Thursday Nov 14, 2024

How to Diffuse Conflict with Combative Teens: The Secret to Resolving Tension

Tired of constant arguments with your teen? You’re not alone! In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with conflict resolution expert Hesha Abrams to reveal practical techniques for defusing conflict and improving communication with combative teens. Learn how power struggles fuel arguments, why emotional regulation is key, and how a simple “do-over” can repair relationships. If you’re ready to stop the battles and start connecting, this episode is for you!

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

The surprising role power dynamics play in teen conflicts
Techniques to calm heated situations before they escalate
Why validation is a game-changer in communication
How to redirect destructive behavior before it spirals
The power of modeling emotional regulation for your teen

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

Parenting is tough—grace and patience go a long way.
Conflict is often about power struggles—understanding this can help.
Teaching teens to manage big emotions is essential.
Modeling good behavior is more powerful than lecturing.
Perfection isn’t the goal—building a strong connection is.

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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Book: Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension by Hesha Abrams

EPISODE CHAPTERS

00:00 Introduction to Conflict Resolution with Teens
03:35 Understanding Power Dynamics in Conflict
10:13 Navigating Teen Conflicts
20:54 The Importance of Modeling Behavior
32:52 Redirecting Destructive Behavior

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Hesha Abrams

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell

THE FULL TRANSCRIPT

Welcome back parents, Dr. Cam here. And in today's episode, we are diving into the secret to defusing conflict with combative teens with a renowned conflict resolution expert, Haysha Abrams. Haysha is an international acclaimed attorney and mediator known for her success in resolving high profile cases with some of the world's biggest companies, including Google, Amazon, Facebook, and Pepsi. I've heard of a few of those.

She's also the author of the popular new book, Holding the Calm, the Secret to Resolving Conflict and Diffusing Tension. Today, Hayshia is going to share some practical, easy -to -use techniques to diffuse tension and resolve conflict, not just for our teens, but with anyone. Welcome, Hayshia. Thank you so much for joining us. Can you just start with your backstory? How did you get start in conflict resolution?

Hesha Abrams (00:48)

My pleasure. Well, what I want to start with, especially for a podcast like yours, because I do business podcasts all the time. But what I tell people is I'm a lawyer, I'm a mediator. I've done multi -billion dollar disputes at the highest levels of industry. And the hardest job I've ever had, being a parent.

Dr. Cam (01:03)

Yeah, that is so good to hear. Yes, good to hear. Good and not good. What did we get ourselves into?

Hesha Abrams (01:19)

It is so, well, you live with a tyrannical roommate who doesn't pay rent, right? So, and part of the problem is we want them to like us. And that is really a very dangerous, dangerous thing. So it becomes a really hard needle to thread. And that's what I want to talk about because I've learned techniques. have, first of all, I have great relationships with all my kids and my in -law kids. So I think that gives me some kudos right there. The techniques I'm going to teach, I use on them. And I have nine grandchildren and I use these on them earlier. I'm smarter now than I was when I was young, because I didn't have a me putting out a book like Holding the Calm. I had a lot of the touchy feely books in my day that don't work. They talk about all this good stuff that should happen and they don't work. So, you know, I'm a lawyer. I do big, hard, difficult cases. What's the difference between somebody saying, I want a hundred million dollars and somebody saying, here's 10 ,000, go drop dead. Right? How do you get that settled versus a teenager going, I hate you. You don't give me anything I want. My friends do this. You make me study. You don't understand me. Or whatever other nonsense happens. It's all the same.

Dr. Cam (02:29)

It's all emotion, right? It's that big fight or flight emotion place. So, and I have a lot of clients and I talk to people that do because we're teenagers are so emotional and they push our buttons and we get emotional and then we just got this huge blow up and we get stuck in this loop of just really negative interactions and kids can get nasty, they can get mean, they can even get physically violent. And I have parents that are scared of their kids. They don't want to make the problem worse. So they're kind of walking on eggshells around them, not wanting to get them upset, but it keeps getting worse. So we would love to hear from you on how do we start approaching, if we're there. A lot of what I do is preventing us from getting there, but if we're there. And we're in that moment where we're just butting heads and it's starting to get ugly and we don't know what to do. Hey, what do we do?

Hesha Abrams (03:35)

Yeah, so let's talk about that. because I want everything I do is very practical. I'm not a kumbaya kind of gal. I'm not interested in what should work or is a cool idea or rise above it or all that kind of junk. What actually works when this thing's happened? And I'm sure on your show, you've already talked about amygdala, fight or flight response. So I don't need to go into that again. Okay. So everybody knows that. So I have a theory. I think that all conflict and tension of any kind with anybody at any age or any time has to do with power. Either you're taking it, you're giving it, you're trying to hold onto it, you're trying to take it from somebody else. When power happens, the amygdala gets triggered and that is just a very dangerous thing. But the easy magic bean answer is you give power, but you give it in small little unimportant things because that's what calms the amygdala down. So let's say, and what I want to do is divide up our conversation into dealing with younger children, dealing with teenagers, and dealing with adults. Because techniques work with all of them, but you have to feed it slightly differently on how you do it. Okay? So let's start with the young ones and then we'll work our way up. So with the young ones, you have more power. Up until they're about what? 10 or 11? You know, you can actually physically restrain them if you need to.

You have all kinds of privileges you can restrict. You have a lot more power up to about 10 or 11. Part of the problem is parents don't use that power. So if you don't use it when they're young, you have a hard time using it when they're older. It's much harder to break an old dog than to start with a new dog. So there's that old saying that if you don't make them cry when they're young, they'll make you cry when they're older is an absolute, absolute truism. So let's start with the young ones first.

You want to teach kids how to handle big feelings. They big feelings. They have big feelings. We're all hungry, tired, cranky, don't get our own way, didn't get enough sleep. Every one of us has that. So one of the parenting life skills you as a parent need to teach your children is how to handle that. Now, part of the problem is we as adults, I wasn't taught that by my parents. Okay, I had to learn this through lots of therapy and lots of work and doing this.

Dr. Cam (05:37)

Or we're taught, just stop it. Don't do it, not how to work through it. So I think a lot of parents are uncomfortable with that. So I love this. Let's go into how, when we don't know how to do it, how do we help our kids do it?

Hesha Abrams (06:04)

Exactly. So that's the first thing I do is first thing I say to all parents when I'm talking to them is grace. For God's sakes, this is the hardest job in the world to raise another human being. It is a thankless job. Give yourself grace. Okay. So the issue is not, not making mistakes. The issue is correcting mistakes. You are going to make a million mistakes. How do you correct it? So this is what I have found.

Dr. Cam (06:35)

Absolutely.

Hesha Abrams (06:39)

acknowledging your, what a lot of people think is as a parent, I have to be tough and strong and always write, no, that's a completely wrong approach because you're not teaching the kids how to be able to do that. So what you do is you do whatever it is you're going to do. And let's say it's going badly. Something's, you can tell something's going badly. Try it. Part of the thing about holding the calm is why I wrote this book is I've got simple little techniques to catch it earlier. The longer you let it go, It's like spaghetti sauce on the counter. It's wet, you wipe it up with a sponge. Overnight, you're scraping it off with a knife, right? So the earlier you catch stuff, the better it is. So if you can catch stuff early, you, who has the power in that interaction? You do. So stop. You're the older, you're the adult. Stop and say, I'm getting angry. I'm losing control.

We're going to take a moment. And that's why I call the book, Holding the Calm. You can say, take a deep breath. You could say, think of grandma. I you can do whatever you want. I find Holding the Calm works because it's such an interesting thing to say to your amygdala. It says to your amygdala, you got some power here. Use it. So you seem to be very upset. I named the emotion. Clearly I don't understand. And I would like to understand. Now notice what just happened in that interaction. I gave them power, but I gave myself more power. Isn't that amazing? Everyone can do this in every single situation. Now what happens with the person on the other end? Their amygdala is going and they can't stop it. They have to go, what just happened? What? What? And now, rather than screaming, yelling, throwing a tantrum, I have to articulate what I'm feeling 80 % of the time they can't do it. But you didn't say you can't do it. They figured it out themselves and then go, and in the end it'll come out with, I'm just mad. I get that. I get that. Help me understand why. Now that's technique one. Technique number two is you say, can we have a do -over? A do -over is the greatest technique in the world with kids because it gives them permission to screw up, lose their temper and apologize and ask for a do -over. The problem is we go, say sorry to your brother or, I'm sorry. Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. it's obnoxious. Who wants that? It's awful. It's nothing. It's so much better to say, that didn't come out the way I wanted it to. Can I have a do -over? Now notice I never said the words I apologize. Never. But that's the effect. Can I do it better now? Now I'm calmer. I've held the calm.

Dr. Cam (09:09)

Yeah, it means nothing.

Hesha Abrams (09:29)

You have your own techniques. I've got, the book is written about 20 techniques, easy, simple things to use right now. You can pick any of them. It depends on the situation. And I explain all that. That's why I the book a super easy, inexpensive, no paperback.

Dr. Cam (09:42)

Can you give us like two of your favorite?

Hesha Abrams (09:45)

sure. Well, let's let me, if you don't mind, let me take you through the trajectory of little kid, older teenager and adult. And then the techniques will weave their way through that. So the one I just gave you, that's the most basic and you people can listen and go, big deal. I know that. Okay. How often do you use it? Right. So this is how you can use it. So you start with that. Okay. Now the other question is you can give power.

Dr. Cam (09:51)

Perfect. Let's do it.

Hesha Abrams (10:13)

So I want to switch to, let's say it's a boss or a colleague or a neighbor or your spouse or a more, an older kid, an older teen. You can give power in the easiest ways. What would you like for lunch? What music would you like to listen to? Is the temperature okay? Should I put the air conditioning on a little bit more? What else, you know, where would you like to sit? See how all of those things are just dumb, unimportant little things.

They are critical because you're giving away power. So the other person's amygdala can go, okay, maybe I'm not at risk here. Maybe friend or foe, I thought it was foe, maybe it's friend. Now things can start calming down a little bit because you are holding the calm, right? So it's like giving away a power. So now technique number four, how do you do that?

Validation is the WD -40 of the universe. Okay? It's unbelievable. But you don't validate, you know, you can be a good validator or a shallow one. Hey, I really like your shirt. Okay. mean, all right. That was all right. That's like a C. I'd rather get an A minus or an A, you know? So how about something where you catch them doing it right? This works any age. You know, you handle that really well.

I'm proud of you. Wow, that was a really difficult decision, but you made it anyway. You know, you chose to do the right thing, not the easy thing, but for you. See how subtle all that is? So, and I want to make it even easier for parents. And I've got all of these set in stems in the book. And what people tell me is they memorize them or put them on your phone. Cause I've set in stems. You just can use them. But let's say you don't have any of that and you just need something super easy. I call it the verbs.

Dr. Cam (12:00)

Nice.

Hesha Abrams (12:09)

Verbs are great, right? You handled that well. You saw what was wrong. You kept yourself calm. You were looking for solutions. You know, I appreciate you. I admire you. I respect you. Forget the love and like. We all know that stuff. But if someone's really angry at you and you go, I love you, it's almost irritating, right?

Dr. Cam (12:37)

It is. Yeah. It gets them, it gets them more angry because they're like, if you loved me, then why are you saying this to me?

Hesha Abrams (12:44)

Correct. And it may have to be, you there are times with my kids that I had to say, look, I want to be your friend, but I'm your parent. That's more important. I'm your mom. That's a more important job. And sometimes it means you're not going to like me, but I love you enough to have you mad at me to help you do the right thing. Now they're still going to be mad at you, but I have kids now that are in their forties that remember me saying that and telling me, mom, I didn't get it, but I so get it now. And that's why I respect you and they're not doing it to their kids. it's building that respect is so critical.

Dr. Cam (13:20)

And Hesha, I just want to point out too, because I think like when you first started talking, I was like, boy, where's this going? And then it went exactly where I agree with. Like I was hoping it would go, but I think the key thing is when you're saying they might not like you, they might not like you, but nothing that you're saying is about you getting more power or you exerting your anger or you lashing out at them. It is about you staying calm and not buying into it and giving them the space to be angry and figuring it out. So it's not about saying they get to walk all over you. You're still saying stuff, but it's not doing it in a mean, angry, forceful way. Okay. Okay.

Hesha Abrams (14:04)

Yeah, beautifully said, beautifully said. And the thing I want to remind everybody, there's times as a parent you can't keep calm. You've been fired, you had a fight with your spouse, you got in a car accident, you're cranky, you have your period. mean, whatever it is, you give yourself grace. So that's why I always tell people you're gonna screw up. What do do when the light bulb goes off and you go.

I didn't handle that well. This is how you handle it. This is what you do. These four steps that I just gave, now I have got more advanced ones in the books about, let's say it's a real problem, like a big issue. Well, I have a four step thing called Vox and a system that you work through to actually figure out answers. But what it does is it's very empowering to somebody else. And when you have a teenager, I did little kids already, when you have a teenager, they think they're an adult, but they're

The human brain doesn't really develop in women until like 21 or 22 and men 25 or 28, right? So you can't tell them that. What good does that do? So let me tell you a little trick that I use even now and it works so great. They're adamant. I don't care if you've got an eight -year -old or a 28 -year -old and they're adamant about what they want or how they have to do it. And you just know it's wrong, right? So you can listen. So you listen. And then you validate how they're thinking about it and they're trying to think through all the things. And then I say, I have a question for you. May I ask you who says no to that? Now they say, yes, their ears open. If you want someone to hear something, ask them. If you may say it to them, 95 % of the time, they're going to say, yes, now you've opened their ears. If you just say it, just watch this right over them. Now I'm listening and I'll say, you know, you're 28.

Do you think you're smarter than you were when you were 18? Yeah. Do think you might be smarter at 35? Huh. That's it. I have an eight year old. Are you smarter than when you were six? Huh. Do think you might be smarter at nine or 10? Huh. Now, if they have a sibling, that's even a better way to do it because if they're nine and the sibling's six,

Dr. Cam (16:12)

I like it.

Hesha Abrams (16:27)

Well, of course I'm smarter than a six -year -old, right? That's so easy to do. It's a better, rather than saying you're young, you haven't learned everything, you need to know, who listens to that garbage? But you do it yourself on their own. Go to learn here. Maybe my mother or father isn't as stupid as I thought they were, you know. There's a funny line from Mark Twain that he says he thought when he was a teenager he thought his father was an idiot and by the time he was an adult he was amazed how much his father had grown.

Dr. Cam (17:00)

Yeah, exactly. How much you learned in that amount of time. And I think the point is we might have to wait that long for them to really get it, but I think trying to convince them doesn't work.

Hesha Abrams (17:15)

They don't really honestly, honestly get it until they start having kids of their own, but they get it in their own way. And then when they start having kids of their own, that's when they come back and go, my God, but I'll tell you a little secret everybody, it doesn't matter. Because by that point you've let go, you've forgiven, you've moved on. So by the time they get it, you're like, yeah, okay, welcome to the club. It doesn't matter. It's about surviving in the moment and having an intact, healthy, respectful relationship with your children. And it's having a boundary, having a decent boundary. so actually, can I give another example? It just happened this weekend that a friend told me.

Dr. Cam (18:02)

You can, and then I have a few questions of certain situations I'd love to run by you. No, I want to hear your story.

Hesha Abrams (18:05)

Well, you go first then, you go first. Okay, so I was at a wedding this weekend and a girlfriend of mine is the stepmother and she was out with the mother of the bride and the sister of the bride and her and they were all getting their nails done. And so they were commenting about I had flown up to support her and how wonderful that her friends had done that. And the 29 year old spoke up and said, well, mom, that wouldn't work for you. You don't have any friends excuse me? Excuse me? That's because that was a mother who wanted to be liked. So she wanted to be friends with her daughter. Well, that's what she got. She got that kind of, you're okay with that. Okay. I'm not okay with that. I would never be treated that way. My kids would be scared to say something like that to me, but that's how I, that's what I want it. Now, if you want to be friends with your kids, you're going to get friend behavior as opposed to respect and parent behavior. Now that doesn't mean you have to be an autocrat, obnoxious, not friendly with them. Of course not. Why is it either end? You should be able to do both, right? But that's, it just came up this weekend and I went, you know, and the problem is, can she correct it now? Yes. It'll be a harder spaghetti sauce to wipe off. Yes. But it can be done. It can. It's just a whole lot harder. So if everyone listening to this podcast, do it now. Whatever stage you're at and whatever you got, do these Holdin' the Comm techniques, do it now and you will have a better trajectory. I promise you, this is magic bean stuff.

Dr. Cam (19:48)

It is, and I think it's really difficult because when we get in that, have such this, it's kind of ingrained in us that when there's a power struggle, you get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. Instead of, I feel like what you're saying is that calm, and I kind of call it like being at the bottom of the ladder is where the power is, right? Instead of this escalation. But it feels to a lot of people that you're letting them take power over you and walk all over you. So how would you address people that feel like that is showing a weakness?

Hesha Abrams (20:25)

Yep, good. That's a very, very good question. So again, if I have a fork, I can eat with it, I can comb my hair with it, or I can stab you with it. Right? It's all a technique. So if you're feeling that, then you're a person that is not, has not been able yet to hold onto your own power. So if you can't do it verbally, let's say you're not, let's say you're an introvert and you're not a big verbal person and your kid's a big verbal person. That's hard. You are not going to out -argue somebody who is a better arguer than you. You're just not gonna do it. So play a different game. Say we're not playing football, we're playing golf. I'm gonna change the size of the ball or tennis. I'm gonna change the size of the ball. So what the best technique you've got is silence. You've got body language. So let's say, just use an example, you're railing at me. I can't out -talk you. I don't have the energy. What if I'm sick? What if I'm tired? What if I'm just an introvert? What if I just can't put up with your anymore, right? And you're railing at me. So I can't do it that way. So what do you do? You withdraw from the situation.

I named the emotion. You seem very upset. I'm not upset, I'm angry. Okay? You seem like you're very angry. I do it. Your sympathetic nervous system is going to have a need to copy mine. I don't say to you take a deep breath. I just go I'd like to try to work this through. I admire how passionate you are think we could use a do -over to maybe handle this better, don't you think?

Because I'm not sure it's coming out the way either one of us want. Now, who has the power in that situation? OK? So what happens is if I'm not 300 pounds of muscle, I'm not playing football. I'm not going to do it. Why would I do that? I'm better at golf or tennis or soccer or ping pong. I have the power. I'm going to change the game. And you know the proof, parents, that you have the power? They're arguing with you. If you didn't have the power, they would take the car keys and go!

Dr. Cam (22:54)

Exactly. I love that too because arguing is actually in this weird way a sign of respect because they need to convince you. Otherwise they wouldn't even try. So I think that is so important to know that if they are having this conversation, they're not disrespecting you. They're actually respecting you, but in an emotionally, in a way that's not emotionally regulated.

Hesha Abrams (23:02)

Correct. mean, they're doing it, you know, I know we use emotional regulation and all that, and I think it's great word. I tend to look at it as a skillset. They have a poor skillset. Then I have to say as a parent, do I have a poor skillset? Am I modeling good skillset behavior? That's the honest ownership you have to do privately as a parent. And that's why, again, I wrote this little book. I I do these techniques with big executives. I do big stuff.

Dr. Cam (23:24)

It is. Yes.

Hesha Abrams (23:47)

Why can't regular people have access to it? So, and I did the book, you know, 20 chapters, 20 techniques. They don't have to be done in order. You just move them around and you try one and go, that actually works. So you improve your skillset. Then you model it for them and everything's going to get better. It's, it's really, it's really magic and it doesn't take long. That's the thing. You don't have to take some PhD course or take some study or get certified or read some big fat book. No, it's a simple little something. You do this today. You know, it's really one of the things when I was young and as a mediator and I was wanting to get better at hard things, I was at a Walmart returning something and my God, the level of conflict and difficulty was off the charts. And I stayed there for two hours just watching, just watching and listening. How would I have handled that? How could I have diffused that?

How could I have moved it along? I learned so much because I saw so many different kinds of people and I saw the interaction. Well, I wouldn't have handled it that way. I would handle it this way. And I did that when I was young, you cause I'm a mediator. I get all these people coming into a room with me. I don't have time to say, please, let me analyze you and know who you are. You you got to do stuff fast. People will tell you who they are very quickly, you know? And if you're lactose intolerant,

Why am I shoving ice cream at you? You're gluten free. Why am I shoving pizza at you? I'm going to say, I got you a cauliflower crust. And people go, whoa, that was so thoughtful of you. mean, you can change the entire tone. Let's say you've been having a lot of conflict with your teenager for a month, just a lot. Make them their favorite dinner that night. Or buy them their favorite cake and say, you know what? We've been having a lot of conflict. And I have to tell you,

You couldn't pay me to be a teenager again. It is so hard. Hormones are busting through your body. High school is terrible. Boys and girls and where do I fit in and what do I, it's, you know what? You just need a break. And I just want to give you a break. And then you make them the favorite dinner or the favorite dessert or something. You don't think you did a 180 on them? They're going to go, whoa, whoa. And that's like giving away power or enabling. It's seeing their struggle, which makes you an ally in the struggle. And that's the question for all parents. Would anybody raise your hands, go back and be a teenager? I mean, seriously.

I wouldn't. So we have to have compassion on these people. We have to just, you know, there's a Jewish word called Rachmanis. And it's such a good word because it comes from the word Recha, which means womb. So when you have compassion, it comes from your womb. That's where it comes from, this deep. It's not about being right or wrong or good or bad. It's Rachmanis. It's compassion.

Dr. Cam (26:40)

I always say we want to be sitting on the same side of the bench, not opposing each other, right? Like we're helping them along. And I think it's so hard for parents to not take it personally. Cause like you said, we want our kids to like us. We want them to respect us. And if we feel like they don't, we get hurt, we get angry, we respond out of that emotion and we make it about us. And the second we make it about us, we are not making it about them which is why they're acting out.

Hesha Abrams (27:22)

That's exactly well done. So let me give you a suggestion when that happens, parents, and a kid says something and you're pissed. So you can't use, you you're not holding the column just yet. You know what you can say? Excuse me?

Dr. Cam (27:33)

Yes, exactly.

Hesha Abrams (27:39)

And that's it, because there's nothing to fight. There's no target. They have to stop for a minute. Like, what just happened? What just happened here? So for you that are introverted, you're tired, you're cranky, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to say it. Excuse me? That just gives you a pause into which now you can do something else. These are just great, you know, because you can say all day long, be calm, stand still, take a deep breath.

Dr. Cam (28:09)

It just makes them more angry. As it would us. If our team told us and our teens do tell us you need to calm down, ooh, no, right? They react the same way. So it's, we got to think about that. H, I want to ask you, cause this, I've seen this situation and I know people listening specifically have this situation where their teen gets pretty aggressive and they're bigger than them now and they kind of come in their face and get at them.

Hesha Abrams (28:17)

It just, it's terrible. As you all see.

Dr. Cam (28:44)

and they try to walk away and they just follow them, right? And they just follow and yell and the more they try to stay quiet and disappear, the more their teen kind of jumps on them. How do they handle that situation?

Hesha Abrams (28:47)

Right. So that one's tough. I, you know, I would say not in every situation, but in most situations you let the spaghetti sauce get dry. Okay. So now you've got a problem. You've got a bigger kid who's more aggressive and you walking away gives them power. So can't do that. Okay. So what I would do is, cause you have to get this re -changed because at 16, it's bad at 24, it's even worse. Okay. So at some point you just have to do it.

So what I would do is change, again, I keep talking about change the football to a tennis ball, from a big ball to a small ball. Let's say they're following you, sit down, go sit in a chair. Okay, now they can lean over you with the chair, but you can do this in the chair, right? You can say, I can't hear you when you're yelling at me.

Dr. Cam (29:46)

Yeah, do you know in a way?.

Hesha Abrams (29:55)

If they're talking so much, it's only output that's happening. You need input to be able to happen, right? I can't hear you when you're yelling at me and let them keep yelling and you stop talking, but you just sit there and go, I can't hear you when you're yelling at me. Now what I've had families do, I've had church groups do, HOAs do, businesses do is they all buy the book and they have a little book clue. And then, but then you have the same lexicon. So you can say we're holding the con together or this is your magic beans, or whatever the words are, or I'm gonna give you a wowed, a way out with dignity. Very often, people need to have a wowed. People, they've screwed up, they've screwed up bad, but they need a wowed, a way out with dignity. So you can sometimes say you need a wowed. They go, what? You know, and say, you know what? I know this is not at your best, and I know you're having trouble doing it. Okay, let me give you another technique. I call it, I literally invented this with my grandchildren, because I was too, I didn't know this when I was a young parent. So when my kid was angry or the grandchild was angry, they were so angry, they can't get out of it. You can't use any words. So I taught them to dinosaur it out. If you take your hand and see your fingernails right here, dig your fingernails hard into the fatty part. You pinch it. Give yourself a little pinch like it hurts a little bit. What it does is it interrupts the synapses on the sympathetic nervous system. Anger, anger, anger, woo, rallying around like that. You do this and now, ow, there's something here. It's a reason why people would smack you across the face, which obviously we're not gonna do, or wear a rubber band and they'd snap the rubber band. If you've got a kid that has an anger problem, teach them the technique and put a rubber band on their hand so they can do it to themselves when you feel out of control.

They know they're out of control. They don't like it any more than you like it, but they don't know what to do. So you're helping them snap that rubber band a couple of times. And what it does is it, it's the equivalent of smacking someone across the face to where you go, whoa, what just happened? teach this. I mean, I use it and I've taught this to adults too. So, cause adults, you know, we have times where it just for whatever reason, you know, the sympathetic nervous system is totally engaged and you can't change it.

So I'm not gonna smack you across the face, but I may say, hey, I won't say you dinosaur it out. I'm gonna say, hey, let's dinosaur it out. And I'll do this. And then sometimes I'll go, dinosaur it out. Come on, do it with me. Dinosaur it out. And you do that instead of saying, you're mad, you're angry. You need to calm down. What's wrong with you? How is that helpful? But if I can see that you're doing that, I'm gonna go, ooh, the dinosaur is out baby, it's dinosaur down. Think about how does the other person react when you do that? They're gonna go, and then it's fun. Now they're gonna go in, then you get to do the, okay, can we do a do over? I really respect how you did that. You did a very good dinosauring it out. Cause my big emotions are awful. They come over you like a hurricane.

Hesha Abrams (33:20)

And you handled that so well. All I had to do was suggest dinosaur -ing it out to you. And you did it. God, I'm proud of you. Well done. That messaging.

Dr. Cam (33:30)

And then you're focusing on the positive of it and not belaboring the issue of it. And that's again, going into that solution. And everything that you're saying is focused on what we do rather than what we're making our teens do or the child or the person that's upset. Our job is not to change them because we can't. Our job is to show up differently. And when we show up differently,

Hesha Abrams (33:37)

Correct.

Dr. Cam (34:01)

It changes because those mirror neurons or just we're not adding anymore to the anger and to the emotion. So it's really all about how do we show up and there's, again, you said there's so much power in not losing it.

Hesha Abrams (34:16)

so much. And when you do, because I want to make sure you're going to lose it, catch yourself. And then you can say, I'm going to dinosaur this out because I'm feeling so angry right now. I can't really think I'm going to dinosaur it out. Your kids going to look at you like, what the heck? But what are you doing? You're modeling skillset development. You're modeling good behavior. So what happens when they're mad at a teacher or on the football field or with a friend? Are they going to blow up at them? Are they going to get arrested because they threw a punch?

or have you taught them how to handle big emotions? How about, God, when I was young, a young mother, I read this story of a high school football quarterback who was wealthy, blessed, good looking, good at school, like he just had everything. And he was dating, of course, you know, the head cheerleader and she dumped him. And he went home, took his dad's gun, put it in his mouth and killed himself.

And I remember reading that and thinking, this is a kid who never was taught how to handle big emotions, how to handle disappointment. So when disappointment happened, it was cataclysmic. It was earth shattering. There was no solution or no way out. So as a parent, you need to be able to teach your children, crap's going to happen, bad crap. And you're going to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go on. It's not the end of the world.

You teach them how to handle extreme disappointment, extreme sadness, extreme anger. You have to teach them how to do that, otherwise they can't be adults. They won't know how to do it. And if no one taught you, give yourself grace and you teach you now. No one taught me these things. I had to teach myself, but now they're mine. And do you know how powerful I feel? Because they're mine. And then when I share them and teach them, the other person feels

Hesha Abrams (36:16)

the authenticity, the honesty, the power and says, ooh, I want some of that too. Great, great.

Dr. Cam (36:25)

Hesha, I want to point out to what you're saying because I think this is so critical for parents to grasp. We are not trying to stop them from feeling anger. We are not trying to stop them from even deep sadness. Those are things I think we have this knee -jerk reaction to want to make them feel better and make them want to stop that emotion because it makes us uncomfortable. And what you're saying is, if we don't,

If we force them to stop it and then they can't, they don't know how to handle it. So this is about giving them the space to be angry, even at us. And that's okay. We just, we keep our space so that their anger is not making us angry. We're not taking it personally. We're going there experiencing anger. It doesn't mean that they're hurting us. And I think...

Hesha Abrams (37:00)

I love it when you said that. And you know, I they have so many techniques about that that are not, you know, new, like scream into a pillow, you know, punch into something like that. There are times where something is so angry. I may say to the kid, you know what, let's scream into a pillow and go and we pick up a pillow and just scream into it and do it with them as opposed to you're the little weirdo. You need to scream into a pillow. No, let's do it together. And you know what? Within 30 seconds, they're laughing.

They're laughing. That's what's so amazing about this. They're laughing.

Dr. Cam (37:52)

Okay, I have another specific question I want to ask you as you're saying that because I have several clients too whose kids, when they get upset, will literally kick the walls, kick the door in, create holes in the walls. How do we redirect that? We're not going to make them stop feeling angry, but how do we help redirect that so they're not destructive?

Hesha Abrams (38:15)

Well, again, I'm gonna say as parents, you gotta own that you didn't wipe up the spaghetti sauce when it was wet. Otherwise you're never gonna fix it. You're just gonna go, it's the way they are, whatever. No, there's some ownership to that. You didn't know, I didn't know. No one teaches this stuff. That's why you are doing your podcast. That's why I wrote my book. No one teaches this stuff. So we're trying to get it out there. So if it's already happened, a problem's already happened. So now you have to be corrective. So your job is to see the trajectory. It doesn't go from, I'm going to kick the wall instantly. I guarantee you. And here, the proof of it, why do I call my book, Holding the Calm, The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Diffusing Tension? So here, long title. Why would they make such a long title on this? Because all conflict, 100 % of it, starts with tension. And the tension can be this.

Dr. Cam (38:57)

There you go. Love it.

Hesha Abrams (39:09)

Or it can be this, it can be mm. It can be all of that, right? So you have to start being attuned to your kid. What are the warning signals? Wipe that spaghetti sauce up when it's wet. Get into it right away and say, ooh, ooh, you're looking like you're getting angry. It's pillow time, let's go. And start screaming into the pillow. Or sometimes jumping jacks, let's go. Pushups, let's go. You know, something that is physical, that is the snap that is the dinosaur in it out, screaming into a pillow, jumping up and down. You're teaching them that when the feelings happen, because you're a human being, this is how we handle it. When they're kicking or destructive, it's just because they don't know any better. Because the feeling is a tsunami, it's a hurricane, it's a tornado. And they just, can't get the energy out of themselves. So you have to, I guarantee you there were 10 steps before that. I guarantee you. And what happens is you're not noticing it or you're not reacting to it, catch it early, then what are you also teaching them? How they should do it. Let's say there's a parent in the household that punches a wall when he's angry. I mean, you know, so, and a spouse is a lot harder to train, but when you see the kid doing it and you train the kid, it's a conversation for the spouse also, because nobody wants to be a raging lunatic. Nobody. I don't care if you're a kid or an adult, you've just lost control. And if you say to someone, gain control,

Get calm, breathe. If I could, I would. So help me, right? So help. That's all it is. you know what's best for your kids. know, sometimes, you know, if it's a little kid, let's make funny faces. No one make funny faces. And then they start laughing. It's anything designed to interrupt that sympathetic nervous system so that they can get a break. And then sometimes it may be, okay.

Okay, there's a big issue here. We need to talk about that. And God, am I proud of you for riding that dragon. Well, that was a bunking brocco. It was rolling you all over the place and you rode it. Good for you. Then you get into what was it? And often it was not whatever it's presented to be. It's some something else, whatever, whatever, whatever. That's how you clean it up. You know, so.

Dr. Cam (41:32)

I think that point is really key too, because we often look at exactly what just happened as the problem and often, and again, it's a sign that they feel safe around us when they're able to show that ugly emotion in front of us, because they hold it in all day where they're not safe, and then they come. So it's this really awkward compliment that we get all the ugly emotion but when we teach them how to make it through it, then we're really using that opportunity. love it. So, Keisha, what is one we've, my gosh, there's so much great stuff we just covered. what is like kind of one big takeaway you want to make sure parents walk away with from this?

Hesha Abrams (42:17)

Give yourself grace, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. News alert, you're not perfect. You're not supposed to be perfect. It's impossible to be perfect, but you can keep trying to get better. And best is the enemy of better. That's what I tell people. Just get better. That's all. And you're gonna teach them how to get better. And then in the end, it's gonna be good.

It's gonna be good. I bless everybody. It's gonna be good. That's why I wrote this little, and you know what? I had people wanting me to make it a workbook and more expensive and a fancy thing. I said, no. I wanted a little cheap $15 paperback that can be read in two hours. Quick, little, simple, so that you can do something right now. That's

Dr. Cam (42:47)

There we go.Thank you so much for jumping on. know there's, I'm sending this to a lot of people already I can think of that are really going to take, get some good, good insights from this. So thank you for that.

Hesha Abrams (43:14)

My pleasure, everybody.

About the Show:

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

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