Tuesday Nov 12, 2024

How to Overcome Parenting Overwhelm: Manage Stress & Support Your Teen Without Burning Out

Parenting teens is exhausting, overwhelming, and—let’s be honest—frustrating. But what if the key to handling it all isn’t about controlling their behavior? In this episode, Dr. Cam and Heather Chauvin dive into the power of self-care, emotional intelligence, and shifting your parenting mindset. Learn why focusing on your own growth and well-being can actually make you a more effective parent—and create a healthier, more connected relationship with your teen.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

Why parenting teens feels so overwhelming—and how to manage it
The surprising link between self-care and parenting success
How to stop perfectionism from sabotaging your parenting
The game-changing shift from control to curiosity
Simple strategies to strengthen your connection with your teen

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

Parenting teens can be emotionally exhausting—taking care of yourself helps you show up better.
You are more than just a parent—self-identity matters.
Perfectionism is a coping strategy—not a personality trait. Let it go!
Curiosity is key—observing instead of controlling leads to better communication.
Self-respect influences how your teen treats you—it all starts with you.

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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

📖 Book: Dying to Be a Good Mother by Heather Chauvin

EPISODE CHAPTERS

00:00 Navigating the Challenges of Parenting Teens
02:58 Heather Chauvin’s Journey to Empowerment
06:11 The Importance of Self-Identity in Parenting
08:56 Managing Overwhelm and Perfectionism
11:58 The Role of Self-Care in Parenting
15:03 Shifting Focus: From Control to Curiosity
17:55 Energetic Time Management for Parents
20:53 Creating a Healthy Parent-Child Dynamic
24:01 Embracing Emotional Intelligence in Parenting
26:59 The Power of Self-Respect and Connection

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Heather Chauvin

Website: HeatherChauvin.com
Instagram: @HeatherChauvin_
YouTube: Heather Chauvin
Podcast: The Mom Is In Control Podcast

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam

Parents, let's face it, parenting teens can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. We're constantly juggling their mood challenges and the pressure of guiding them through some of the most difficult years of their lives and ours. The weight of always trying to say the right thing, keep the peace, and manage our own stress can lead of us feeling drained and overwhelmed. So how do we support our teens without burning out?

That's why I've invited Heather Chauvin to join us today. Heather is a leadership coach who helps successful women break free from the overwhelm and live, work, and parent with courage and authenticity. She's been featured in Forbes, Entrepreneur, and Real Simple Magazine. And she's here today to share strategies to help us lighten the emotional load, manage stress, and stay grounded so we can show up for our teens without losing ourselves in the process. Heather, welcome.

Heather Chauvin (00:56)

I'm so excited for this conversation. Thank you.

Dr. Cam (01:00)

Me too. So let's just start with your backstory. I love doing that. How did you get into leader leading women and getting into that?

Heather Chauvin (01:08)

Well, it's actually funny and not so funny because teens, I have three boys, they're 19. Next month will be 15 and 12. And I'm incredibly passionate about raising this specific generation of teens because, or this age group. Because I was a teenager when I actually became a mother. I was 18 years old and that was my first cracking into personal development in my first moment as a mother, as a human, and as a small child or a young adult coming into the world, just with hitting that primal fear of not wanting to feel like I'm failing as a mother. And I remember looking at my son thinking, I don't want to become a statistic. I don't want us to become a statistic. And I need to do whatever I can in my power to become the adults that I most desire you to be. And the pendulum kind of swung where I was this overwhelmed, anxious teenager who wasn't behavioral. I didn't act out. I kind of retreated. And because I kind of swung the pendulum, of course, my nervous system was not regulated. And I started to become the overachiever. And I went and got a social work degree. I did all the things, I was checking the boxes. I was looking outside of myself for validation of like, am I good? Am I good? Is this what a good mother does? Is this what a good woman does? And internally, I felt like I was dying. Like I could just feel the burnout. I could feel the burnout and exhaustion, but I was like, this is not sustainable. And I knew that at a young age. And I had the whereabouts with me to ask for help, as we should. I went to therapy.

I went to the doctors and I started doing the traditional things and the feedback I was getting was like, like we were talking about the problem, but I wasn't getting like solutions to fix the problem or like I say fix, but like tools to implement and a strategy to physically like head in the right direction. I felt completely lost and like I was begging people to help me and the feedback was kind of like, this is adulthood, suck it up buttercup, you know, this is motherhood and But a part of me just wouldn't accept that. Fast forward, after leaving my corporate job as a social worker, I decided to really be the change I wanted to be in the world or make the change. And I started my podcast, started my business. And then I was diagnosed with a stage four cancer. My body was bleeding like please take care of yourself. I didn't understand the signs and symptoms and all the things. And that was, had nine years of personal development under my belt. I also had nine years of conscious parenting research and starting to help people see and understand their children's behavior. And it was, it was that moment where I was like, ladies, because I was primarily talking to women, like we need to stop just solely focused on the child and the child's behavior because we are part of the equation because at the moment I would hear feedback from my clients, cause I was a coach and they would say things to me like, I don't have time to implement this. My marriage is falling apart. My career is falling apart. I'm chronically overwhelmed. I'm feeling depleted. And I was like, okay, but we're focused over here. And then I was like, we need to look at both sides of the coin, both sides of the equation. And that was over a decade ago. Since then still helping women with the exact same issue, but at a different level and really supporting them to feel whole and fulfilled and alive and energized both at home and in their work.

Dr. Cam (05:11)

I think a lot of people are going to be relating to this because that sense of overwhelm and needing to be perfect in every aspect of our lives. And women have so many different parts of their lives that they feel the need to be perfect in. And I think when it comes to parenting, especially with parenting teens, and all of a sudden we have the teen dynamics to deal with, a lot of us do feel like we're completely failing. And I see parents that will push that aside and just focus on what they're good at, right? So they just kind of blame the teen, go, that's the problem and I'm gonna focus here. Or they're so focused on trying to fix it and not being able to that they just start crumbling a little bit. So how do we get to a place, first of all, where we get into a good head space about who we are as a parent and what that looks like to be successful as a parent?

Heather Chauvin (06:11)

Yeah, I think we need to stop labeling ourselves as mother or parent and start labeling ourselves as a human being because when we're putting them, we're over identifying with our labels and our roles and we're under identifying with who we are as a person and that we actually have basic human needs that are not being met to be seen, heard, love, understood. mean, freaking hydrated sunlight, like meals.Like the basics are not being met. And so I can identify with this in my own journey of like, who am I without being a mother? But the second your child turns a teen or you're starting to notice those hormonal changes, I mean, we had quite the time during COVID, like raising my oldest teenager, and it can be a shock to your system and you're gaining momentum, right? And you're like, what am I doing wrong?

And I think we have to stop making it about us and start being curious and observant as to what is actually going on in front of us. We take things so personal because we care so much. And I don't think we can argue with any parent that you don't love your children, right? Sometimes we have to learn how to manage that love because if we're not managing it or having boundaries with it, we're actually over -nurturing and over -compensating. And so whether it's overwhelm or perfectionism, so I always tell people like, write this down. Perfectionism is a coping strategy. It's not a personality trait. You don't say I'm a perfectionist. It's like you cope with perfectionism And when you can see you cope with perfectionism, you can see that as the blanket, as the mask. And then you begin to become curious as to why you do what you do. And again, overwhelm is a symptom. So if you are overwhelmed, that's a symptom. That's not a way of being. It's not a lifestyle. We do not need to accept feeling a certain way just because it's normal. And so cancer taught me that, but even way before that, I had this thought as to like, why do I need to feel like crap just because I'm a mother? Why do, and the reality is like going from the journey of, I mean, my son's almost 20 now, realizing that.

What actually saved me and helped my son going through the most difficult time and transition in his life was the fact that I had the mental, emotional and physical and spiritual capacity to hold him in his most vulnerable transition from childhood to adulthood. And that is, I just remember thinking again and again, damn, if I didn't do this work before I would be experiencing way more overwhelm in my life going through this transition and that saved me. But it is that belief that taking care of our needs takes away from other people. It's kryptonite to success in parenting.

Dr. Cam (09:40)

I think there's almost this badge of honor people wear when they are so overwhelmed and busy. Like we say it as though it's like a brag, like, my gosh, I've got so much, when we're just haggard and exhausted. So I think first of all, that's almost like if we have it together, it's like, well, why aren't you doing enough kind of thing? Like you're saying no to stuff, who do you think you are? So I think there's this misconception of what it means to be a successful and involved parent and what that looks like. So the first thing is really separating that out. So in your mind, what does it look like to be a healthy, successful parent when it's not overwhelmed in doing everything?

Heather Chauvin (10:39)

So, okay, so number one, you said something that when we're complaining or we're wearing busy as a badge of honor or we're trying to connect, it's the first thing that happens when you go to a kid's sporting event or you're hanging out, like in mom groups. I'm using mom in general, it can be parents in general. But you see this look in their eyes and their eyes get a little bit bigger and they're like, are you suffering like me?

Are you struggling like me? Because as human beings, we desire connection and belonging. And sometimes we're over identifying our suffering and our challenges with each other. It's like a little trauma bond, right? Like, are you struggling like me too? I just want to make sure that, you know, we're all in this together. And I'm always like, yes, and I want to have the opposite conversation. So.

I want to tell a quick story. So when I was diagnosed with cancer and I tell people that was like a bump in the road for me, but that's not who I am and it's not my whole story. So maybe you haven't had a health diagnosis, but maybe there's something else in your life that has kept you up at night. And it could be your child's behavior, your team's behavior, your team's future failure to launch or something, their mental health, their emotional wellbeing. So I want you to consider this. So I remember coming home one night from the hospital. I was in transition from like, was in a recovery state and I woke up in the middle of the night, two, three o 'clock in the morning. I need to quickly have your panic attacks, your body's like, and I was in the bathroom and I remember feeling like number one, I cannot burden anybody with my feelings. I need to keep this in and I need to keep it quiet. And I went in the bathroom and I was crying because I was having a panic attack.

And the story I was telling myself in my mind is I'm going to die. My body was in a state of fight or flight. And I'm like, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. At that point, I had enough coaching under my belt and self -awareness that I could get myself out of the state of fear and into the present moment. And I was like, I'm going to die. going to die. I'm going to die. I'm like, Heather, you are still alive. You are still alive. Come back to this present moment.

And then I asked myself this question. How do you want to feel? If you know you don't want to feel chronically overwhelmed, chronically fatigued, angry, frustrated, resentful, exhausted, and for me, dead inside and in a state of fight or flight, how do I want to feel? And in that moment, I didn't technically know how I wanted to feel, but I knew how I didn't want to feel. And I didn't want to feel, I didn't want to feel like I was dying.

So the opposite of that was living. I wanted to feel alive. So I repeated in my mind, I wanna feel alive, I wanna feel alive, I wanna feel alive. And then Dr. Cam, I got scared and fear came over me again because I had no evidence of how to feel alive. And I realized in the moment that I wasn't

It wasn't that I didn't have time to implement. It wasn't that I didn't have the tools. It was that I wasn't giving myself permission to go to that next level in how I wanted to feel and kind of open that door of uncertainty and the unknown. But because of my situation, I had no other way. I was like, Heather, if you do not figure out how to feel alive and energized,

the literally your deepest fear will come true. And it still may come true, but that's the uncertainty of life. So the only way out is through. only way is up. The only way is going after who you wanna be and how you wanna feel. And so the next day I asked myself, how do I wanna feel? How do I wanna feel? How do I wanna feel? And I started taking action in that direction.

What would an alive person do? The reason why this story is so important is because I am the foundation of my children's wellbeing. And I am not responsible for my children's behavior in the sense of like, I cannot control their behavior, but I can influence it. And there is a connectedness.

So I can be the role model and I can be the guide and I can show them what's possible for them and become the type of person that I most desire my child to be, but I cannot do the work for them. And so when my teen was struggling, could see, I could see the fear. I could see the paralyzed uncertainty of like, I need to make a decision on my future. And there's so much unknown cause this is so new to me and I'm afraid. And I could empathize with that because I knew what it looked like and felt like to sit in my fear and yet take action in the direction of what my soul craved. Take action in the direction of how I wanted to feel. So I could see an older version of myself and I'm like, I have a tool and I know how I did that. So I'm gonna be your and guide you in that direction. But you have to choose if you want to take that action or not. And there were many, many times where I had to do that again and again and again, whether it was in the educational system or whether it was with having uncomfortable conversations with my husband or my son or his support team, where I had to say, I feel like I'm backed into a corner. Who do I want to be?

How do I want to feel and how can I take a stand for this child regardless of his future?

Dr. Cam (17:03)

Wow, that's a lot. And that's a complete shift because now your focus is on your response and you and what you're doing and not how do I make my child do this? How do I make my child change that? How do I make other people do what I need them to do to feel okay? It's what do I need to do to feel okay?

Heather Chauvin (17:28)

Just this conversation makes me think, so I am a, and I'm sure we all know what that's like. If you're raising a fierce, independent, rebellious child, I don't know about you, but as an adult, when people are trying to control me, I feel I'm like so turned off and I actually push that person away. So if I have a new friend in my life, And they're like texting me every day and I'm like, don't have the capacity for this. Like I'll text you. I'm the person that like, you're like 911, I need you. But if it's not a real 911, this is not going to be it. So I know the more I try to control my children, the more they're going to push me away. And so I've learned to read emotional behavior and call myself out too, that if I say I need to fix him, because I still do this, I need to fix him.

I'm like, what is this triggering inside of me? Okay, it's triggering fear. Okay, why am I afraid? Well, if he doesn't change, he's gonna become a drug addict and he's gonna do this and he's gonna live in my basement forever and he's gonna, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come back to the present moment. If I'm trying to control somebody else outside of me, that means there's something inside of me that I feel out of control.

And then so I go inward and I go, first of all, number one, what do I need to control within me? That's my work to do. But I'm also gonna be mindful that this behavior is like a red flag to me and I am concerned. So I'm not gonna avoid it. And this is what I don't appreciate about the parenting space right now is that they've swung where it's like, it's all about you, manage yourself, manage yourself.

And I'm like, yes, and we still need to look at our children's behavior and be like, they are talking to us. So if there is a behavior that is concerning to you, pay attention to it, but control yourself at the same time and then say, hey, let's have a conversation about this. How can I help you? How can I advocate? But come from a different energy and not a controlling energy, but more of a curious energy of a co -creation.

Dr. Cam (19:23)

I'm 100 % with the curious. I think that is the most important thing is understanding the why and you're absolutely right. It's not a, okay, they're going to go do their thing. I'm going to go do my thing. there's, we are still responsible for guiding them and for modeling for them. And so when we're, let's say we're talking to parents right now that are listening and they're in that mode of just, they're so overwhelmed right now. They're just like, I don't even know where to begin my teen isn't studying and doing their homework and I've got the school calling me and I have another one that just won't even go to school and I have another one that, and I just, I don't know where to start. Like you're saying that I need to focus on me, but I don't have time because there's too much other stuff that I need to deal with. What is the first thing that I can do right now to start shifting into this place where I'm more focused on taking care of how I'm showing up when I don't feel like I even have the ability to do that right now.

Heather Chauvin (20:53)

Okay, so number one, this is my favorite thing to teach people. It's called energetic time management. Pen and paper. So you're gonna have to listen to this again and again, but this is, love giving actionable steps. Number one, brain dump it all. Pen and paper, just let it out. When you're like, I'm frozen, I don't know what to do, I'm so overwhelmed, I have all this energy coming at me just dump it out. Like I like to categorize things. So I'll be like, the school is calling for this kid. I would put kids in buckets and then all the things I had to do. Then ask yourself how, so the brain dump is just to get it out. Every time I tell people this, they're like, I feel lighter already. I'm like, just get it out. Sometimes you don't even need to do anything with it. It's like get it out and your brain dumps might be the same thing over and over and over again.

The second thing is I am a huge fan of this journal prompt and it's, wouldn't it be nice if. So I'm not asking you what's your dreams or desires. I'm asking you what, or I am asking you what your desires are. I'm not asking you what you want. I'm saying magic wand, wouldn't it be nice if, and you can, you can like write down little things like, wouldn't it be nice if I had a glass of water right now? Wouldn't it be nice if the weather wasn't cold?

So some of these things you can control, some you can't control. Just dump it all out. It be small things, big things. This is data. This is breadcrumbs. These are desires that are inside of you. The second thing is once you take that list, figure out the feeling that you're after. So Danielle Laporte taught me forever ago, it's not the thing you're after, it's the feeling. This is like the core of manifestation. Okay, it's...

It's a gray sky outside. Wouldn't it be nice if the sun was out? Why? How do I think I'm going to feel when the sun is out? Wouldn't it be nice if we had a bigger home? Why do I want a bigger home? Because I want to feel more spacious. Wouldn't it be nice if I had more money in the bank? Why do you want more money in the bank? I want to feel safe. like all of this is data as to figuring out how to feel in control of your feelings because

I've seen this is what we usually do is we write down this list, we go after it, check, check, check, check, check. You got the more money in the bank, you got the bigger house and guess what? You're more stressed out, you feel more depleted, you're more angry, frustrated. So when we know how we want to feel, then we can start reverse engineering that. And the feeling is the guiding light. The feeling is the North Star. Then when the school calls,

When the report card comes in, when your child is retreating or reacting, you are coming from a more fulfilled, full place and you can be curious. When your brain is operating in the state of fight or flight or survival mode, you are just trying to get your basic human needs met. And so you have to, have to.

to be quote unquote successful at being present for your children, take care of yourself from a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual perspective. And to me, spiritual perspective is desires. There's bigger beliefs of, know, whatever you believe that's on you. But to me, when I started going, I crave, you know, wouldn't it be nice if and it was like these random things. like, I can't self abandon my needs forever because then I become angry and resentful. Regardless of my body shutting down, I start to project onto my kids. I start yelling, my marriage feels disconnected. So it is really understanding that the most unselfish thing you can do when you are in a state of overwhelm is to take care of everybody else but yourself.

So number one, brain dump. Number two, ask yourself, wouldn't it be nice if, look at that list, ask yourself, what is the feeling that you're really, really after? And then that's where the reverse engineering comes in. And I talk a lot about that on my podcast.

Dr. Cam (25:28)

I love that and what a great thing to model to our kids too, right? Because when we start taking care of ourselves and showing up more calmly and showing up more confidently, it changes how our kids show up with us, right? And then we don't have all the stress because we feel connected. And when we let go of the need to control,

That reduces a ton of stress too, because trying to control something you don't have control over is extraordinarily stressful.

Heather Chauvin (26:00)

and scary. I actually, call parenting personal growth on steroids. And I feel like zero to teen years is kind of like marathon training. And the teen years are the race where you were like, WTF, what did I get myself into? I'm in the middle of a hurricane. And you, it is, you kind of do feel like you're backed into a corner because It triggers everything you need to look at in order to show up and lead for your kids. Every woman I work with, 99 .9 % of them are raising children. It's a different dynamic than someone who is not responsible for another human being and their wellbeing. It triggers your deepest wounds. It has triggered so much fear inside of me of I'm not enough, I'm gonna mess this up. like, what if I fail to being afraid to use my voice and then having to walk into a school and advocate and use my voice to talk to other adults that I need to figure out how to sell myself and sell this concept to them. Like from a sales perspective, it's helped me so much in business being seen and really really taking deep deep care of myself and showing up to those challenges from this perspective rather than what we're taught culturally is Mind -blowing to me. It is this counterintuitive way because I'm healthier than I've ever been in my entire life. I have I I'm I'm thriving in all areas of my life and challenged as well. But the mindset that I have, I never would have gotten here without being a mother. And that is so opposite of what we're taught culturally that you can't do both. You can't be successful over here and feel successful as a parent. But when you take on the identity as like, this is a leadership role. And when you learn to lead and feel alive, and have more energy, that's the secret. All the books are telling you.

Dr. Cam (28:30)

Absolutely. And I feel like because we're out there working and building this, like our other identity and this other focus, that to me is in my daughter. That's what my daughter looks at. And she comes to me and says, Mom, I see what you're doing, which means I know I can do it. And she's learning from me being more than a mom. And then I'm able to put so much more into being a mom because that's not, I'm focused more on just being there and supporting her, not controlling and doing every little aspect of her life, right? Which gives me the freedom, and she's appreciative of that. Like she does, they don't want us doing that. That's not what they need, right? So that frees us up a lot.

Heather Chauvin (29:17)

And when you have that honest, connected relationship with your child, they're like, please get a hobby. Please leave the house. Please focus on something else. My son will call me out. And I'm like, well, sometimes I think you're just trying to be a little manipulative, but sometimes you're being honest. And I could never have that conversation with my parents growing up. And I think that's the...

Dr. Cam (29:24)

Yes! Yes!

Heather Chauvin (29:42)

That's when you know you've healed. That's when you know you've shifted, where your children can give you honest feedback and vice versa. And you can do it in a respectful way.

Dr. Cam (29:51)

It doesn't feel threatening to you when you hear that. You're like, okay, good point. I don't feel disrespected. I feel like you're feeling comfortable with me and that changes everything. So Heather, what is one big thing that you want parents to take away from this episode?

Heather Chauvin (30:17)

Well, you just said something that was like stuck in my brain is respected. I hear from a lot of parents, I wanna feel respected. And if we want to, we teach people how to treat us. So if we wanna be respected by our children, we need to learn to respect ourselves. We need to learn to respect our bodies, what they're telling us. We need to learn to respect our time.

We need to learn to respect our wisdom. We need to learn to, to really take a stand for the value that we have as humans. Like we are more than just mother. And, you know, the reality is if we look externally, the world would not exist without mothers, right? There would be no, no like population and we call it mother earth for a reason. And so we need to learn to value and respect ourselves more so that we have a bigger voice in society. But our children will show us where we need to grow. And I think if we just adopt that philosophy of like, why is this happening for me, not to me, we show up differently and then we can create that connection and fulfillment. But I also don't believe in hard things. People talk, everything's hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. I think we're addicted to hard.

That's why my podcast is called Emotionally Uncomfortable because I'm like, how about we just, this is easy. The action is easy. It's just emotionally uncomfortable. So if I learn to become more emotionally intelligent and more attuned with my emotions, I can live in alignment with how I want to feel.

Dr. Cam (31:40)

it's happening for me rather than to me. It's such a small word shift, but an enormous mindset shift, which completely changes everything. Heather, how do people find you?

Heather Chauvin (32:13)

You can head on over to the podcast Emotionally Uncomfortable. My book is called Dying to Be a Good Mother, it's prescriptive memoir. And my website Heather Chauvin, C -H -A -U -V -I -N dot com, lots of free resources there. Always showing people the how to because if you do the work, you'll see results. So yeah, you can check out all the things.

Dr. Cam (32:37)

Phenomenal. Thank you so much for Heather. I really enjoyed talking to you.

Heather Chauvin (32:43)

Thanks Dr. Cam.

About the Show:

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

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