcast, something that is going to either soothe me or, again, like what we're talking about before, I'm gonna learn something from it.
The other thing I also do is I journal a lot. So it doesn't have to be pages upon pages. You don't have to have the stress of it, but I just journal, right? I can actually, sometimes I'll use a journal that's blank and just basically word vomit all over the page, whatever I need to say. Other times I use journals that have some prompts. It's sort of dependent on my mood, but I don't stress about it, right? So I used to be an English teacher for middle school. So many of my students hated to read and they hated to write. And the reason why is because they were forced to do book logs, journal entries. And then I think as people move forward, they still have like a negative connotation sometimes, like it's gonna take up so much time or what do they have to do for it? It's an obligation. But if you look at it as it's just healing or word dumping to get off your chest what you need to move forward, it's very soothing.
Dr. Cam (24:13.681):There are so many different things we can do to find that thing. Like, my thing right now is painting the adult paint-by-numbers. Have you done those? Oh my gosh, I was doing coloring, and now I'm doing the paint-by-numbers because I'm doing the whole Taylor Swift poster for my daughter. It's so relaxing, and you’ve got something at the end of it to show too. So just finding that thing that lets you calm your brain. Breathing, to me, works amazingly too. I know people roll their eyes at it, but man, there’s nothing easier and faster to calm down with than just deep breaths. Huh? Ali Flynn (24:48.802):Yup. And you can do it anywhere. You can do it anywhere, right? Yeah. But it’s true. It’s finding what brings you some peace, whether it’s doing some yoga moves, breathing, journaling, walking, running, painting, or coloring. It could be anything. Even watching TV for a few minutes in silence, right? By yourself. So it’s really… and again, it’s not about finding large chunks of time away from your kids. Because I know when you’re a younger mom with younger kids, it’s harder because you’re so inundated with your kids. But as your kids become teens like mine, and even in college, I do have some more time to incorporate. And I will tell you, I am a healthier mom now than I was when my kids were younger. Because I was really in that mindset of I have to be so selfless, or I feel guilty leaving them. Or when they’re watching a little TV show, I should sit on the couch and watch with them. Well, no, I don’t need to do that. I could be in the next room maybe doing some exercise, breathing, journaling, or maybe calling a friend or listening to a podcast. So it’s really finding the healthy version of yourself, and it’s different for everyone.
Dr. Cam (26:04.241):I think what’s so key here, and you mentioned this, is that when we’re taking care of ourselves, and we’ve got those moments where we’re able to be calm, we’re able to be a little bit happier, our kids are going to love that way more than us being there 24/7 in a bad mood. That’s not… they don’t want us there. Teenagers do not want us there. They actually want their own time too. A lot of parents are so focused on all their kids all the time. I’m like, you know what? Your kids don’t want you overshadowing them all the time. They want independence. So now’s a great time to go find yourself something else to do to distract yourself from being on top of your teen all the time.
Ali Flynn (26:46.254):Absolutely. And that’s something I would say my husband and I did as our teens were growing up. When they were having more independent time with their friends or in their rooms, we actually just sort of sat down and said, okay, they’re on FaceTime. They’re going to be on FaceTime for a good hour. Let’s go take a stroll in the neighborhood. They’re going out to dinner with their friends or playing mini-golf, going to a movie, whatever it might be. You know what? Why don’t we have a date night?
So, or, you know, if my husband’s not home, I’ll go on a walk by myself or I will catch up with somebody. Because what am I going to do? For a long time, I did this. Right? When it was my eldest, and she was entering the tween years and becoming more independent, I would just sort of wait. I’d wait for her, and I’d wait on the couch. But then I was getting frustrated because I’m waiting and I’m waiting, and I’m like, well, it’s been so many hours.
But it would have been much better for me to fulfill those hours of her independence doing something for myself independently. That took some time for me to learn. And that’s why I always want to share with moms, right? Like, you don’t have to sit on the couch and wait. It’s not selfish for you to go do something and then come back and regroup and reconnect with your teen.
Dr. Cam (27:53.745): The other thing that we spend a lot of time doing, and again, I speak from my own experience, is we spend an awful lot of our energy and time worrying. A lot of it. And I think there’s this false sense that we’re doing something productive when we’re worrying. We are not.
Ali Flynn (28:21.358): We are not. I am that warrior, middle-of-the-night warrior. And that is not productive on many levels. And it never gets me anywhere. Never. And you know what’s so funny? I wrote a writing piece probably two years ago. And it was really about my connection with my oldest daughter, who’s now 21. And it was really about all of those moments and things I worried about that were really nothing to worry about. Because now, where she is now and where we are, it was really more about our relationship and connection with one another. It was one of those reflections of, if I knew then, I wouldn’t have worried about that. Because now I see where we’re at and where we’ve evolved to. And why did I waste so much time perseverating and ruminating at two, three in the morning, losing my sleep? Right? Because then that just causes a rabbit hole for the next day also. So yeah, we really need to let go of some of the worry.
And I don’t really know how to, and I don’t know how to advise people to. I think it’s… you know, I think, but I also look at myself and say, I’m a worrier. But I also have friends who worry way more than I do. And I have friends who worry a little bit less than me. But it’s interesting. And I’ll always pose the question to my husband as well: Like, well, are you worried about that? He’s like, no.
Dr. Cam (29:51.409): I don’t worry enough sometimes is what I’m worried about because I have given my daughter so much… like, I believe in her so much. I’ve learned to trust her and trust the process. No failure is going to happen, and we’re going to figure it out. But then people will be like, are you not worried about that? I’m like, should I be worried about that? And then I think, well, worrying about it is going to do what? What we’re worrying about, it won’t do anything. Right?
Ali Flynn (30:02.764): Right. And that’s where I’m at with my twins, who are my youngest. Because I have four. Now with my twins, they’re seniors. And I feel like, ew, I’m like, wait, should I be worried about that? I’m not worried. Why am I not? And then they have friends who… a lot of my girlfriends’ eldest are my youngest. And they’re worrying up a storm, but they’ll call me to calm them down. It’s like, I don’t know. Like, I think I would have been worried if this was my first, but with wisdom and experience, I’ve realized that with this particular situation, there’s no reason to worry. It’s going to be okay, it will work out. Yes, things could come about and there are failures or whatever happens, but we learn from it and move on. And even now, I see with my third and fourth, I am not even worried about them in the college process.
With my first one, my throat was closed. I felt like I could barely breathe. And now I’m like, you’re going to be just fine, right? You’re going to have struggles, that’s normal. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to be okay, I’m not worried.
Dr. Cam (31:30.577): We’re going to figure this out. And I think, again, we don’t know if everything’s going to be okay. We can’t, but worrying about it isn’t going to change whether or not it’s going to be okay. That doesn’t change it. So instead of doing that, it’s like, if you’re in a good state of mind, and you’re in a healthy spot and you’re taking care of yourself, then whatever comes, you’re able to cope with it and support it, which is a lot more helpful than being so tense and worried that by the time something happens, you don’t have the capacity or bandwidth to deal with it in a rational, reasonable way. So I think right there, it’s like, I get it. Worry is not rational, but it is something that I want people to really reflect on because we’re fooling ourselves thinking we’re being productive and being effective by doing it.
Ali Flynn (32:25.518): Not at all. And I think with my first one, my worry put more stress on her. And then my second one, there was less stress on her from my decrease of worrying. And now, my third and fourth, they’re not as stressed about… I don’t want to say about anything, but I think my stress levels are so much lower that it just brings a commonality of being a little bit less anxious in the house. Now, I wish I had one for my oldest son.
Dr. Cam (32:55.761): Yeah. What I'm seeing with that too is it's not, I think we also confuse sometimes stress and anxiety with motivation and passion or that push. And what I've seen is when we remove that anxiety and that worry, what shines through is the passion and the motivation, because now they're not burdened with that. So I've seen that with my daughter too, where she turns to me and looks to me, and if I'm believing in her and I'm not anxious, she believes in herself and goes for it, rather than being anxious about what might happen. And I've just seen that over and over again, and it's absolutely incredible. Do I have worries inside? Heck yeah! But that's my worry, not something I put on her.
Ali Flynn (33:48.6): Exactly. Yeah. I try to do the same thing as well. And I see the benefits of it. I mean, it is unreal. When we have that belief and we model that you are capable, you are independent, you have this, right? And we keep some of our quiet inner thoughts of worry inside. And I have four daughters. They go for it. Right? They don't hesitate. And they'll ask me, "Mom, what do you think?" I'm like, "Absolutely, right, but don't be impulsive. Think through it, right? Let's go through all the parameters." But absolutely, you could totally do it. And I think it just shines in so many ways. Whether it's when they're in high school or as they get into college. You know, I even have my daughter, who just recently came home from being abroad for five months. And what I saw in her, that growth—I knew she had it, but my gosh! The growth of being away from even her university, from home, traveling to different countries. Did I worry at times that she's traveling to Morocco or Amsterdam, and all these places? Yep, I did, but I zipped it because I knew she had it under control.
Dr. Cam (35:06.609): Yeah, it is. My daughter just did her first trip to New York. She's 18, did her first trip to New York City by herself from Virginia. And I, you know, I was like, "I'm watching you. I'm just going to let you know, you're going to be on Life360. I'm going to text you every once in a while, but I just want you to know, this is my fear. I believe you can do it." And she did. She was great. She had a great time. She just had one experience that blossomed her. If I had led into my fear and said, "No, you're not going," or "I'm going to go with you," or any of those, I would have deprived her of this amazing experience. So it's hard.
Ali Flynn (35:44.974): Yeah, right. So taking our fears aside as moms and our worries, to let them grow. They need that growth. And if we don't allow that and sort of let them go and experience, it's a disservice to them. We are holding them back. And that was sort of a vow I made to myself as a mom early on: I'm not going to hold my kids back. Right? Even if it's not something I personally would do, if they want to do that, I'm going to listen to them and I'm going to let go and trust that they know.
Dr. Cam (36:23.505): I want to circle back because now I'm thinking people are listening to this and starting to feel guilty if they're not doing this. So, right? So I want to circle back to this. This is not meaning that if you have been afraid or holding back or doing any of these things, or continue to do that, that is a reason to feel guilty. It's a reason to be reflective and just say, is this where I want to continue going? That's it.
Ali Flynn (36:51.798): Be reflective and think to yourself, how can I move forward and evolve with my teen in the stage that they are in? And what do I have to do to allow that to happen?
Dr. Cam (37:04.817): That's big. It does, which takes some time, which is great because that takes away time from us worrying about our kid.
Ali Flynn (37:06.414): Use that time to reflect, maybe when you're doing some deep breathing or you're taking that walk, because you can't have this reflective time as you're rushing to get dinner on the table or you're driving carpool to and from places. Right? You just need a little quiet time and you will figure it out. And if you talk with other moms and you gain some advice as to how to do that, then more beautiful of a situation, right? You've been transparent, you've been honest, you're probably meeting up with another mom who's struggling with it too, and you can move forward together and support each other.
Dr. Cam (37:54.225): I love that. All right, Allie, what is one big thing you want parents to step away with from this interview?
Ali Flynn (38:02.926): I really want moms to just know they are not alone. Right? When you are in sort of the trenches of motherhood, and especially those teen years, which can be really ugly at times and brutal, you are not alone. Everybody else is going through it as well, even if they are not showing it or saying it.
Dr. Cam (38:24.657): 100%. And Ali, how can people find you?
Ali Flynn (38:28.334): You can find me on my website, Hang in There Mama, Instagram, Facebook, lots of places.
Dr. Cam (38:35.141): All the places, and we will put those links in the show notes for sure. Ali, thank you so much for joining us and giving us so much encouragement. I appreciate it.
Ali Flynn (38:44.43): Thank you for having me. It's such an honor.
ABOUT THE SHOW
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.
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