Tuesday Nov 19, 2024

Is My Teen a Monster? Understanding & De-Escalating Intense Emotions

Dr. Cam sits down with Leslie Cohen-Rubery, a clinical social worker, to tackle one of the toughest challenges parents face—handling teens with intense emotions. If you’ve ever felt like your child’s outbursts are out of control or completely illogical, this episode is for you. Leslie shares insights on emotional regulation, validation, and how to de-escalate heated moments. They also discuss why parents shouldn't try to "fix" their teen’s feelings and how reflection and repair after conflicts can strengthen your relationship.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

Why your teen’s emotions aren’t as irrational as they seem
The biological and social factors behind emotional outbursts
How validation can calm a crisis and improve communication
The power of witnessing emotions without rushing to fix them
How to repair after a conflict and strengthen your connection

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

Your child's intense emotions aren’t a reflection of your parenting. Feeling guilt or shame doesn’t help—understanding does.
Validation is a game-changer. Acknowledging your teen’s emotions without judgment helps them feel heard.
Your teen's brain is still developing. Their reactions may feel extreme, but there’s often a biological and social reason behind them.
Don’t rush to fix their emotions. Sometimes, just sitting with them in their discomfort is the best support.
Conflict can lead to growth. Post-conflict discussions should focus on solutions, not blame, to strengthen your relationship.

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EPISODE CHAPTERS

00:00 Understanding the 'Monster' in Our Teens
04:06 The Roots of Intense Emotions
09:45 Navigating Emotional Turbulence
14:00 Effective Strategies for De-escalation
20:01 Post-Conflict Reflection and Repair
30:09 Building a Strong Parent-Child Connection

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Leslie Cohen-Rubery

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell

THE FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam (00:01.902)

Hey parents, if your teen is prone to outbursts or dramatic reactions, this episode is for you. Joining us today is the insightful Leslie Cohen-Ruberry, a licensed clinical social worker with 39 years of experience supporting families. Leslie is the creator of the podcast, Is My Child a Monster? Where she helps parents navigate the often rocky waters of parenting.

In this episode, Leslie is going to share some effective strategies for addressing our teens' monstrous emotions. Welcome, Leslie.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (00:35.759)

Well, hello, thank you Dr. Cam for having me today.

Dr. Cam (00:39.264)

Absolutely, let's start with, I always like to start with the backstory. How did you come up with the title and the idea of, is my child a monster?

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (00:48.987)

Well, it's very real. And that's actually a piece of advice I might talk about later when we talk about how to be with our kids. It's about being real. So parents would come to me and in that very first session, they'd sit down and they'd say, is my child a monster? Like they really were upset and it upset them to ask that question. They felt guilty, they felt shame. Sometimes it was even more extreme. Is my child sociopathic? And I'm like, my heart broke. And I said, no.

And that is what I say every time I have not met a monster, every time a parent comes into me and says, is my child a monster? So it was very real. I heard it over and over again. And then when I thought about doing a podcast, said, I can't do anything but that title because you know, it's so powerful. And what it is, it's no, your child is not a monster, but they may be misunderstood. And that's the whole premise behind the podcast. That's where it came from.

And that's what therapy is about. some parents don't feel like their child's a monster, but many, many parents worry about their child and they don't understand their child. So it includes really all parents, not just the ones who think their child's a monster.

Dr. Cam (02:01.482)

I love that and I think that is this ongoing fear that parents have saying, my gosh, did I mess my kid up? Is there something wrong with my kid? Is this normal? What are some of the behaviors you see the parents group into the term monster?

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (02:08.15)

Well, the biggest one is what you sort of announced in the introduction, which is these big, intense emotions. Like a child having, one of my episodes is where the child is having a meltdown because the parent threw away or lost their acorn. And so from a parent's mind is you've got to be kidding me. You're having a meltdown over an acorn where there's literally thousands outside, we can go get another. So parents would, it's that's very typical. So intense emotions, like you wanted to go see that movie, why can't, why are you having a meltdown before we go in? These are all examples from, you know, podcast is like, parents get confused over, it feels like illogical, intense reactions and intense behaviors. So throwing things.

You know, withdrawing, won't talk, won't, you know, anything like that. When we get to teenagers, the behaviors get a little more scary and so do the emotions. So we're talking about teens who may be self-harming, may be extreme in their language to the parent. These power struggles get very intense. So it's usually intense behaviors or intense emotion.

Dr. Cam (03:39.212)

First of all, parents, if your kids are acting this way and you have this fear, which I know a lot of you do, take a deep breath. We're going to talk about it and there is an explanation behind it. And when there's an explanation, there are solutions. So let's start first with some explanation. Where are these big overreactions over something seemingly ridiculously small? Where are they coming from?

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (04:06.883)

Well, that's a long answer, but the short answer is your child is in emotion mind. And much of the skills that I'm going to talk about today come from dialectic behavior therapy. I am an intensively trained dialectic behavior therapist. and these skills are incredible for regulating emotions and disray and, also behavior. So dial the first thing is we want to recognize when our child is in emotion mind, because in that moment.

When the child is feeling that they are an emotion mind, which is an illogical, intense, often hot, heavy, you know, kind of experience. For the question that's a little bit larger context of where is this coming from, we have both a biological makeup and an environmental or social component, which is, you know, who your child is when they're born. And that part, we don't change. That part, we need to accept that this is who they are. We're not fixing their biological makeup. So some children are born highly, highly sensitive. They feel things intensely, whether they notice someone crying three blocks away or, you know, at the other end of the room or in the classroom or something like that. They take on, they feel other people's emotions. get, they may get overwhelmed by stimulation, by just being in a crowded place, why are they hesitating to go to a birthday party that they really wanna go to or go visit their friend. And so there's the biological piece that parents often wanna change, but we really need to remember acceptance is one of the more important strategies to actually teach and use. And then there's of course the social environment.

If your child, if you have one of these sensitive children and you're trying to get out of the house with your teenager and you're screaming at them, come on, I gave you 15 minutes, let's go, let's go. And you just like, there's nothing in your mind that says, why is this kid not getting out of the house? It's time to go to school. They're always late. When you get that kind of frustration and then you convey that because we're all human and it is frustrating. So when the parent is feeling that kind of frustration,

they may be conveying to the child unintentionally, you are bad, what is wrong with you? How come you can't do this? Or even if there's not that there may be a few siblings in the house and that child is the only one that's struggling. you know, everybody else is out the door catching the bus, whatever, they're there, they're doing it, they're struggling. And so they may think that they are a monster. They may think that they are bad. And that's the environment which is what does the fit look like between the environment and who this person is?

Dr. Cam (07:01.342)

And Leslie, I think it's really important to point out that when we start reacting to our kids this way and they start responding this way, we start actually defining who they are and how they see themselves. And so when we act like they're a monster, we start feeding into them becoming and believing they're a monster, which just makes it worse. So I, right. So I think.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (07:27.865)

And it's behaviorism. It's reinforcing exactly what they see.

Dr. Cam (07:31.028)

It is exactly what we're trying to stop. And I think a lot of parents do because they're trying to say, I'm pointing out what's wrong with you, so you'll fix it. And the problem is that's not how it works. Because if they could fix it, they would have.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (07:48.943)

Right? No one wants to be feeling this way. No one wants to show up like that. I mean, no, I was the one in my family having those tantrums. there's, you know, it's not you. And yeah, it's not like we wanted to be that way. And that's what parents forget that. They forget. Yeah. When I gave the title, didn't realize, I'm just, I'm healing those childhood wounds because I was that monster child, even though I didn't call myself a monster. I just said I was bad.

Dr. Cam (07:58.072)

Ditto.That was a pain in the butt.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (08:17.549)

And bad is a feeling of shame and shame is very, very toxic. It's very often. It is an unjustified feeling that I labeled myself because the world didn't get me. I had my learning disabilities. had these intense emotions. was highly intense behaviors and highly sensitive and you know, no fault, but nobody really got me. And that's what the podcast is about. And that's what we're doing here today is to help parents understand who your child is.

Dr. Cam (08:50.114)

Yeah. So the first step is realizing they're not doing this on purpose. They're not doing it to make your life miserable. And us getting upset does not hurry them. It slows them down more. So a lot of times we get this anxiety and we just get louder and more and more and we got to go, we got to go. And when we do this, we're actually slowing the process down. So

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (09:16.559)

Right. Well, I think there's a lot of pressure on parents and I write the pressure to not have this moment, to teach your child. Like if I don't do this now, what will my child be like? And a lot of our fear is driven by future oriented pressure. Like I have to teach my child. Well, I fire many parents from that job. I actually say, can I fire you because I have another job for you. And that other job is to see your child for who they are and give them that information. Well, I noticed getting out of the house is really hard for you. So it's observing and describing. Those are two mindfulness skills that we teach in DBT. Those observe and describe what you see. Give your child that information. That is the most important job as a parent is to give your child the information about who they are. and how they show up in the world. Wow, I noticed, yeah, go ahead.

Dr. Cam (10:17.312)

And, no, I just wanted to add to that. When you said that, there was no adjectives put into it or subjective thoughts to it. Like you're lazy and you're this or you're, it is just the facts of you are not getting out on time. No, nothing else.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (10:37.039)

Yeah. And here's the thing. I'm a very intense person myself. So when my child was having their big reactions or whatever, I needed to calm myself down because I was the one. So when we notice a name, I am now working very hard to actually stay in my wise mind so that I don't get absorbed into their wise mind, into their emotion mind at the moment. So when I say, well, I noticed you're having a big reaction.

I noticed that you're yelling at me. I noticed that you actually said you hate school. It's real, it's in the moment, and it often helps both the child and the parent sort of like wake up and say, yeah, that's what's happening right now. And then you can figure out what the next step is. So observing and describe is a very important skill to actually help us deal with those big emotions.

Dr. Cam (11:35.246)

I love that because it not only gives them the language, it also gives you the language and resets your expectation of what's going on and changes. Because when we have a story which we create about what's going on and we respond out of that story, which 9 times out of 10, probably 9.9 times out of 10 is wrong, we're responding in a very ineffective way.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (11:57.243)

And what you just said I want to reinforce, which is parent and children need to learn these skills, especially teens. And I, every year I run what's called a multifamily DBT group. And a multifamily group means you have a parent or two parents or caregivers and the team in the group. And most teens come and say, I don't want my parent in the group. I said, watch out, they're going to get more out of it than you are. And the parents who join the group actually get their eyes open up there, you know, and for the team, they're thrilled to see their parent learning something. They are actually and I know they're taking stuff away too. you know, everybody's taking these skills away when we're in the group together, but the teens love to see their parents learning it. So the idea that you are learning the same thing and the same language of these three states of mind, I'm in emotion mind, you're in emotion mind, I need to take a moment to get myself into wise mind. You know, that's the difference between emotions in the back of your brain and the prefrontal cortex where you can problem solve. You can't problem solve when you're in a state of emotion and that's a mistake parents often try to do is when their child is screaming, let's solve this problem. That is not the moment to solve, no.

Dr. Cam (13:14.168)

going to happen. Yeah, that's when we just take the phone out of anger and then it's not accomplishing or teaching or doing anything at that point. We're just making it mad. So I think let's let's talk. So now parents are probably on the edge of the seat going, OK, now tell us then what do we do if we can't yell and we've got to stay? We're going to try to stay calm. We need to know what to do. And I think it's a real challenge with teenagers because they are not open to our suggestions at this point. So please tell us, what do we do when we're in that moment and what are some things first and then what are some things we can do to prevent us from getting in that moment, which is way easier than trying to get out of the moment.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (14:00.796)

Absolutely. There is an ABC or an ARC kind of, we can do things beforehand, we can do things during, and we can do things after. in the moment, we'll go back later to what we can do beforehand, but in the moment, one of the most, you know, so we started off by saying, become aware that you or your child is in emotion mind. And then I sort of asked myself a question, whose problem is this?

If the child came to me upset, it's their problem. Why am I going to get in there and make it my problem? So I have a metaphor that's a little bit graphic. And if anyone is very queasy, please turn down your volume. But the idea that if your child was throwing up because they had a stomach bug, you would want to go and help them, but you would not say you can throw up on me.

That would be ridiculous because once they throw up on you, now you no longer can be help. You have to go shower yourself. You have to change your clothes. You got to clean up. It's like, and you're disgusted. So you're not helpful anymore. But if you hand them a bucket, you can, because you realize they're sick. I need to help them. But you keep yourself that one step removed and you hand them a bucket. Now you can be helpful. So the metaphor says, ask yourself, whose problem is this If it's their problem, I have to be able to witness, and this is the hard part, I have to be able to witness my child being uncomfortable. And parents, I see a lot of parents having difficulty with that. They are really, really uncomfortable. They don't want their child to be uncomfortable from a very young age. So they're trying to smooth the road. Well, when you get to a teenager and you can't smooth the road anymore, then you get it. you know, like hit it like a slap in the face. It's awful because you can't fix it in the moment. And they are going to be, you know, they're going to feel these intense emotions of feeling left out or not good enough with their peers or at home or whatever it is. And so parents have to witness the pain that their child is in. And so you need your own system of support and grounding yourself and just remembering that it is their problem.

And the way we fix it or the way we help them is to actually respect them to say they can handle their problem. Even if you think they can't, still say that to yourself. I have faith that my child can handle their problem. And I know everybody wants it in the immediate. Right now I want my child to handle their problem. I want it to go away, but… It's a much more open your hands and be willing to accept the discomfort of the moment that's gonna be there until it passes and it will pass.

Dr. Cam (16:55.374)

So what do we do in the meantime? Because doing nothing is probably the hardest thing for parents to do. We want to do, we want to fix. Do we just stand there and let them act out? What if they're acting out violently or yelling or what do we do?

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (17:15.909)

So the one way to deescalate, one of the most effective ways to deescalate or to actually just with just a very effective skill is using validation. Validation acknowledges what is going on, what is happening, what your child is feeling, thinking, how their behavior, validation does not mean agreement.

So if I validate my child who is yelling at me, it doesn't mean I okay it. It doesn't mean I'm saying it's okay. I can validate you are so angry that you think the only thing you could do right now is to scream at me.

So when we validate what is going on for our child, it can begin to deescalate it because I'm not adding fuel to the fire. And validation is simply stating what you see, sort of a little bit of that observe and describe, but it's that what I said about being real. It's letting your child know. So some parents will say to a teenager, I see that you're, you know, see that you're really, it sounds like you're really angry.

Okay. And they get even angrier. Right. Sometimes it works and it brings them down goes, yes, I'm so angry. I, know, I'm really, really angry. And other times they just get angrier. So if validation works, it's going to deescalate the situation. If validation doesn't work, because by the way, validation is in the eye of the beholder. So the person who's receiving it. Yeah. The person receiving the validation has to feel is validating.

Dr. Cam (18:50.381)

That's a good point.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (18:56.613)

So if they get louder and they get more upset, I would say very quickly, wow, what I just said felt more invalidating, even if I'm trying to validate you. So then I would, then that's when I go, they just want, know, hey, this situation sucks. This situation is really miserable. They don't want me to tell them how they're feeling. They want me to be on their side and just say, and I don't have, again, I don't have to agree with them. This really stinks.

We are so quick to try to fix everything. Slow down and just see where your child is. Just slow down and be in the pain with them. And we don't wanna do that because we think we're gonna make it worse. I think I use a clip for, didn't even see the movie, but I use a clip from Inside Out one, part one, where, or the first one, where there's a very good example of actually being there and naming the sadness or naming the pain or naming the anger actually reduces it, it doesn't increase it.

Dr. Cam (20:01.41)

Yeah, I think what's hard is when we see kids especially swearing at us and saying things like that. think it triggers us to say, a second, I as a parent should not be talked to this way. This is not okay. I think we're not saying that that is okay. We're saying that's not the moment that you're going to make any change. If you try to teach and correct and fix that language and say that's not okay and get upset with how they're exhibiting their anger in that moment, you're just gonna get more of it. So this is something we're in the moment. We're not going to teach, we're not going to folks fix, we're going to validate and we're gonna deescalate. That is our only job, right?

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (20:49.893)

Right. Right. And that is a a winning plan. That is parents think I'm not letting them get the best of me. I'm not going to let them do that. Well, then you actually enter the power struggle. They baited you and you got baited. And so I say to parents, kids are really good at baiting us. They know how to supposedly push our buttons by the way we don't have buttons, but kids know what to say.

Not because the manipulative, by the way, I do not look at teenagers and manipulative. I look at kids as doing the best they can with the skills they have. And in that moment, they need you to understand that. And if they're upset and then they get you upset, well, they got you to understand they're upset. So can you do that by again, stepping away and giving them a little space because giving them a little space and saying, I'm here.

I see that you are in emotion mind. see that you're yelling at me and you're trying to communicate to me, you know, go below the surface. When they're yelling at you, don't stay up on the surface and get caught in the, that's where you get baited. Go below the surface and say, wow, if you're yelling at me this way, you must be in a lot of pain. You must be feeling so horrible that you can yell at me or you want me to know something. Hey, can you take a breath and let me know what you're trying to tell me?

I, another thing that I say, I bait them. I really want to hear what you have to say. What you're doing right now doesn't work for me. I don't speak yelling language. I don't, I can't understand this. So I'm here. I want to hear what you have to say. It's very important. Can you find a different way to say it? I'll give you space. I'll give you time.

Dr. Cam (22:37.922)

Yeah. I think what's important, Leslie, is if we go and try this today and you've been in a mask and your go-to has been yelling and getting caught up into it, it's not gonna work beautifully for the first, second, third time because your kids are still expecting you to get upset. This is something that you have to do over time. So a lot of parents will go, well, I tried that once. It didn't work. I'm gonna go back to the yelling which has not worked hundreds of times. So I really want to encourage parents when you hear skills like this, they're not something that magically changes. It's something you have to be consistent at and you have to adapt and learn. But when we're always yelling and showing our kids we can't regulate our emotions, we're not going to be able to teach them to regulate theirs.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (23:32.591)

Right, right. And one day your child's gonna turn to you if you use the language of emotion mind and don't overuse it, they will not like that. But when you use it, they will turn one day to you and say, mom, you're in emotion mind. And you will not like hearing that, but they're right. Right, they know it.

Dr. Cam (23:51.938)

Yeah. yeah, my teen has told me, we don't use emotion mind, but my teen has definitely pointed that out too. And it's important because we both need, when you get in that emotional state, you kind of lose your smart mind, right? A little bit. So it's good to kind of have that touchstone. Okay. So we're calming and we're deescalating by really not adding is what our goal is.

What do we do afterwards when our kids have been completely rude and nasty and said stuff that we are not okay with? How do we address that now without starting it up again?

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (24:32.471)

Okay, so at that point afterwards, sometimes, you know, there's three approaches, you let it go. There are some families where they have to process everything, you know, and it's and the children are exhausted because and that's why they don't want to talk to you because everything needs to be processed. So a small percentage of it is let it go. It's over. Okay. Well, I'm not gonna let my child get away with it. You think they let you know my child who was had such difficulty and had big emotions, she still feels shame at 34 years old for the way she treated her family, you know, and been apologizing to that. And they don't forget. So if you let it go, it's only because every once in a while it's okay to let some things go. On the other hand, there is a good amount of time where I want to sit down and say, hey, can we look at what happened? Now, most of the time, when people wanna look at what happens, it's like for further punishment, as opposed to, or blame. You said this and I, know, and so instead if we adopt a perspective, and this is what we do in DBT again, is we say, hey, let's look what happened so we can figure out what we can do different next time. And it's called looking for synthesis and solutions for changing behavior.

So I would, and this is what I would do way in advance is, hey, I'm gonna do something new. Instead of when things don't feel good or you behave in a way or I behave in a way that we're not happy with, I would like to come back, take a short little five minute, that time makes them feel like you're not gonna lecture them for two hours. I'd like to go over for five minutes just what happened, what can we do different? Not what happened so we can blame not what what happened so we can judge but what what happened so we can look at doing something different. Okay.

Dr. Cam (26:36.302)

Yeah, that's so important because I think often we approach it as what can you do differently next time? What should you do differently next time when the dynamic required both of us?

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (26:50.745)

Right. So you might now I've started with my started young with my grandchildren. I did with my kids, but I didn't know all this as much with my kids who are 37, 34, 34. So I'm doing it with my grandchildren where, you know, big, intense emotions, highly sensitive kids, and they're listening. But if you already have a team who you haven't had the opportunity to do some of this with, It's probably best to start with yourself. So if you sit down and say, I'd like to go over what I could do different, that did not feel good to me. Even if your child was the one with big emotions, they feel safer coming to you and listening, hey, I just want to share with you what I'd like to do different. You might have a suggestion for me. I might have a suggestion and let you know what I'm going to try different. Next time that happens, I'm going to say, I'm getting an emotion mind, I'll be back. I'm gonna go calm myself down and I'll be back and I'm gonna come back to deal with you. Then they learn that you're dealing with your emotion, which is setting a fantastic example for them. So that would be something you could do initially is to share what you would do different. And absolutely, if they're open to it, I would say, do you wanna go over anything that you might do different?

And then finally is sometimes we need our children or ourselves to make a repair because damage was done. You said hurtful things. I said hurtful things and there are consequences. We're not ignoring those consequences. You have to, you know, I can understand why you might have said hurtful things. You were really in pain and now there are consequences. We still need a repair. So what does that repair look like? And I talked to my child with respect about hey, how do you want to how do you want to do a repair? We can sit here and do a little work about what we'd want to do next time. That's a repair. We could say that you want to take on one of my chores. I water my plants every Saturday morning. Maybe you want to take on one of my chores and water my plants for me. That's a repair. So we can we can offer something. And I think when we come generously to our children and invite them into the conversation and treat them with respect, then we more likely will get cooperation. I know not all kids will give that cooperation because they're angry and they're very hurt and they're very angry and they've got that wallet. They don't feel like they can willingly participate. And sometimes with those kids, it does take time. You need to create a connection so that they will feel like they're more willing to do something. We have to turn from conflict to collaboration. And so sometimes this goes into the before. Sometimes we need to do things when things are fine and work on building the sense of collaboration, building a sense of connection, because then the repair can go so much smoother. And if you have such trouble with the during and after, then it may be that you need to look at before I'm disconnected from my child.

And that's what most of these ruptures are about. They're like letting you know that there's no connection. So a lot of it is about prevention, is setting it up. So we reduce the number of, the amount of conflict.

Dr. Cam (30:25.068)

I think that's the most important piece that if you're constantly in conflict with your teen, it is not an issue with your teen. It is an issue with your relationship with your teen. So when we get upset and punish our teen for their part of a broken relationship, what is that telling them to? And we're not taking ownership or accountability for our part of it. And I see this a lot in my practice and teens are like, if my parents can't do anything or change anything and they want me to do all the change. No way. I'm not going to do that. That's crazy. Like they're the ones that need to change because they're mean to me and they say nasty things to me and they don't get me and they don't listen to me and I just have to fight for everything. And they're like, they're, they don't feel heard. And so when we take the time and I think the hardest is when our kids are being ugly to us, this makes it even harder for us to take a step back and try to connect with them because we are so resentful and angry at them.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (31:34.96)

It's, know, again, I really want to say to parents as you hear this, we're not blaming you because I look, look at, you know, being a parent is extremely challenging. It is going to bring up our own areas that of wounds and weaknesses that we need to work on. Just a very simple example is one of my daughters was extremely literal. Well, my brain doesn't work that way. When I say I'll be home in five minutes, you better give me plus or minus 10 minutes. But she said, you know, if I came home at six minutes, she said, mom, you said you were going to be home in five minutes ago, you know, in five minutes. And so I'm like, that would drive me nuts. And I'm like, okay, that's about the fit. So we do want to remember that there's no judgment. I'm not right. And she's wrong or she's not wrong. And I'm right. You know, it's, it's not about right and wrong. It's about the fit and you know, my older son, I was a go, go, go. I love being out. I love being on the go. I love doing things. He was a homebody. He didn't want to go all the time. I missed that. did, you know, in truth, the child that's intense and letting you know that they're upset, that's the one that's going to be okay. They know how to express themselves. It's the quiet one that he went along and he was a people pleaser. He took care of me by saying, I'll go, I'll go.

But I missed the fit and I missed the fact that he wasn't, he was a teenager who I was pushing and he was an easy going kid and, but, and he was a people pleaser. So he didn't give me a hard time, but my heart breaks because I miss understanding that piece of him. you said children need to be heard and understood. That's the point of my podcast. We need to hear and understand them. And all the examples that I give in the podcast are all about that. That's what we're working on with children. We're working on the fit. And the other thing, when it's up to us to start changing, it was so hard for me to bite my tongue and not say what I wanted to say. So parents, I'm with you. I know how satisfying it is. I love intense emotions. I love yelling. I came from a family where yelling was okay. You know, it was all fun. I married someone who does not, there was no yelling in his family right, from his background and upbringing, there was no yelling. So we had to get used to that, that I had to bite my tongue. I had to hold the horses back and I had to really resist what my urges, my urges were like, I wanna yell at her. And I did a skill in DBT called opposite action. She doesn't deserve to be shamed and you should be better, you should do this.

She was highly sensitive and so I worked very, very hard letting her have her moment thinking she's right. I did. I let her think she was right a lot of the time growing up because I knew my truth. It wasn't a power struggle for me to believe myself. It's just I wanted to correct her. And that's where I would get in trouble. And that's where parents are getting in trouble. We think we have to fix our children now. Remember they have a lifetime for figuring out that they're not always right.

Dr. Cam (34:57.258)

No, and I think the more important thing at this point is not fixing them and making them perfect, which they will never be. It is fixing our relationship with them so that we have, so they have that foundation of trust and respect and safety with us. Even when they go off into the real world, they're still coming home and they still want to be around us. I think that is the most important and we are sacrificing that very important piece that we need to help them thrive by trying to fix them and argue with them and yelling at them and doing things that actually undermine everything that we need to be doing as a parent. And I want to go to when you were saying this is not about blame. I think it's not about blame. think what was important for us as parents to realize is that parenting is a very crucial skill set that has to be learned and it has to be practiced. It's not our fault that no one teaches us this, but if we know that that's out there, it is up to us to go learn how to do it and be the best parent, because we don't want to wing it and just leave our kids while being up to chance. That's scary to me.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (36:09.403)

Right, right, exactly, exactly. And you were just talking about something I wanted to go back to. What was that? When our child is, if we don't get them, and it's very hard for a parent who is struggling because their child is not making the changes they want them to make, I often say connect to your child in another way, like,

I, there was a period of time when my daughter was pretty depressed and wouldn't listen to the skills, by the way, growing up, whenever I gave her a skill, she would often respond to me that stupid, that doesn't work. Okay. Right. What I, and parents keep, they nag and they keep saying, you have to use the skill, you have to use the skill. What I recommend is imagine that you're planting a seed because seeds take time to germinate.

Dr. Cam (36:50.668)

Yes, that happens all the time with teenagers.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (37:06.267)

And it may take 10 years before you actually see that seed germinate and come up. But I promise you parents, and my daughter called me up at 22 years old from Thailand where she was working at the time and said, mom, you have to tell the parents and the kids those skills really work. So she was the one who was telling me that it was stupid, it was stupid, it was stupid. And I didn't really know it was gonna work because this is the first time I was a parent, right? And I would say the skill and leave it.

Your children hear everything you say. So don't keep going. Believe that what you say is getting in there and that it's short and sweet and you have more chances of being successful at that point. And as I said, connect to your child in other ways. So if you can't help them regulate their emotions, connect to them in whatever way you can at the moment. If it's that they like to be wrapped up in a blanket and sit in their room all day. Talk about the blanket. Is this your favorite? What's your favorite blanket? know, like don't and actually be real and share with them real life things. Like, you know, one, you can actually get kids to deescalate not, you know, because you and someone else in the family may be talking about something really important or something really interesting and they stop having, you know, they deescalate in order to hear what you're talking about. So be real and show them that there's life outside of this big emotion. And that not everything has to be focused on their emotions and their behavior, like broaden their perspective and see them in a greater context, because there's a lot happening. Right? They may get really angry because there's injustice in the world. Great. Talk about that. And let them teach you maybe you don't know about what you know. So. Your kids have these, have these sparks and it's our job also to see that because sometimes all we see is what they're not doing and all of that. But if you go back and you remember your three year old who used to take apart all their toys or take apart the vacuum or take apart the, you know, whatever, go back to that. Think about some of the skills and things that you saw when they were little and try to connect to those parts.

Dr. Cam (39:29.782)

Yeah, love that. So Leslie, what is one big action item you want parents to be able to walk away with from this episode?

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (39:42.731)

I was going to say planting the seeds, but I already said that. so the idea that you offer your child a skill, an idea, a teachable moment, but then you let it go. So offer it, whatever you have to offer your child, put it out as if it's a buffet and let them choose and let them pick it up and decide when it's right for them to learn that skill, to use that skill, and then try teaching that skill to yourself and modeling it.

Dr. Cam (40:18.254)

I was gonna say it's even more impactful if they see you doing it rather than telling them to do it and then you don't do it yourself.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (40:23.789)

Absolutely. There is so much work that even with my adult children now, they are comfortable enough giving me feedback. And the reason why they're comfortable enough for it, because I had to learn not to be defensive. And parents who get feedback from their kids is, mom, you always tell everybody whatever I tell you. You know, you, I try to tell you something and then you go blab it to your sisters or you go tell everybody else. To hear that is painful. but to be able to say, what's the message, not how are they delivering it. They may not be skillful in delivering it. So my one takeaway is take the feedback and actually allow yourself to be open and willing because then through the rest of their life, they will continue to come and talk to you. And my kids continue to give me feedback. I welcome it. It still has that little sting to it, but it allows us to be so connected.

And I think that's what parents want. They want that relationship as their children grow. Remember, teenage years are gonna pass. So what's gonna continue is your relationship with them. so, yeah, try to do that. Try to be open and willing to hear the feedback so that you can model the changes.

Dr. Cam (41:45.078)

I think the number one thing kids tell me why they get angry at their parents is because their parents don't listen. So that's a, and that's the number one reason parents get mad at their teens, because they're not listening. No one's listening. Yeah, so we got to start. We got to start the action. So Leslie.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (41:57.141)

Exactly. Is that no one's listening. Exactly. And validation is the key to listening. It proves that you're listening. So that just takes us back to the beginning where we said validation is so important.

Dr. Cam (42:11.618)

That's exactly right. It always comes back to that. Always comes back to that. Leslie, thank you so much for joining us. How do people find you?

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (42:20.431)

So my name is Leslie Cohen-Rubery, R-U-B-U-R-Y, and that's my website that has lots of resources. You can find my socials through my name, Leslie Cohen-Ruberry. And then Is My Child a Monster is either on my website or anywhere where you find podcasts. by all means, I encourage people to listen to get many, many more skills in how to help you understand your child. Bye.

Dr. Cam (42:47.95)

I will put all the links in the show notes so you guys can find that. Leslie, thank you so much for joining us today. I really appreciate your insight.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (42:50.351)

Beautiful.

Leslie Cohen-Rubury (42:55.727)

Thank you and thanks for what you're doing where these resources are wonderful for parents.

ABOUT THE SHOW

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast delivers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help parents strengthen their relationship with their teens. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior, communication, or emotional regulation, this podcast offers actionable solutions to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding.

#parentingteens #emotionalintelligence #teenmentalhealth #parentingtips

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