Thursday Jun 06, 2024

How to Relieve Mom Guilt and Find Peace in Motherhood: Essential Tips for Busy Moms

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, we’re joined by Ali Flynn, the founder of Hang In There Mama. Ali shares invaluable insights on how moms can find peace and joy in their motherhood journey while overcoming feelings of guilt. If you're a mom feeling overwhelmed or guilty, this episode is a must-listen!

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

How to overcome mom guilt and unrealistic expectations
Why self-care and self-love are crucial for moms raising teens
Practical tips for finding moments of quiet and decompressing as a busy mom
How to let go of excessive worrying and trust your teen’s abilities

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

Moms often feel alone and not good enough, but remember, you're not alone—many other moms are navigating the same struggles.
Guilt in motherhood stems from societal expectations of perfection, but it’s time to let go of comparing yourself to others.
Prioritize self-care and self-love to feel fulfilled and be a positive role model for your children.
Simple self-care activities, like deep breathing or taking a walk, can help you decompress and recharge.
Let go of excessive worrying about your teen’s choices and trust in their ability to grow and learn independently.

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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Hang in There, Mama 6-WEEK GRATITUDE JOURNAL for MOMS RAISING TWEENS, TEENS, and YOUNG ADULTS!

EPISODE CHAPTERS:
00:00 - Finding Peace and Joy in Motherhood
04:34 - Overcoming Mom Guilt and Unrealistic Expectations
08:15 - The Importance of Self-Care and Self-Love
12:26 - Practical Tips for Prioritizing Self-Care
26:29 - Letting Go of Excessive Worrying

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Ali Flynn

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam (00:00):
Hey parents, ever feel completely drained like there's nothing left in the tank for you or your kids, but the idea of me time triggers guilt? You're not alone. A whopping 80 % of moms wrestle with this, but what if we could ditch the guilt and find peace and joy in motherhood? That's exactly what we're tackling today. I'm joined by Ali Flynn, the mastermind behind Hang In There Mama. Ali understands the unique challenges of raising teens. We're going to get into real actionable tips to help you ditch the guilt and carve out moments to recharge even with your crazy schedule. Because guess what? A happy, healthy you means a happier, healthier family. Allie, welcome to the show.

Ali Flynn (00:41.198):
Thank you so much. It's such an honor to be on with you.

Dr. Cam (00:44.017):
First I want to hear what inspired you to launch Hang in there, Mama.

Ali Flynn (00:51.15):
Honestly, it really came down to I wanted to share with people all of the encouragement and inspiration that I really wanted to hear myself, that I wasn't hearing all the time. I felt really alone at times in my motherhood journey. I felt really lost. I felt not good enough. I didn't sometimes know what I was doing, but I felt like we're in this perfection mode of being a mom and how do I actually offer that honesty up to people. And I just wanted moms to know that you are not the only one, you are not alone in this. We are all sort of struggling along this journey at times. And you know, you don't have to feel lost within it.

Dr. Cam (01:35.665):
Yeah, I think it's so important and I love that you're putting out there that support because you're absolutely right. And I think especially when our kids get into the teen years, we feel the most isolated because I think there's this belief that we should have it figured out by now. So we're afraid to ask for help, but raising teens is not raising kids. It's a whole new skill set.
And so asking for help, I think realizing other people are struggling with it gives us permission to ask for help. Are you finding that?

Ali Flynn (02:10.286):
Exactly, exactly. And I feel like you're spot on with that in the sense of a lot of moms when they enter the teen years with their kids, they completely hibernate, they retreat, they stop sharing, they stop talking. Oftentimes, you know, it's that tween years of entering the middle school time where you're not at the elementary school anymore, you're not at the bus stop, you're not at the birthday parties. So you lose some of the engagement unless you have sort of created a sort of a basis of friends and a network that you can rely on. But then if you don't have that, you sort of feel alone, but you also don't feel comfortable sharing everything and being honest. And then you have sort of part two, which is as our teens grow up you want to give them their privacy, right? When they're little and they're not reaching milestones, you can sort of share that information. But now you have teenagers and what are parents going to maybe share with their teen and then it gets throughout the school. And so it just becomes this vicious cycle at times. So sort of knowing that other people are going through it and really believing that allows you to be more transparent and get the support you need.

Dr. Cam (03:13.649):
Absolutely. It’s a fine line because you do want whatever your team tells you and whatever's going with your team to be confidential between you and your team, but how do you get help that way? So how do you find a safe network of people that you can trust with that information that can give you that insight back that's not going to feel like you're betraying your teenager? Like it is, it's this whole complicated thing.
What's interesting when you're describing what moms do, particularly, and we're particularly talking about moms, because I think we burden a lot of the guilt, which I'm still confused why we get more guilt, but I think that's just mom, women in general, like to take on guilt. But it's interesting the way you were describing what moms do is exactly how we describe what our teens are doing, where we're like hibernating and we're hiding, and it's that same sense of just protection. So.

Ali Flynn (04:17.74):
Exactly.

Dr. Cam (04:18.673):
Now we're going and saying, hey, you're not alone. That doesn't relieve our guilt and it doesn't make our lives less crazy so that we can take care of ourselves. So let's talk about first the guilt. Where does this guilt come from?

Ali Flynn (04:34.926):
I truly believe it comes from everything that we are being fed through society. We as moms are being fed that we have to be perfect. We have to have everything aligned. We have to know at all moments, every single day, 365 days a year, what we are doing and know with complete trust that we are doing the right thing.
And it's just unrealistic. It's an unrealistic expectation on women, on mothers. It's an unrealistic expectation for our children to think that we're perfect. So I think it becomes this trap of we are fed this through what we read, what we see on TV, what we see in movies. So how do you get out of it?
Right. And then you go down that path and that rabbit hole of comparing yourself to other moms, comparing yourself to what you see on social media as you're scrolling. And it just, it's such an unhealthy concept that we have to get out of. And I think the only way to get out of it is by really being open and honest with each other as moms and, you know, letting go of some of that protective barrier and saying like, this is what I'm going through or am I the only one? And see sort of what happens and sort of create that village for yourself of moms who are willing to be transparent.

Dr. Cam (06:02.225):
I think a lot of parents think that what they're going through is completely unique. And yet I'm sure you hear this too, but in what I do, I hear the same concerns and complaints and worries over and over and over again. And so because they are common struggles that we have at this stage because of the stage and because of just what you said is this view of what that's supposed to look like. And I think, I always talk about we're concerned about the impact of comparison and social media on our kids. And I keep seeing that. I think it has more negative impact on us as parents on our expectations down to our kids. Because I have parents all the time tell me, well, everyone else has a, no, they don't. They do not have it figured out. But then we put down those expectations and expect our kids to be a certain way which then changes how we parent because we don't have the ability to be as compassionate because we're more fearful. Do you see that as well?

Ali Flynn (07:04.558):
Right. You know, and I see we're comparing ourselves in so many ways, just like our teens are doing, right? So moms are comparing what we look like to how we're behaving, to what vacations are we going on? How are we incorporating fun into our kids' worlds, right? But we're forgetting that this is just a presence. This is not reality. This is what people put out there isn't truth all the time, right? So why are we sucking down that trap that we don't want our kids to go down, right? So it's sort of like we need to get our self together and recognize this so we can model it for our own kids.

Dr. Cam (07:39.409):
I think the other thing that we juggle is this, you know, this good enough mom, which I think there's this falsehood that that just means we kind of just give up in a way. Like we're just going to, this is what it is and we're just going to deal with it versus this, we're not going to be perfect, but we can still grow and learn and be better. How do we separate the growth from the guilt?

Ali Flynn (08:15.822):
Well, I always talk to moms about how we are on this journey evolving over and over and over again. We are not the same mom that we were when our child was born, when they were infants, toddlers, teens, or even young adults, right? And older adults. We have to change with them. We have to learn. We have to grow. And if we don't do that, we're going to get caught in this trap. And if you get caught in that trap, you do feel not good enough because you are also not evolving. But the concept of not feeling good enough, it's like such nonsense to me, right? Because we are good enough and we know we're good enough, but we are taking in all these negative messages and believing that we're not good enough. So it's really just stopping that path and believing and supporting ourselves through self-love and self-care to then model for our kids that they also are good enough, right? Not for them to feel that way, not for them to get caught in this vicious cycle. So I think there's so many layers and elements to this. We could probably talk for hours about it.
Right? And you see it all the time. And it's just really, it's something that I'm so passionate about because we have to change the narrative.

Dr. Cam (09:27.185):
I think it's the difference between being good enough and not, not being good enough and not knowing enough. We are good enough, but there's always more we can know. I mean, you and I do this day in and day out and I'm still reading books every day. I'm still taking classes. I'm ex, I'm interviewing experts like you. I still don't know everything. So there's no way for us, that doesn't mean I'm not good enough, it just means I've got lots more I can learn. There's nothing wrong with that.

Ali Flynn (10:05.982)
And I think also, we're always evolving, we're learning, right? We're growing, we're growing along with our kids. But we also have to recognize that we have to expand, right? We have to allow ourselves to recognize that we are good enough, and we are good enough for our family, right? So that's sort of also where my mindset shifted. I did this change and said to myself, rather than thinking I'm not good enough for the whole world, it doesn't matter about the whole world. This is my family of six, and I'm going to do for my family of six what I know they need from me. And I'm not going to worry about the neighbor next door. I'm going to care for my neighbor next door, and I will worry about them. But I'm not going to invest my time in over-analyzing what they are doing in comparison to what I'm doing, because I'm the only one who knows what my particular kids need. Focus on that, right? Do what is right for your family and ignore the chatter of what everyone else is doing.

Dr. Cam (11:06.179)
I think a lot of that chatter is chatter we make up too. The fear of what we think they may be thinking, and then we get stuck in that, and that kind of gets us down that trap. And I think the other thing to just consider is when we admit and take accountability that there's more we can learn, that doesn't say that what we have done in the past has been failure. We've done the best we could with everything we know, and that's okay. But we can always know more if we want to change the dynamic. That's all there is to it. That's not saying we failed. It's just saying we still have room to go. So now we're going to slowly but surely—because this is a difficult thing for us to do—let go of guilt because we were born and raised to embrace it. Let's be real. And we are passing that guilt burden onto our kids in many ways as well. But how do we now model taking care of ourselves? Because I think this is the other thing where we tend to sacrifice our own well-being for the well-being of our kids. And Ali, tell us why that does not work long-term.

Ali Flynn (12:26.99)
Yet this is something that it took me a long time to realize. And it took me a long time to recognize that I personally was doing this, right? I had this thought that being a good mom and being a good enough mom meant that I was completely 100% selfless. I was selfless. But that selflessness caught up to me, right? So here I was, a younger mom, giving, giving, giving, overly giving, but it turned into sort of self-sabotage. And then, as I'm giving, I'm becoming more hostile. I'm retreating. I'm getting upset about the littlest things. I don't feel enough, but I also don't feel fulfilled. And it's sort of this dynamic where I love being a mother, but I'm not feeling fulfilled at the same time. And why is that happening? It's this dichotomy that I have to think about. And I think I'm a very reflective person. So I could sit back and say, wait a second, this is not what being a mom is about. Being a mom does not mean completely getting lost in just my family and not focusing on myself at all. And being a mom doesn't mean being completely selfless because what am I modeling to my kids?

I have to model to my kids that I have to take care of myself. I have to love myself because if I don't model that for them, who is going to? And I want my kids to love themselves, have self-care, be functioning adult men and women who also love themselves. So I got really lost for a long time, and I felt just trapped at times. And it took a while for me to figure out what to do. And it was slow baby steps for me that I had to incorporate self-care back into my, really, my daily and weekly routine that I let go of for so long.

Dr. Cam (14:28.721)
It's hard to shift that mindset. I think that mindset is so ingrained in us. And then how do you balance this need for, yes, we do have a responsibility to take care of our kids and take care of our family, and that is an enormously hefty job. So how do you balance that with still saying, but I still need to take care of myself without going, well, now I'm going to be selfish and put me first, which means now I put them second? Like that's kind of, we kind of feel like it's one or the other. How do we find that middle ground?

Ali Flynn (15:05.358)
Right, and this is, yeah, and that's where the mom guilt comes in, and that's where the "I'm not enough" comes in. Because when we are selfless, we feel like, what are we also receiving, and we feel lost. But when we're doing something for ourselves, as moms, we often feel selfish. But self-care and self-love is not selfish. It's not selfish. It's something that we have to do for ourselves. We are human beings, right? We're moms, but we're also still humans who have passions and things that we need to fulfill ourselves and fuel ourselves. So it's really finding that balance, which again, is hard as a mom and especially hard if you are a working mom, especially hard if you don't have a lot of family nearby, if you are divorced, if you are single. The list goes on and on.

It is hard to find that balance, but I try to just share with moms, you know, this isn't about taking a spa weekend retreat. This isn't about spending a lot of money. It is truly about sometimes just finding even three minutes of quiet time. And that's it. Three minutes of quiet time just to settle your brain, maybe hop in the shower, go outside on your front yard, take a few deep breaths. It can be simple. That time just to regroup and pause, life-changing.

Dr. Cam (16:34.801)
It's interesting too, because we do get very worried about how much time our kids are spending on their phones and that this is not good for our mental health. Yet I see parents spending a lot of time on their phones and not having enough time to take care of their own mental health. And it's prioritizing, I believe, right? Because there's—and I'm guilty of this. I'm not saying I don't—I spend way too much time on my phone, you know, and doing things like that going, wait, I could be putting this down and going for a walk. I could be doing those things that take care of me rather than spending time doing this. So how do we become more cognizant of how we're prioritizing our time and how we're using it to take care of ourselves? What are some of the things that we know? You got to take a walk and you got to eat well, and we kind of just go, we know that, we just don't have time. We still don't feel like we have time. How do we change our mindset and find that time?

Ali Flynn (17:42.67)
Well, I think one of the things you could do is really set up some boundaries for yourself, right? And say, okay, I'm going to recognize I like to scroll a little bit. I need to scroll. It's a mindless activity. I like to not think for a little bit, but I'm not going to do it for two hours. I'm going to give myself a limit, maybe 15-20 minutes, and then I'm going to fill in the blank of what will fulfill you and what is mentally healthier for you. Similar to what we do, a lot of us do with our kids. I know I do this, and it took me a while to figure out, but helping them find that balance.

Hey, I've noticed you've been on your phone for an hour or so. Do you wanna go do something? Even if it's, do you wanna go run an errand with me? Or I'm heading on a walk, right? Do you wanna come with me? Or I'm going to go walk the dog. Do you wanna join me? And you can find simple things. I'm about to make dinner. Would you like to help? Just to get them off, but without it being like a demand, a punishment, you know, really talking about the care of yourself while balancing the phone.

And I remember during the pandemic, I had four teenagers. I had two eighth graders, a 10th grader, and an 11th grader. Those phones were an appendage to their hands, and it would drive me crazy. And I would just talk to them, and then that would happen. And then I would get, you know, feisty about it and I would, you know, just talk over and over again. They would get annoyed with me. And I remember one day with one of my daughters, I was like, let's go to your screen time. Let me show you your screen time as a visual. Her screen time was off the charts. But I think, like, it took her breath away because she didn't realize when those hours pop up, she didn't realize really how many hours she was on until those numbers appeared. So sometimes you just need that visual also to show you the truth of it, because when you're scrolling, time flies by. You're not even recognizing it, right? When you're walking or exercising, you know the time. It was like five minutes.

Dr. Cam (19:44.145)
It does. How much more? And Ali, one thing I love about this too is I think when we're transparent about finding time to do things for ourselves that are good for us and saying in front of our kids, my gosh, I'm getting stuck on my phone again. I know I do this with my daughter. I'm like, my gosh, I just spent way too much time on TikTok. I need to go take a walk. And I'm not saying to her, you've spent too much time on TikTok. You need to go take a walk. I'm saying, I've spent it, I'm going to go take a walk, hey, do you want to go with me?" Now it's a whole different thing. It's not about you're doing something bad. It's like, I want to improve myself and my health. I'm just going to share that with you so you're aware of it as well and can start thinking that, like, how much time have I spent?

Ali Flynn (20:37.806)
Right, well you're role modeling, and then you're essentially putting that little seed in the back burner for her next time maybe to say to herself, have I been on too long? Maybe I should meet up with a friend or go on a walk or whatever they wanna do. It's planting those little seeds.

Dr. Cam (20:39.889)
They're big seeds. I mean, they grow big. They grow into oak trees eventually. So tell us a few tricks that you might have on what are some really effective ways when we just have moments of time that we can use it really effectively to just kind of decompress, maybe release some of that dopamine, just feel a little bit better.

Ali Flynn (20:57.044)
I'm sorry. I have three go-tos that have always been my go-tos. One, and I mentioned it before, is breathing. It doesn't mean you have to go into a 20-minute meditation, but simply taking three deep breaths. It could be going into the bathroom and running some cold water on your face or on your wrist to calm down and taking three deep breaths. It could be going out on your backyard or on your front porch and just breathing as you like soak in some vitamin D and sunshine. It could be being in your car and just taking three deep breaths in and out. It will do the trick, right? It calms you in moments of stress, sadness, any type of emotion, or even if you just feel like you're not grounded in that moment, it will ground you.

So that's one thing. I personally meditate every day, or I try to meditate every day if I can, but that's about 20 minutes. But if I don't have that time, it's just three deep breaths. And I actually do it every night. As soon as I put my head on the pillow, even I take three deep breaths before I close. I close my eyes, take the three deep breaths and just exhale everything from the day. And it just allows me to feel like I'm releasing everything from that day to start new for tomorrow.

The second thing that I tend to also do is I walk a lot. And it doesn't even have to be a fast walk. Sometimes I just walk up and down my driveway. I happened to have to take my father to a doctor's appointment recently. I walked in the parking lot and I listened to a podcast. So I try to listen to sort of meditative music or a podcast, something that is going to either soothe me or, again, like what we're talking about before, I'm gonna learn something from it.

The other thing I also do is I journal a lot. So it doesn't have to be pages upon pages. You don't have to have the stress of it, but I just journal, right? I can actually, sometimes I'll use a journal that's blank and just basically word vomit all over the page, whatever I need to say. Other times I use journals that have some prompts. It's sort of dependent on my mood, but I don't stress about it, right? So I used to be an English teacher for middle school. So many of my students hated to read and they hated to write. And the reason why is because they were forced to do book logs, journal entries. And then I think as people move forward, they still have like a negative connotation sometimes, like it's gonna take up so much time or what do they have to do for it? It's an obligation. But if you look at it as it's just healing or word dumping to get off your chest what you need to move forward, it's very soothing.

Dr. Cam (24:13.681):
There are so many different things we can do to find that thing. Like, my thing right now is painting the adult paint-by-numbers. Have you done those? Oh my gosh, I was doing coloring, and now I'm doing the paint-by-numbers because I'm doing the whole Taylor Swift poster for my daughter. It's so relaxing, and you’ve got something at the end of it to show too. So just finding that thing that lets you calm your brain. Breathing, to me, works amazingly too. I know people roll their eyes at it, but man, there’s nothing easier and faster to calm down with than just deep breaths. Huh?
Ali Flynn (24:48.802):
Yup. And you can do it anywhere. You can do it anywhere, right? Yeah. But it’s true. It’s finding what brings you some peace, whether it’s doing some yoga moves, breathing, journaling, walking, running, painting, or coloring. It could be anything. Even watching TV for a few minutes in silence, right? By yourself. So it’s really… and again, it’s not about finding large chunks of time away from your kids. Because I know when you’re a younger mom with younger kids, it’s harder because you’re so inundated with your kids. But as your kids become teens like mine, and even in college, I do have some more time to incorporate. And I will tell you, I am a healthier mom now than I was when my kids were younger. Because I was really in that mindset of I have to be so selfless, or I feel guilty leaving them. Or when they’re watching a little TV show, I should sit on the couch and watch with them. Well, no, I don’t need to do that. I could be in the next room maybe doing some exercise, breathing, journaling, or maybe calling a friend or listening to a podcast. So it’s really finding the healthy version of yourself, and it’s different for everyone.

Dr. Cam (26:04.241):
I think what’s so key here, and you mentioned this, is that when we’re taking care of ourselves, and we’ve got those moments where we’re able to be calm, we’re able to be a little bit happier, our kids are going to love that way more than us being there 24/7 in a bad mood. That’s not… they don’t want us there. Teenagers do not want us there. They actually want their own time too. A lot of parents are so focused on all their kids all the time. I’m like, you know what? Your kids don’t want you overshadowing them all the time. They want independence. So now’s a great time to go find yourself something else to do to distract yourself from being on top of your teen all the time.

Ali Flynn (26:46.254):
Absolutely. And that’s something I would say my husband and I did as our teens were growing up. When they were having more independent time with their friends or in their rooms, we actually just sort of sat down and said, okay, they’re on FaceTime. They’re going to be on FaceTime for a good hour. Let’s go take a stroll in the neighborhood. They’re going out to dinner with their friends or playing mini-golf, going to a movie, whatever it might be. You know what? Why don’t we have a date night?

So, or, you know, if my husband’s not home, I’ll go on a walk by myself or I will catch up with somebody. Because what am I going to do? For a long time, I did this. Right? When it was my eldest, and she was entering the tween years and becoming more independent, I would just sort of wait. I’d wait for her, and I’d wait on the couch. But then I was getting frustrated because I’m waiting and I’m waiting, and I’m like, well, it’s been so many hours.

But it would have been much better for me to fulfill those hours of her independence doing something for myself independently. That took some time for me to learn. And that’s why I always want to share with moms, right? Like, you don’t have to sit on the couch and wait. It’s not selfish for you to go do something and then come back and regroup and reconnect with your teen.

Dr. Cam (27:53.745):
The other thing that we spend a lot of time doing, and again, I speak from my own experience, is we spend an awful lot of our energy and time worrying. A lot of it. And I think there’s this false sense that we’re doing something productive when we’re worrying. We are not.

Ali Flynn (28:21.358):
We are not. I am that warrior, middle-of-the-night warrior. And that is not productive on many levels. And it never gets me anywhere. Never. And you know what’s so funny? I wrote a writing piece probably two years ago. And it was really about my connection with my oldest daughter, who’s now 21. And it was really about all of those moments and things I worried about that were really nothing to worry about. Because now, where she is now and where we are, it was really more about our relationship and connection with one another. It was one of those reflections of, if I knew then, I wouldn’t have worried about that. Because now I see where we’re at and where we’ve evolved to. And why did I waste so much time perseverating and ruminating at two, three in the morning, losing my sleep? Right? Because then that just causes a rabbit hole for the next day also. So yeah, we really need to let go of some of the worry.

And I don’t really know how to, and I don’t know how to advise people to. I think it’s… you know, I think, but I also look at myself and say, I’m a worrier. But I also have friends who worry way more than I do. And I have friends who worry a little bit less than me. But it’s interesting. And I’ll always pose the question to my husband as well: Like, well, are you worried about that? He’s like, no.

Dr. Cam (29:51.409):
I don’t worry enough sometimes is what I’m worried about because I have given my daughter so much… like, I believe in her so much. I’ve learned to trust her and trust the process. No failure is going to happen, and we’re going to figure it out. But then people will be like, are you not worried about that? I’m like, should I be worried about that? And then I think, well, worrying about it is going to do what? What we’re worrying about, it won’t do anything. Right?

Ali Flynn (30:02.764):
Right. And that’s where I’m at with my twins, who are my youngest. Because I have four. Now with my twins, they’re seniors. And I feel like, ew, I’m like, wait, should I be worried about that? I’m not worried. Why am I not? And then they have friends who… a lot of my girlfriends’ eldest are my youngest. And they’re worrying up a storm, but they’ll call me to calm them down. It’s like, I don’t know. Like, I think I would have been worried if this was my first, but with wisdom and experience, I’ve realized that with this particular situation, there’s no reason to worry. It’s going to be okay, it will work out. Yes, things could come about and there are failures or whatever happens, but we learn from it and move on. And even now, I see with my third and fourth, I am not even worried about them in the college process.

With my first one, my throat was closed. I felt like I could barely breathe. And now I’m like, you’re going to be just fine, right? You’re going to have struggles, that’s normal. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to be okay, I’m not worried.

Dr. Cam (31:30.577):
We’re going to figure this out. And I think, again, we don’t know if everything’s going to be okay. We can’t, but worrying about it isn’t going to change whether or not it’s going to be okay. That doesn’t change it. So instead of doing that, it’s like, if you’re in a good state of mind, and you’re in a healthy spot and you’re taking care of yourself, then whatever comes, you’re able to cope with it and support it, which is a lot more helpful than being so tense and worried that by the time something happens, you don’t have the capacity or bandwidth to deal with it in a rational, reasonable way. So I think right there, it’s like, I get it. Worry is not rational, but it is something that I want people to really reflect on because we’re fooling ourselves thinking we’re being productive and being effective by doing it.

Ali Flynn (32:25.518):
Not at all. And I think with my first one, my worry put more stress on her. And then my second one, there was less stress on her from my decrease of worrying. And now, my third and fourth, they’re not as stressed about… I don’t want to say about anything, but I think my stress levels are so much lower that it just brings a commonality of being a little bit less anxious in the house. Now, I wish I had one for my oldest son.

Dr. Cam (32:55.761):
Yeah. What I'm seeing with that too is it's not, I think we also confuse sometimes stress and anxiety with motivation and passion or that push. And what I've seen is when we remove that anxiety and that worry, what shines through is the passion and the motivation, because now they're not burdened with that. So I've seen that with my daughter too, where she turns to me and looks to me, and if I'm believing in her and I'm not anxious, she believes in herself and goes for it, rather than being anxious about what might happen. And I've just seen that over and over again, and it's absolutely incredible. Do I have worries inside? Heck yeah! But that's my worry, not something I put on her.

Ali Flynn (33:48.6):
Exactly. Yeah. I try to do the same thing as well. And I see the benefits of it. I mean, it is unreal. When we have that belief and we model that you are capable, you are independent, you have this, right? And we keep some of our quiet inner thoughts of worry inside. And I have four daughters. They go for it. Right? They don't hesitate. And they'll ask me, "Mom, what do you think?" I'm like, "Absolutely, right, but don't be impulsive. Think through it, right? Let's go through all the parameters." But absolutely, you could totally do it. And I think it just shines in so many ways. Whether it's when they're in high school or as they get into college. You know, I even have my daughter, who just recently came home from being abroad for five months. And what I saw in her, that growth—I knew she had it, but my gosh! The growth of being away from even her university, from home, traveling to different countries. Did I worry at times that she's traveling to Morocco or Amsterdam, and all these places? Yep, I did, but I zipped it because I knew she had it under control.

Dr. Cam (35:06.609):
Yeah, it is. My daughter just did her first trip to New York. She's 18, did her first trip to New York City by herself from Virginia. And I, you know, I was like, "I'm watching you. I'm just going to let you know, you're going to be on Life360. I'm going to text you every once in a while, but I just want you to know, this is my fear. I believe you can do it." And she did. She was great. She had a great time. She just had one experience that blossomed her. If I had led into my fear and said, "No, you're not going," or "I'm going to go with you," or any of those, I would have deprived her of this amazing experience. So it's hard.

Ali Flynn (35:44.974):
Yeah, right. So taking our fears aside as moms and our worries, to let them grow. They need that growth. And if we don't allow that and sort of let them go and experience, it's a disservice to them. We are holding them back. And that was sort of a vow I made to myself as a mom early on: I'm not going to hold my kids back. Right? Even if it's not something I personally would do, if they want to do that, I'm going to listen to them and I'm going to let go and trust that they know.

Dr. Cam (36:23.505):
I want to circle back because now I'm thinking people are listening to this and starting to feel guilty if they're not doing this. So, right? So I want to circle back to this. This is not meaning that if you have been afraid or holding back or doing any of these things, or continue to do that, that is a reason to feel guilty. It's a reason to be reflective and just say, is this where I want to continue going? That's it.

Ali Flynn (36:51.798):
Be reflective and think to yourself, how can I move forward and evolve with my teen in the stage that they are in? And what do I have to do to allow that to happen?

Dr. Cam (37:04.817):
That's big. It does, which takes some time, which is great because that takes away time from us worrying about our kid.

Ali Flynn (37:06.414):
Use that time to reflect, maybe when you're doing some deep breathing or you're taking that walk, because you can't have this reflective time as you're rushing to get dinner on the table or you're driving carpool to and from places. Right? You just need a little quiet time and you will figure it out. And if you talk with other moms and you gain some advice as to how to do that, then more beautiful of a situation, right? You've been transparent, you've been honest, you're probably meeting up with another mom who's struggling with it too, and you can move forward together and support each other.

Dr. Cam (37:54.225):
I love that. All right, Allie, what is one big thing you want parents to step away with from this interview?

Ali Flynn (38:02.926):
I really want moms to just know they are not alone. Right? When you are in sort of the trenches of motherhood, and especially those teen years, which can be really ugly at times and brutal, you are not alone. Everybody else is going through it as well, even if they are not showing it or saying it.

Dr. Cam (38:24.657):
100%. And Ali, how can people find you?

Ali Flynn (38:28.334):
You can find me on my website, Hang in There Mama, Instagram, Facebook, lots of places.

Dr. Cam (38:35.141):
All the places, and we will put those links in the show notes for sure. Ali, thank you so much for joining us and giving us so much encouragement. I appreciate it.

Ali Flynn (38:44.43):
Thank you for having me. It's such an honor.

ABOUT THE SHOW

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.

#parentingteens #selfcareforparents #drcamcaswell #theteentranslator

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